I have a running list that goes through my head every minute of everyday.
~Everything I have to do
~Everything I need to do
~Everything I should do
It’s exhausting. Honestly.
Yesterday while I was finishing up a quilt….Rob came home from work. When he comes home I always stop and greet him. He decided to go out and play basket ball with Roo. (Clarissa’s nickname has always been Roo)
She was sad and not talking to anyone. Her brothers have rejected her to many days in a row and they won’t play BBall with her. She doesn’t fit in with her sister and she is trying to learn to play…cause she wasn’t that great in her league. She needs the practice and nobody will help her. The usual routine when Rob gets home is Dinner, chores and then he goes to bed because he works long days and gets up early. I would maybe take a few minutes to help her…but sadly that would be the blind leading the blind…I can’t play ball. It’s really sad because she adores and worships her brothers..but they don’t take the time for her. So Rob decided to play with her…and I went out to take pics of Beth’s quilt. I got a few pics of them playing. They were throwing the ball…but Clarissa was a non-stop chatter box…telling Rob about everything..kind of made me chuckle..cause he just wanted to play…but that is a girl for ya.
This is Princess the cat…I have shared about her before…can I just say how nice it would be to be a cat? This cat has been a bone of contention in this house for a LONG time. This is Jeri’s cat. Clarissa has always wanted a cat. But I keep saying “no.” She has had a bunny..and she has had a cat before. ( it’s sad but someone killed it) I just don’t want anymore pets. The vet bills, our yard..ect. We have to much going on here. Not only that Princess hates all other animals…so we can’t get a cat or she chases them away…it doesn’t work well. Princess likes to hang in my flower beds. She likes this little piece of wood in the flower bed….sometimes she snuggles in between this and the iris’.
Now it’s a bone of contention because Jeri is leaving and she can’t take pets with her. So guess what? Clarissa gets a cat. Jeri is upset about that? I am not really sure why? she needs to give it to someone…and why not her sister. who knows..but regardless the cat is staying and Clarissa now has her own cat. Clarissa thinks she can do a better job of taking care of her than Jeri…she has at least been saying that for the last 5 years…and pointing out anytime Jeri doesn’t clean the litter box or feed her properly. So here’s her chance. :)
I am kind of hurt about Jeri and some of her choices lately. I knew it was just going to get more difficult. We had lots of drama last weekend. She tried running away in her car…that doesn’t have insurance….along with a few other choices she has made. She is going to have a difficult time just because she chooses to manipulate and lie rather than be genuine to people around her. She would rather have chaos and division than peace and harmony. In these last few weeks it’s about ALL of us doing “our time” to get her out the door so we can have a collective sigh of relief. What a sad way to be. Honestly. I don’t want to give all of the gristly details…..but it’s difficult. She had almost 20 missing assignments rather than the 12 that we thought she had…and she thinks she can graduate without doing anything. When we hold her accountable she doesn’t like it and wants us to leave her alone. Sad thing is….I know many adults like this. Than the icing on the cake..all the quilts and lovely things that I and some of our relatives have made her ( even the personalized ones) she gave away to good will and the yard sale. Really? I am really reconsidering gifting her the quilt I made her for graduation. It’s such a difficult thing to understand. Someone who is not attached. She can’t attach properly to humans ( she has reactive attachment disorder)..so of course she can’t attach to the special things she is given. She is saving candy wrappers and unimportant things…but not sentimental things. It’s hard to wrap my brain around. So the pink & brown one I am not going to part with…but the memory quilt I will have to give her because it has her picture on it.
Bryce and I were talking about things on Monday…..I wonder if a miracle will happen in this house once we get one of the drama makers out. I feel guilty thinking it…and saying it out loud. I really honestly do…..but maybe this is how we know we are ready? Maybe this was the only way we could be ready? I know they won’t all be this way…I know we will have mixed reactions ..because we have 6 kids. Different personalities, different journeys ect. But I was sure hoping that we could have a good experience rather than a bad one….with it being our first one. But I can say at least she is graduating and we as parents got her there. What she does now is on her.
We shall see.
I have also decided to eat healthier. My Pastor, His name is Walt but my kids call him P-Dub…so I will refer to him as PW, asked us to pray and fast for 40 days..this started on 4-6-13. I decided to give up soda for 40 days as my fast. I would say I am not as bad as some folks who drink lots of pop…like Rob. But I was drinking 1-2 a day. Do you know why? Mostly convenience….it’s easy to grab a pop rather than pour a glass of tea or get some ice water. I would also say there have been some days where I was thirsty all day because I was to lazy to get a beverage…just being honest. LOL So it’s not that easy. I would also say that I am not a fan of flat pop….but I can’t waste anything …so I will drink flat warm pop..even the next day rather than waste it….weird right? I drink diet soda…so I don’t get the sugar rush…but I do like the caffeine. I am not a coffee drinker….I like a mocha every now and again…but not a regular thing for me. So it’s been iced tea, crystal light and water. I feel better…actually? Probably because I am consuming more water.
But I have been steadily gaining weight….I am officially the heaviest I have ever been in my life (even pregnancy weight). I am still going for surgery ( as of now). But I am thinking I should at least try…(again) so I can feel better. Like one last hurrah…..I am also wondering …since my high need child is leaving if it will be better for me to concentrate on myself because we will all have a bit of rest. One of my besties was able to focus on herself more after her troubled son left home…and she lost 100 pounds. I am not blaming my child for my weight issue..It’s all my issue….please don’t mis -understand. I use food in an unhealthy way. I will always have stress. I will always have things to deal with and I need a new coping skill. But when I am always putting out fires..and everything is an emergency…I don’t have time to think about a replacement strategy. It takes everything out of me to work, clean, cook, pay bills..and be with my family. Church is my rest. So maybe I will now. Never know.
You know me always honest..gotta put it out there. I know many people suffer the same afflictions..I know I am not alone…and this too shall pass. So I will go back to my day with my running thoughts of everything……:) At least I know I am doing some of it..even if I don’t get to all of it.