It’s not a big secret…public speaking is terror for me. I am not sure it will ever be easy.
Today I got up early even though I was tired. stressed. I had typed out all I wanted to say.
Before church Rob and I went to get coffee and breakfast.I needed to take my mind off of it…but on the way there I started reading what I had typed….I started to cry.
Crying comes easily to me. everything is just under the surface for me. I am so soft, I cry about everything. But I am berating myself for crying. It’s not as if any of this is a shock to me right? I mean I typed it…I lived it…it’s part of me. Sometimes crying is percieved as weakness. I don’t feel I am weak. I feel that I am strong. So to cry in front of everyone…will I be sending the right message? also it’s not as if I haven’t delt with it or know that there was a reason for it…I woudln’t appreciate the life I have without it. Woudl people not understand me? Rob said…..”Charisma if this was someone else talking you would cry…if this was a charachter in a book…you would cry”. “It’s just the way you are”…don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s true. He’s right. ( he will love reading this one statement…nothing I say after this will matter…typical male..right?)
So I just have to own it. So walking up to the alter I was shaking…..and crying. LOL. real easy to talk right? With 100 eyes starting at you.
My eyes were blurred so I kept losing my place. I am sure I only shared half of what I wanted to share..I had to ramble because I kept losing my place…and I am not sure I had this great message tied up in a nice little bow like I had imagined…while I was typing it. But there is a purpose and reason for everything right? I mean I feel like it wasn’t useless. I hope I touched a few.
I think I need to get better about speaking in public…because if I have this difficult time….all the time..I am going to be forced to do it anyway right? It seems our most difficult lessons…are what we are always given to work on….so I just see that I am going to have to conquer public speaking…cause this is insane..that I have to go through this every time. I am not working to my potential because of this fear. I hate that. I feel like a failure when I can’t get out what I want to get out! Baby steps. Those are my initial feelings…but I know I served a purpose. I did conquer the fear today..I got through it… all is good.
Can I just say how much I love my church family? Honestly. They make it so much easier for me. They were kind.
Then the music…..WOW! We had several new songs today. The songs mirrored my message. no coincidences right? It was amazing. I felt that and than Victoria ( leads worship) same to me and said the same thing I thought.
Now we are having issues with the youth group. Of course I have a heart for children because I was one of those unwanted children..that roamed the neighborhood for a soft cozy place. The teens used to meet by themselves…but then over the summer the church found that they had a need for younger kids…we have a small chuch..there are 40-50 kids showing up for YG night. They split up teh lessons..and gear the lessons for each age group…but free time and snacks is shared by all. A lot of these kids are only knowing God because of YG night…..some of the older teens are upset that they have to share their time. I am so upset with one of our kids for being so selfish. I wont say who. I was that kid that needed loved YG. I was probably annoying, dirty, and wore the wrong clothes. But I was ready to absorb. I think this is a great time for these older kids to step up and be missionaries. They need to think of the greater good and represent Jesus. Instead they are focused on themselves and what is best for them. UGH! Typical teens ..I know. But when do we quit saying “Typical behavior” and start teaching them how to think outside of themselves? When do we decide …..that they need to have growth and make them learn to love everyone. I won’t let anyone cater to this selfish-ness when it comes to my kids.
My patsor asked if I would come to Wednesday night and tell the teens my story of coming to Jesus and what an impact it has made on my life. I think their behavior is probably typical of many groups young or old. We all need to compromise..put in some hard work..and let the Holy Spirit lead us. His plan is better than my own.
I think something has started. I have so much testimony to share..God brought me out of a pit….I am thankful!
It is a shame to keep it to myself. Gets no use right? I need to be mindful of that.
I hope you all think about your testimony. What messages would you want to share? what are your core beliefs?
Here are a few of mine…of course you have all heard them.
~Expect the unexpected
~ There are never coincidences
~ God only has one plan for us. Plan A…..no plan B.
~ God has a bigger dream for me than I had for myself
~there is a reason and a purpose.
I would love to hear your testimonies….please share if you are able.