Waging the War

I have been incredibly busy. No sleep busy. ( That’s pretty normal…I know) But our county fair is next week and the local quilts have calmed down. I only have a calm before the storm because in a month is a quilt show in Wenatchee… I have had some of those already….but some are finishing up and  wait until the last minute. It’s just the nature of the beast that is creative….right?

But I have managed to get my front yard in order. YAY me! I have been neglecting it for quite some time..and just a little bit of care and it’s coming back. When the weather cools down I will be thinning out some things… so it will be even better. I trimmed our tree. I bought some landscaping things to build another flower bed in our unsightly side yard..on the other side of our driveway…our neighbors hate that side of our yard…so does Rob. I can’t wait to build that up and make it pretty. I keep going back and forth if I should make it all pretty or keep most  of it as fresh dirt for a garden next year. I think it would be good to grow some of my own veggies and what not. Can some salsa and have fresh garden greens at dinner. so I am leaning towards that plan.

I have been having some struggles. It’s seems to be on going in my family. I think I have really let it all go. I am not trying to save anyone or even give advice. I just listen..sometimes laugh at their ridiculousness and watch as they ruin everything in their path. If there was something I could do..I would do it. I mean something tangible that would get results. But I have learned that is not possible. They have to learn.  It’s all very sad and I have to laugh rather than cry. It all plays out on Fb on a daily basis…which makes for good evening laughs. Better than Jerry Springer. Sad part is that it has also been happening with another family at church…..attacking us on Fb and trying to get people to take sides. I had a double dose yesterday. I just kind of laughed at the whole thing. I had it in my mind that I chose a different life.  That I had surrounded myself with God fearing , mature people and that were different than the family I came from. But there was a side by side show of all of it yesterday. I kind of laughed at the irony of it all.  The root of it all is enabling. I didn’t engage in any of it. Then I would be at their level. The root of the dysfunction in both families is enabling.  So no matter where you come from or whether you go to church on Sundays..if you don’t understand the concept of enabling….it will all stay that way. If you put lipstick on a pig..it’s still a pig right? Do you remember that line in Joe Dirt…when he tells the guy his name is “Joe Dirte”…the guy responds with ” Don’t church it up son”. Exactly ..it is what it is. Dirt.

I have also been struggling with this family at church. The family that my daughter has moved in on. They are a family of enablers and they don’t understand my daughters illness. they say they do and then do the opposite of what she needs. I thought since we were a “church family” that I could be honest and work with them. I thought they had her best interest at heart. I thought they would trust me when I told them about her. Instead they believe her lies and dysfunction. They take everything she says at face value knowing she lies? If I were to believe everything she says …I would believe she is a saintly virgin who has never done anything wrong. Even as of last night when her dad was talking to her. She has no credibility with us. I was hoping when she got out on her own that she would get a reality check and learn to be a functional human being,  maybe quit lying to us when she doesn’t have to deal with the consequences. That is not the case….as long as she gets hand-outs she will never get a leg up. I can talk to these people until I am blue in the face..they don’t get it. So I am done talking to them. There is a trust issue. I don’t trust them…clearly they don’t trust me. My daughter causes division every where she goes. She hurts people every where she goes…but we are all strong enough( meaning myself Rob and our other 5 kids)  to get over it and deal with it…she is not..so when it all comes to the end she is going to have a mess to clean up.   She will have to live with her choices. But I have had to make a choice to keep my other 5 children away from her and these people. I think if you can’t trust someone an any level you don’t trust them with your children.

