I have decided to have weight loss surgery.
I know. This is a subject that many people seem to have an opinion about. They also love to share it. :)
I could have been one of those people who just said she was going on vacation, lied about it and told everyone I just started using portion control to lose weight. I have decided to be open and honest about it. I am not bragging. I am not self righteous. I am simply just wanting to always be an open book. I want to share so we can learn from eachother. That is our purpose.
People who freely want to offer their opinions -tell me I am crazy and I just need to take up jogging. Really? I know all of this. I know all about nutrition and exercise. I know more than the average bear. I have read the books, I have taken several nutrition classes, been to a therapist and a nutritionist. I am dealing with patterns of behavior and I need a jump start. I have read about these procedures probably 100 times. I know the risks. I have heard the good and bad stories. I am going in to this with all the knowledge of myself, the risks and what lies ahead.
I am not on public assistance and asking the tax payers to pay for this. I am using my own money and going to Mexico for the procedure. I know several people will balk at that —but I personally know several people who have been to Mexico with great results. Setting all of that aside.
I just want to defend my DH because after people get through the questions with me..they either think my husband is so cruel he has convinced me that I need this….because he thinks I am unattractive or something. Rob is supporting this….YES… but because of all the right and true reasons. Rob is a good man and has never commented on my weight. EVER. He in fact thinks I am smaller than I truly am. He couldn’t have imagined what my true weight was. I love that about him.He has always told me I am beautiful and he is always attracted to me. I think he feels helpless in those moments when I hold myself back because of my weight. He really truly just wants me to be happy in my own skin. He tells me all the time how my inner light is what is right, true and important. He loves me unconditionally and tells me all the time how people are attracted me because of me. He is one of them. ( he did say on a side note ..joking..that he will be upset if I get skinny and leave him. It’s a running joke at work because that has happened to 2 guys he works with….not a chance…He’s stuck with me. Till death so us part)
So here’s the thing for me.
I know it may seem extreme to some who have not battled their weight.
I have been working all along. I have always had excuses to turn to food for comfort. The weight is an excuse for me. I can hold myself back from several things because I am fat therefore not worthy of things in life that other people have. I will self-sabotage. I have developed patterns with food that are unhealthy. I can be good for awhile and revert in a moment of weakness. I think many can relate.
I know that surgery is not the be all end all of this battle. I know this. I have read the stories, I have seen with my own two eyes the weight creep back on people who have used it as a crutch. I simply want to use this as a jump start to a different lifestyle. I need something that will help me break these cycles & patterns I have created. I need something other than my own will-power….clearly. Just as with any surgery ..I know there is risk. I am willing to take those risks. I am not one who takes an aspirin when she is feeling a sudden headache. Honestly I hate taking any medications (other than food..apparently). But I am willing to take these risks….If I ultimately die..it is my time and I will be with Jesus. I highly doubt that will happen….and I am not worried about it. I could have some other complications that will make me uncomfortable….. or sick. But I am doing that slowly but surely with food anyway….so I am trying to take a different route and try to start a new life. While I am still young enough to enjoy it.
Having said that I don’t believe being skinny will “cure” anything for me. I know lots of skinny people with problems. When I was skinny I had issues too. Like I said…..I just need a jump start. No matter what size I am I will have issues to deal with….but I think I need to build up some confidence and be able to haul my but around town without being short of breath or having back and feet issues. I know I will be able to build a healthy lifestyle when I get some help without immediately being defeated. I have thought about this alot.
I will share my journey with all of you, good or bad. You know me I will give you an honest account. I would love to hear any of your stories…good or bad. But I would just ask you not to judge me. I don’t judge any of you. I try to support all people in my life and I really just want the same. :)
So right now what I have been struggling with is ….I am going to schedule my appointment this week. Hoping to get it done before summer. When the weight is off…what kind of excuse will have? What will I then use to hold myself back. There is a deeper insecurity….so I am going to get therapy. I am going to go through this with eyes wide open and working so I can start a new life. It’s all a process. It always will be. I just need to start taking the steps to a different = healthier life.