I am struggling.
This is nothing new. I struggle with all of my roles. Wife, Mother, Christian and Friend.
Haiti has been hit hard with this storm Hurricane Sandy. I write this as millions of people on the east coast are preparing for disaster. ( I feel selfish)
Haiti is in need of help..and not many resources…..America has resources. But that is not what has me struggling.
Is it responsibile for me to fly across the country and be part of a relief effort? Or stay in my cozy home and continue being a wife and mother? This is the story of my life. I skipped out on a vacation with my friends in May because my Grandma needed me……I didn’t want any regrets. She is my family…I didn’t have to think about it to long. This time around…..I don’t want to have any regrets for not following God’s orders and doing his work. He loves my family more than I do…whatever his will he will take care of them and me. I am the glue for this family. But isn’t that selfish controlling thinking? I am the GLUE….no I am not! God is! He knows what is best for them…..far more than I do.
This is all about trust. I was struggling with everything when there wasn’t mass destruction and I was going to plant a garden and build a chicken coop. This is crazy. Now I will be working along side people who have less than nothing. What impact could I possibly have? It is beyond my control. I like to think I am one of those strong people. But I have to be honest…just seeing the photos has me bawling like a blubbering idiot. Why? Because my emotions are always bubbling at the surface. How could I go there for a few days…..offer food and water..serve my two weeks and come home to all my luxuries? GUILT. How is that genuine? How can I do that? I will feel guilty for all I have…for all God has given me. I am the person who’s heart breaks along side anyone next to me. Empathy. Can I personally do this? What kind of toll will this take on me? Will this break me? How selfish am I for having these thoughts?
The Storm has officially passed Haiti I am aware..however..when I can get a decent report on what they are going through right now..there is still danger lurking. It has not stopped raining in Port Au Prince. ( this is where the airport is located…where I am supposed to fly in) The problem..there is a raging river..that is about to break all the banks that surround it and if it does it will cause further deaths and damage. I may not be able to make it in to Haiti anyway. So I am waiting. Praying…..hoping for God’s will. Hoping that I get clear signs as to what my role in all of this is. I don’t want to have regrets about anything. In my selfish heart I want to make it home to my family because they are my true love…..God is at the center. I feel angusih….not knowing what choice to make. So I am in limbo…waiting. I am thankful that I will know in a week and I only have to experience this for a week. But I will do what God calls me to do.
My brother is telling me not to go. My friend Cindi is telling me not to go. I need to put my family first. But as God is the head of my family and life…..so I just need a clear understanding of what he wants me to do..this is where I am struggling. Deciphering between the fleshy fear and my holy guidance. This is something we all struggle with in everyday life…it just seems that this situation is tough for me.
I just keep thinking about refinement. Facing my fear and following my calling.
So a few weeks ago when I explained how our trip had changed..our flight plans changed ect? Our original plans were that we would have a 14 hour layover in New Jersey. Now we fly out of Miami instead. Is that not a clear sign that God knew what was happening all along..New Jersey is going to be hit pretty hard …..and Miami is not. So isn’t he paving the way for us?
IF I go and make it home I will be a better person. A better Wife, Mother & Friend. What if I don’t make it home? I am being responsible by making all of my plans. organizing everything and making sure they can function without me. hard to swallow. The reality is I could die today leaving to deliver packages and drive downtown. I am not in control. So I have to rest in God hands. I have to get out of my comfort zone. I have to believe that all is well…
I keep going back to the fact that I am stubborn…God is always shaping me, molding me..and all along the dragging me kicking and screaming because I feel I am not ready or worthy. He equips me, protects me and knows what is best for me..he knows what choice I will make before I make it. my problem is..I want him to make it for me..it never works like that. So at this point in time I am going. I think I am needed…I am called…and I can’t let fear rule me any longer. I need to continue in the path that God has paved.