My children are my most precious cargo and I won’t take chances with them. My daughter is welcome here ….and at church ( of course) ….but she will not drag us down any longer. It is so difficult to say…or act on. Someone you love so much. I feel that God has a plan for all of us. One plan. We can get in the way of his plan…but at some point he will always bring us back to plan A. My daughter has to have a dose of reality. She has to learn through pain. God has a plan for her. As long as this family gets in the way of God’s plan ( because they have their own agenda) she will not learn and continue in this behavior. Enabling will ruin many years in her life. I want God’s plan for her to go into effect ASAP. Instead I feel like I am at the mercy of this family and their agenda rather than God’s. I am going to have to watch her self destruct at every turn for a long period of time. So instead of her crashing and burning by the time she is 20 or 21…she will get it when she is 35 and wound everyone in her wake. This is adulthood. This is parenthood. Parents get no choices..we just have to suffer the consequences of watching our kids be adults. But silly me …I thought if she had proper guidance by another family that was part of my church family..well I guess that was just to good to be true. I thought we had the same values, faiths and principles. Then find out we don’t.  So I am going to put this in the box that it belongs. Let it go. Just like I had to let my own dysfunctional family go. It won’t bother me to go to church with them and be cordial.  I am mature enough in my life and faith to do that. However….just as I don’t trust my family to be around my kids..I won’t trust them to be with my kids. I have to find another youth group for them and no more Sunday School.  I do believe in miracles. I believe that God is bigger than all of this.

But life experience has taught me that the best lessons are the most difficult ones. Dr. Phil along with every other psychologist on the planet probably makes most of their money from people who have enablers in their life. Enablers think they are doing the right thing by rescuing their loved ones from the fire. What they don’t realize is that they are just prolonging it. In many cases I also think it is selfish. As the enabler you would rather make yourself feel better than watch your child go through the hard times.  Yes, it’s painful to watch..but what you have to know is that there is Glory in the end because they got the lesson. The other side of enabling is watching your child die a slow and painful death. I am ready to do the hard work.. Yet, I still have to watch the slow death because another family is willing to get in the way. It’s disturbing to say the least.  In my mind..I thought this family truly cared and loved us. What I find out is that they don’t. They love their addiction more than us and my child. Their addiction is enabling. Yes, that’s an addiction. Maybe the worse of them all Because they can slap that “lipstick” on it that says they “love” them.  They are trying to “help” them. Yeah they can love them straight to the grave…or into darkness. They need not “church” it up and they just need to own it. They are being selfish and getting in the way. This is what my mom has done with my siblings. This is what is happening to my daughter. I have no control. I just have to watch the train wreck before me. God will give me what I need. I can find peace and rest in that. I already forgive all of them because they are being the tools of the devil right now…they can’t see my or hear my cries. But God does.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean respecting them or allowing them to hurt anymore people in my life. So I feel like I am in a good place and handling it well. Rob and I have discussed this…set a plan of action and we are sticking with it. So I went from the boiling water to the frying pan as far as families go. Lesson learned. I now know and I can adapt, grow and adjust. After all that has been my life experience.

My brother has finally realized he is going to probably serve up to 20 years. At this point he has nothing to lose. The walls are crumbling. He and my sister are at odds..because their lifestyle is the way it is you can’t trust anyone..not even “blood’ as they would say. He has been fighting with my Sister’s baby daddy…who has the kids right now. What a mess. I just find it all stupid. sad. and all because my so called mother thinks she is “helping” them. Yeah….well now she is probably gonna be dead before he gets out of prison because she helped him so much. Who wants that for their kid? Her daughter gets to miss her children growing up…..my niece and nephew don’t get functioning parents….even if they aren’t in prison. So I don’t get any of it. How can you dress up that pig? Lipstick ain’t enough…I am tellin you that right now! ( in my best southern accent….which isn’t all the good. LOL)

So other than that I feel good about coming days. I don’t feel bad …or dreadful. I do feel like I am getting stronger. I feel like I am getting better at managing dysfunction. I am seeing the big picture. taking step by step. I am also not eating the pain or dysfunction. Which on my part is really good. I gained about 20 pounds from march..knowing about all the stress of my daughter ect…..and it’s slowly coming off again. So that is always a good sign….for me anyway. I so wish I were one of those people who lost weight when they were stressed. LOL  Oh well ..once again. It is what it is.

Time will tell how this all plays out…and I will be ready. In a good way to go with the flow.

Are you all having a  stress free summer? LOL I would love to hear about relaxing days on the beach and wonder what that is like in another time and place. I will be there someday. Hopefully. Since Rob and I have had our kids young..we might be young enough to enjoy it when we get there…if they don’t kill us before that.