I know if God brings me to it..he will bring me through it. I am typing this before I leave. It will be posted while I am gone. This will be a faded memory and I won’t remember this evening except by this post. Its’ a good way for me to remember.
However, my heart feels the need always to tell my loved ones how much I love them and how much they mean to me. Always. But I think not everyone is as sensitive as I am…or gushy. I do this all the time….but I especially feel the need to do that more lately. I don’t ever want to have regrets…I don’t wnat anyone to ever doubt how I feel about them.
I tried to tell my children at dinner tonight ( October 29th) how much they mean to me… I got frustrated because they can’t fathom that I will ever be gone from them. I understand. I get it. But I just want to say it. I want it out there so that there should never be any doubt. All of this storm stuff has me doing a reality check on my life. Questioning my mortality. I am also flying across the world…..well country really. I know that is probably safer than many things…but definatley far from my comfort zone and far from my everyday small town life. I love them…I knwo they love me..there should never be a doubt.
So what were the things I needed to take care of?
1. First call to Landon ( my ex-husband) he and I are good working partners when it comes to our kids. 3 boys. Bryce, Cole and Preston. My only request? Please make a parenting plan with Rob if something happens to me. Rob has been a part of their lives for 10 years…and they need to know their siblings. Landon agreed. I trust Rob and Landon to make this happen. They are friends and get along well.
2. I want Rob to be able to afford to live without me and my income. He will need to sell everything in studio and pay off debt ( mainly just the car). He has no idea what anything in studio is worth…LOL! So I put my friends Donna & Cindi in charge of that. They will be honest and help him.
3. I told Rob that he can not in any way make Clarissa the “caretaker”. This will be her natural response. I don’t want her to lose her childhood…..and I am afraid all of these men (& her sister) in her life would let her take that role. I know that role very well ( :) ) …I want more for her.
4. I paid all of the bills ahead of time so he wouldn’t have to worry about anything. He has no idea what all is electronic bills and what not so if I don’t make it home December will be chaos for him. So I need to write passwords and accounts down for him. I do it so much that I know due dates and what not by memory. So I have alot stored in my memeory and trying to communicate that to him is difficult.
I know God is at the heart of all of this…my loved ones are tools God has used to shape my life and make me who I am.
What my heart feels:
Swollen. From all the expanding it does anytime I think of my husband. We have been through the mud and back. We both entered a relationship insecure and abandoned and battered….how we made it this far is purely God. We searched we prayed…we fought for what we currently have. I can’t imagine living & loving with any other man. Rob you are my true love. Don’t ever doubt that. I would do the hard years all over again just to have the good years with you. You are worth it!
My Children are a chamber of my heart. My heart expands with every thought. You changed my life. Every single one of you..whether I gave birth to you or not…you took residence in me from the moment I met you inside or out…I love you from the inside out. I know each of you! I know each of you love me as much as I love you. My focus has only ever been your happiness and preparing you for the world. I hope I have been a good example. My only advice is ~keep your eyes on God…..He loves you more than I do. His will, his timing..His love, His plan. Be faithful..take giant leaps of faith it grows you! Never stop growing. I love you all to the moon and back!~
My sisters. You all know who you are. I can’t say what you mean to me in a short summary. You are an extention of me….my soul. I would’t be who I am without you. I have so many sisters…..from all over the globe. Honestly. Each of you have touched my life. Part of what flows through me everyday…keeping my compass straight, keeping me in check. Breathing life into me when I need it….Holding me accountable to my maker. We cry together, laugh, compare notes, grow together and provide help and strength to one another. I am better because of you. I am a better wife and mother because of you. I hope I have impacted you the way you have impacted me. I was a scared little girl living in an adult body and you rescued me. I am forever in debt to you. I will always love you.
My Brother Nathan. It is impossible for you to know how much I truly love you. I feel we are connected by more than blood. I accept and love you. You are beautiful inside and out. my prayer for you is to love yourself inside…you are a great man. You are worthy of a life full of happiness. I tell you I love you everytime I speak to you…but I say it ten thousand more times than that!
To all my other brothers (of the world) Thank you for helping to change my view of a “man”. I had a scewed view of what men were as a young person…now I know those men were a minority. Thank you for cleansing me and helping me. Thank you for changing my world. Thank you for your love and support. You are beautiful and I value our friendships.
My Church Family. I am honored to be a part of all of you. Honestly…God planted me in the perfect place. Kindred spirts, beautiful souls and a real family. We accept eachother flaws and all. That is a real family. The way this family takes care of one another is a testimony of heart and soul! I just want to say thank you for the acceptance and love. PLease take care of my family while I am away…..they will need you. God takes care of all those details…always.
So there you have it…..I just had to get that off my chest. Thank you!