It’s amazing to me that there are several definitions of family. I am pretty sure the only definition that applies to my personal extended family is the biological one. Honestly, I have a realtionship with my Grandma and two Aunts. Having a glimpse into why has been amplified by 1000 this whole last week.
I have to say that it isn’t enough that my beloved grandma was on the brink of a Huge heart attack that could have taken her life…so she has an ER triple bypass. That kind of stress is enough. The fact that she still isn’t out of CICU. That’s enough. The fact that her lungs aren’t cooperating and she could be on oxygen permanently. That’s enough.
Instead I have CRAZY in my bloodlines. Do you know that CRAZY people have this great ability to be able to make everything about themselves? Honestly.
All of these people come out of the woodwork when they think there is a payday around the corner. These people don’t call or connect with MY grandma…they don’t want to take her to the doctor appointments, shovel her driveway, help her shop or clean. They live in town. They can’t even call her to tell her they love her. But when she is sick or on the brink of death? Well then by all means let’s start swirling and seeing what we can get while she’s down. It’s really pathetic. I am sad. I am horrified that this is a part of me. It makes me feel shamefull in my weak moments…that I come from that!
Not only am I made out to be a horrible person for surviving and rising above….I am also attacked for my faith. That happens to all of us doesn’t it? The funny thing is……I never mentioned Church, prayer….God, Jesus or anything of faith. In these negative transactions. yet they belittle me for it. Do you know what that says to me? They recognize light. They can see it but they are not done with darkness yet. They have a hard way of life…they aren’t making headway…what do they have to lose by trying Jesus? If all else fails you should try everything. I didn’t have to try everything before taking my leap….I am so thankful I didn’t have to…HE chose me. I am forever Grateful!
Then I get this great INSPIRATION.
It is all things i have shared before but it’s just so apparent in these times of battle. I have chosen my family. Or I should say God chose them for me. I can’t change my bloodlines…But God did bring people into my life to compensate. Not just compensate. Not the right term. what am I trying to say? I can apprecaite everyone so much more because I know what darkness is. I know what that life is. I lived with it for so long….these last several years of not being around it have been good. Better than I thought..clearly because having the minimal contact I have this last week is enough for a lifetime. A lifetime of never wanting to be around it again. I guess I got comfortable…I needed that reminder of why I can’t/shouldn’t be around those people. I really don’t want them near my children….in fact my children are already healthier than they are….that is enough to make me realize despite all the parental mistakes I have made..I have done a really good job. God gave that to me. Everything good comes from him. All the worth comes from him. I am so glad he is my parent. If he weren’t, those names my Bio mother called me…would stick. Those threats would stick…but God is my protector. I am so darn proud of myself! I have come so far…..God has been working on me and he never gives up! I cry just thinking of that one thing..he never gives up…he never forsakes me…he is unconditional….in every way!
I owe everything to him! I ask him to do his will!
I know some of you struggle with these same things. Unwanted children. If you believe in God……YOU are Wanted, Loved & Worthy! Trust me! I am almost giddy with that kind of news!