Struggles…..

This is going to be open ended isn’t it?

It’s so difficult dealing with mental illness. I will say this 1000 times. It kills me. I tell the people that are dealing with my adult child now about her illness..I send them a fact sheet of all of her “symptoms” or behaviors. They say they get it..they understand. But now that they are living with her ….they find some “odd” things. We have been made out to be these monsters that treat her poorly….all this time…. because she seems so sweet. That was the first thing on the list. I didn’t create this list…it’s from professional therapists who deal with this disorder.  Seriously.

She also lies about lots of stuff that don’t need to be lied about. she throws Rob and I under the bus all the time….and we don’t defend ourselves.it’s pointless.  Until people are hurt by her there is nothing I can do….they don’t believe us. This has been happening her whole life. She is an abuser ( not of drugs) . I mean an abuser.

I have to find my new normal. I am really struggling because I like to sort things out in my brain…put it in a box and walk away. This is a situation that I don’t have a box for. How is that possible? I mean I have lots of boxes. Right? I guess its just everything.

I gotta give it up. I know I don’t have any control. I don’t care how she spends her money cause I am not giving her any…I have set my boundary. I know I can’t trust her because she lies about everything. So what does that leave me with? ( I feel like not a whole lot) It leaves me with loss.

I have a loss of a child. I have a loss of my role in someone’s life. I have loss of some duty ( although that part is good). I have loss of a chunk of my heart. I have loss of tears…

I have so much grief. I wish sometimes I wasn’t a woman…because I look to the future so much. I don’t want to keep picturing her future in my head. It’s never a happy place.

Mental illness robs her whole family of these happy times.

So I need to make a mind shift. I need to focus on something else. I do well for a few days..then I hear something and it bothers me. But none of it is new stuff so why am I letting it get to me? I wonder if anything I did sunk in..did I make an impact?

This is one of those moments that I need to remember. I have to remember it because when it comes back full circle….( praying it will…sooner rather than later) I can rejoice.

I feel like I invested more in her than any of my other children….and for what? I felt she needed me more…and for what?

Was it all for nothing? Did a take a gamble and lose? She is a precious life…and i feel God brought her to me….so I am not going to let the negatives creep in…anymore. I need to make that commitment to myself.

For the most part I honestly have to say my household is really calm. The other kids see some of  the mistakes she is making ( unprotected sex, mismanagement of money & job, no longer attending church) and they have their opinions. They are young. They haven’t been tested and who knows what they will do? I would be naive to believe that some or all  of the others won’t make poor choices. But they will go in understanding the consequences.    I heard someone say one time that your kids are like pieces of your heart on the outside of your body….going through this I kind of wish I had less children! LOL There will be nothing left of me..if I don’t get a handle on this. I am praying that either my other kids make better choices for themselves… or I need to get stronger. maybe both. For sure both.

This probably seems like small problems to some of you parents who have been run through the mill…..:) So I know I will live and it will be a distant memory. I am going through this for a reason right?

But getting back..my house is not in a constant stir of turmoil and power struggle. The boys have issues among themselves…The Horton boys are just loaded with testosterone that they constantly need to compete and display…ugh!  But there is a calmer presence in our house. We are all more rested….and not on edge waiting for the next “issue”.  I didn’t think she would have that much of an effect on the others. She put them on edge too…..Maybe because she was always upsetting the parents? Who knows….It’s just feels better. SO I should be celebrating that.

I also have to say I haven’t filled her room yet. I was going to…I was pretty anxious to do that. Now I can’t bring myself to do it. Oddly enough the boys haven’t asked me about it either. I tell myself I need to. It will be a part of my “new normal” process. It will probably help me put it in the box and put it away. In the back of my mind I think I need to fill it too…that way when she comes to visit..she won’t think about coming back. LOL. I don’t want that to be to easy. Is that really a good reason to fill it though? Rob would say NO.

The Guenther’s are moving. The family we have been friends with…go to church with…and our kids have been besties for years.  Clarissa’s bestie is Shelby…and Shelby’s older brothers are here several days a week…have been for years. I feel like another part of my family is leaving. they are moving to Montana.  So all of my kids are going to experience a significant loss this summer as well. Thursday is the magic day. So pray for all of us to find another normal….I feel bad for Bryce….every best friend he has ever had..has eventually moved far away…and he doesn’t get to see them. 2 years of high school left and another one leaves.

So this is what is happening….the good thing is that 2013 is half over. So I only have half a year to go…LOL! How is that for struggles?

Thanks for hanging in with me. I feel like I am getting there..helps me to write it out and share it.

xoxxo