My Thoughts

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 36. WOWZA! I am almost to 40. Some people cringe at the thought of getting older. I don’t. I don’t. You know when I am 40 I will only have two kids left at home…..that will be weird. I think the older I get the closer to Jesus I am. The end is drawing near..breath by breath. It may sound weird…but I know when I see him again that the pain is over. I am not scared of that.

I am excited for the changes. For a few years Rob & I thought we wanted another baby. Rob even got a reversal. Yeah. It hasn’t happened. we left it in God’s hands. he knows best. But I have to say the teen years are killing us..so Yes God knows best. I don’t know if taking on a baby would be the best with all of these teens..the teens need us more. I also like that Rob and I can go on a date without finding a sitter,  I don’t have to lug a bunch of bags and toys around every where…or stop to change a diaper or go potty.  I don’t have to make breakfast or lunch unless I want too….they are all self sufficient.

I missed it at first but I adapted. Now it’s good. I don’t know that Rob could get up in the middle of the night anymore..he is getting really cranky in his old age.   So there’s another reason. hehe.

Anytime a birthday comes around you try  to put perspective on your life. Which I have had to do alot in the last couple of months. Which you all know because I share freely.

Just a note about that: I think some people don’t like my personal stuff shared. I am sorry for that. I made a commitment to myself that I would always be real. I know I could be real and white wash this whole blog. I know I could just share the good or mundane things in my life. But I won’t. I think life is a journey…a process. I am a work in progress. I share because I think that people can relate to that. I think people can’t relate to fake or white-washed ( maybe some white wash) . I also think if one person feels connected to me in some way because I am honest…I helped someone without intending too…and that is inspiring to me and to others.    Between all of my personal posts I post pictures of quilts. Most people are probably here because of my job..which is quilting…but between the layers of that quilt is me.  The real me. I serve God…and he has made me this way. I am not always right…..I am not always wrong. I just am in the process …sorting out life like everyone else. I had a rough upbringing…like some of you. But I overcame it and now I am raising pretty normal kids. His mine, ours, somebody else’s. I have a big heart and I love to love….I have a heart for the wounded and for children. I think we can all help each other. I feel we are called to do that. So if you are inspired by my life journey…great! If you are inspired by quilts….great! if you don’t like one or the other…please just skip past those parts. I don’t mind. This blog helps me sort out my feelings release them and process life. If that’s where it ends that is perfectly fine…if during that process it helps someone else…TO GOD BE THE GLORY! Honestly! He is in control and I will be obedient.

So my current perspective is pretty much the same as last year. At the core of us all we want to be loved. I see this floundering….I see all of the pain….and I am not struggling like that anymore. Praise GOD!

I used to take inventory of all my faults and think how will I ever be normal?….when I have such a heaping mess to overcome? God only convicts us of what we need to work on in each season of our life.   Little by little the transformation happens. He brings people in and out….we have trials and tribulations. we grow, change and evolve. I think I have learned alot in the last year. I think I have calmed down. even more. Even though it may not seem like it in some of my posts. The difference is that I don’t act on them…I just write it out and release it….if I take hold of it again…I write it out again and release it. Like a prayer.   But I have learned I am one of those people…who just can’t say something a few times or read something a few times….if I write it out a few times…if I have that physical action..I tend to remember it better and process it better. Is that part of the visual learning? To see it in writing..is visual..to actually write it is the physical….so I guess i need the double dose ( speaking out loud there for a moment)

I think that instead of internalizing all of the stuff or trying to fix all of the bad stuff in my family….I just think about it, process it and put it in the box to let it go. I have to let go and let God. That has been a tough lesson. especially when you know two innocent children are being hurt.   But once again. God Knows best. I have to let it go. I had done that …then this last episode was such a zinger ..I think it made me finally grasp that I had to grieve the loss. Now it’s a real loss. There is a definite fracture..that won’t be healed. Generations of wounds. But I can say that my kids get to have the best of it all.  Despite my failures…I did better than what I had….I consider that victory!

I also think this is so true. It’s all over Fb in several different way..it makes it rounds quite often. I have a few family members left that are in my life and fit this description. But mostly I have friends..far and near..ones I have met face to face..and ones I have met on-line. I got to choose who my “real” family would be….and that is many of you that read this. Honestly.

I saw this a few days ago and I just loved it. It spoke straight to my heart:

So here’s to welcoming a new year in my life….this journey. I welcome it.