So I got a message a few weeks ago from an editor at our local paper. It’s just a small paper that comes out a few days a week. She bought a Love of Quilting ( July- August 2019) magazine because she liked the barn quilt. Her husband is a farmer. Then she realized that the designer was from Ephrata WA. *smile* She asked if that was my first publication. It’s like #7…but I have 20+ accepted now.
So here is the article:
I am going to write a long drawn out post about personal feelings that really have nothing to do with the article….but I want to document my feelings….and be honest for a moment. Just bypass as it’s a bit much. Unless you are a person who struggles with body image & fitting in. You might relate.
I moved here in 2002. I think the town has at least doubled in size since then….but I think when I moved here there was about 6000 people here (give or take). It’s rural community but the roots of our community started when FDR built the Grand Coulee dam. It opened up all of this farm land. There was an incentive to come here and farm and then the land would be given to you. Well so many people came here at the same time and they all know each other or they are related to each other….and you have to be here for a significant amount of time before you are considered a “local.” I still have not been here long enough. LOL.
So it was pretty shocking that I would be considered for an article. Honestly. I don’t know many people here. So I find it good that my work is speaking it for itself. I had to reach a national audience to get recognition in my own backyard….isn’t that how it goes?
I think the other part is that I work from home. I don’t socialize a whole lot. I have my core group of friends and I stick with them. I meet them for breakfast once a week. While at breakfast a few weeks ago, a few men came up to our table and asked what we were gossiping about. I said we weren’t gossiping. Honestly, we don’t. They said they found that hard to believe….probably because they were….small town gossip ( the men are probably worse). But I don’t sit around talking about other people. We talk about quilting, religion, politics…and lots of other happy things. LOL. I try to surround myself with people who don’t engage in those types of behaviors. I have learned in my life that it’s not healthy. I think small town life does that to you. Maybe it’s age, wisdom, ect. I have learned my lessons. But I don’t care who is sleeping with who…who is rich who isn’t…blah blah. That takes up space in my head and time I can’t ever get back listening to that garbage….also you never know what is true and what isn’t….and who cares? I clearly have enough of my own stuff to sort out. I can’t be focused on anyone else.
Anyway…the article is nice. It’s nice to be featured….but in normal Charisma fashion….I can’t just accept it. I make strides in one area of my life….but then the photo comes. I just want to die. I hate photos of myself. I have gained weight ….I quit jogging because of my back. I have let poor food choices back into my diet. I am a wreck. Honestly. I am trying to analyze everything…and the truth of the matter is that I quit prioritizing myself.
I have so many irons in the fire and I have let food become my coping mechanism, again. old habits die hard. I quit taking care of myself on pretty much every level….I find that I am so focused on house projects, pattern business ect that I don’t even want to make time to shower ( I do….but I force myself) not because I am depressed but because I am 100% laser focused. I am not sure why I can’t be a balanced person. It’s all or nothing.
So I see the photo and I don’t even really want to read the article. For so many years I would never put myself “out there” because of my weight. I found myself wanting to retreat again. I decide I would say “no” to any more photo ops ect because I just beat myself up without any mercy or grace. So who wants to volunteer for that? But then I resolve myself to accepting that this is a battle I will have to fight for the rest of my life. I know this. This will never be truly conquered.
I can go through a whole list of reasons as to how I could be helped ect….but the truth is that if I start to feel a tiny bit insecure about one area of my life…I revert to these bad habits. Starting a new business has made me feel vulnerable and unstable. I have realized I could and would never be the type of person who plays the stock market, or gambles….or does any of that sort of thing because seriously the pressure is unbelievable. Anxiety and stress and worry…eat my alive. This isn’t even a life or death situation and I do this to myself? crazy, right?
I go to bed praying every night. I wake up and before I open my eyes, I pray to God. I write in my thankful journal everyday. I am trying to put everyday coping skills into my life so I can relieve some of the anxiety. So now I just have to put exercise back into that routine. It will help tremendously.
So all of that in a round about way….has made me realize that I need to make some changes and get back to a better me. I just need to be laser focused on myself as well. No more beating myself up. It’s pointless.
I just need to rise up once again. Meet he challenge and do good things.