Friday 08/03/12
Well this has been an interesting week.
I have been working…just not as much as I usually do..I mean I am working the same amount…just not getting as much done. Shoulder pain…and ruler work…love the finished effect..so totally worth it!
Lots of drama..cause well someone crazy in my family struck again. It’s amazing…”crazy wants to play”…and I am just amazed that even when you don’t talk to someone they want to strike and cause pain….I think they have finally learned that I won’t play and I won’t be hurt by stupid games..but others in my family will be. I would think the whole situation utterly ridiculous and funny ..if it were not for innocent people getting hurt. I was not involved..so thankfully I don’t have to deal with it. But honestly it has been my role to always protect and serve…LOL ( my brother) and when he is hurt I just want to rescue him because he has been through to much for anyone to blindly slap him in the face. So it’s like messing with one of my kids..that mama bear in me comes out and wants to step in and take care of him. Why? Because nobody else would or has.
I am also shocking disturbed by what is acceptable by our great ole state of WA as far as child protective services. My faith in the system was not great to begin with…but now after all this stuff with my niece & nephew …I don’t think that it works at all. My sister is a forever drug addict ( until she kills herself with her meth addiction) that doesn’t take care of her kids…and although CPS was involved for a time…they neglected to stay in the kids lives..and once again they are spiraling out of control…and it is sad to see that these kids have no future. They can choose to have a future just like I did…but so much damage caused by abusive- neglectful parents…it’s a lifetime of pain.
When I reflect on myself and my parenting…I always feel like maybe I did to much for my kids…I don’t let them do anything because I want so much more for them. Maybe I shouldn’t protect them so much….because they will turn out just like my sister? Even though their childhoods were different. It’s all entitlement. Not responsible. No accountability or maturity.
I struggle with my teenagers…and I wonder if this is their lot if life. Will they be just like her? almost 30 years old with no coping skills. Not because they were abused..but because they were over protected. How do I know if I made a mistake? Being to good to them. I can just cry thinking about it. They all know how to clean laundry, do the dishes ect…some of them can budget. How much of it is nature verses nurture? I was there from the beginning ( for most of them) and I still couldn’t tell you. Its’ crazy! I know this is the concerns of every parent. Finding that balance is incredibly difficult. I am not going to be a perfect parent…but in all honesty ~ I know, I will have to answer to God someday about how he entrusted these little lives to me…and I want to be proud of my role in their lives. Overall….I am not proud of every moment or every parenting decision……but overall….I think I did better than what I was taught. When you start out negative..it’s hard to catch up. I learned so much along the way.
So I know I can’t compare myself to others because we all have gifts and talents. But going beyond gifts and talents…loyalty and responsibility go just as far as those gifts. I was loyal to my kids/family. I felt and immediate responsibility to them and geared my whole universe around them…to the detriment of my marriages and myself. Now it’s game time. I have to make my husband number 2 behind God because these teenagers are going o be gone in a few years and when your whole life has been centered around kids..well things change and I am in for a rude awakening. It’s better to get in gear now and build something stronger with Rob. Mind you he is just the same as I am….so we have been able to make this work…..when the kids leave we are both a little panicked..LOL. In a good way. But When I see what my sister has done to her children….I just wonder why? Why would she do this? What did she miss? Why did I escape? How? but I know there is a reason and purpose for everything and I am not judging…..I am just thankful that I am not her…or what she will have to face with her choices. I have my own set of problems..but I truly know I will be prepared for those battles along the way cause I know whom everything I have comes from. It makes all the difference in the universe. I have to go through this process in my own mind though, before I can then answer the whys and hows?? I totally get it! I totally get that I was chosen so early and all I can pray for is that my own get called in early on.
I have also learned in my crazy family and past friendships what the difference between support and enabling are…….I will say it out loud and proud….I refuse to enable my children. I know I will be judged…..but they will need to sick or swim in life. Once I have taught or tried to teach them…its up to them. I think that is a HUGE problem with kids these days.
So that is my process…or rant for this last couple of days. I know I am doing teh best I can. I know I LOVE my children..I know they love me. I Know that they have free will just like me. All I can do is pray and hope for the best.
Hope is my middle name after all……and I think it’s truly ingrained within me.
I hope you all have a Fabulous Friday!