First weekend in August 2012

Yesterday was Rob’s 38th birthday. He LIES and tells everyone he is like 29 or something?…then he likes to tell everyone I am COUGAR for liking such a younger guy than myself. Oh Bother!

I will be 35 next weekend…so clearly I am not a cougar!

But I have to say my DH isn’t a worker bee usually..but he worked his heart  and body out for me yesterday at the car wash. We had a car wash in 105 degree weather for my mission. Anything to earn funds..right?  We had fun but it was really exhausting….I think what I am really finding exhausting besides the heat…is my kids. they exhaust me. I think I could get so much more done not having to deal with them. They stress me out…their language….the constant picking and bantering…that just grinds on me ….most of the time. I need to learn to walk away and not let it get to me. But instead I referee and get frustrated. I hope this is all teens. I am getting older by the minute ……fountain of youth….where are you? UGH!

After the car wash the kids were still wanting to do something active…I wasn’t going out into the sun again…I wanted to finish reading my book, Sister Wives. I fell asleep doing that…Rob also fell asleep…and the kids went to the pool. Except Clarissa …she stayed home, read, played games…sang songs in her room with her dolls. Whatever she wanted without the boys messing with her. Jeri is in Portland….she is coming home today.

I asked Rob what he wanted for dinner…..he wanted either a McDonalds Angus Deluxe…or steak and mushrooms with asparagus. Really is this even a competition. So I was going to go to the grocery store and get all the makings…he opted for Mcdonalds..which is easy on me…so whatever. That would be my last option. LOL

Today for Sunday’s Sermon our associate pastor gave the sermon.

He talked about lots of useful points…Zoe Love…..The difference between our body, soul and spirit…and how we need to take the “I” out of our relationship with God before anything within us changes. We also had Communion today..which I didn’t partake in….I feel like I shouldn’t because of all the family drama…I just want to make sure all is well within my soul before I do that…so if I have one doubt I won’t partake. So again I denied communion. It’s so sacred I hate missing out…but at the same time…I won’t be selfish.

At the end of the sermon he spoke of a few things….one is our homework. I actually teared up…cause it’s so true. So I am going to give you all this homework as well.

Tonight look at the moon.

What do we know about the moon? in reality it’s not pretty..it’s huge craters in land of ugly dust, clay and rocks. there isn’t life on the moon ( I heard there was water I think…so minimal life..maybe?)..there aren’t any lush green pastures, no plant life….not rolling oceans. However…..when the sun shines on the moon so we can see it ..it looks beautiful to us…doesn’t it?   When the “Son” shines on/through us…we are beautiful as well. Isn’t that a great description. I am in love with that! It’s amazing how God can articulate special things.

The pastor also talked about ambition(s). This is conviction time for me.

I am the ultimate “Star Chart” kid. When I was young I thought I could make a place for myself by being perfect. Right? Good grades, good behavior, and great choices. Then as I got older what I could accomplish made me worthy.  Service work. What I could do for everyone around me..made me worthy. So much so ..that I would die to self  (and sacrifice my family) to make anyone else’s life easier for them. That’s insane. I had to learn to put God first, then myself…so I could have enough for everything I am called to do. But it always creeps in every now and again that I have let things get out of hand..over scheduling myself…with activities. Over scheduling my kids..ect. I could go crazy with all the bible studies and programs I want to attend. I have to limit myself..because church could become a crutch for me. right? I am invited to many bible studies. I won’t commit to anything.  There are a few reasons. Some are valid..some are not.

One of them is that I have been involved in two really good women’s study groups..one of them lasted many years. The other one I was only involved in for 6 months….it is really difficult to find a group of women that you can trust and confide in..It was amazing when it was good and real. I think I will have a hard time capturing that again. I don’t want to put effort into anything else. I realize this is not my “Normal” Charisma self…and this is not a valid reason ..not to join a bible study. God is in control…he will bring all the right people together. My flesh lies to me.

The other reason is that I like being home. I like working in my studio……I like having free time. It’s like now that I am not booking myself..I have tasted some freedom and I like it..and I have gone to the opposite extreme of just wanting to be a homebody and relax. For so many years I had full-time work, school and family that I really took myself out of everything….and wouldn’t commit. Now that I don’t have so many pressing things that have to be done..I like breathing and relaxing. I am a hard worker. This is how I thought I could prove my worth ….it’s all fake and not even a good plan. Cause I have worth just because I am alive. I don’t need to prove worth..the fact that I live and breath is enough….years of work to get to that conclusion.   ( many therapy bills)

But I recognize that again….I am losing part of myself. Maybe I am changing?  I have always been a social butterfly. I have always been that sparkly bubbly person. Social situations were what I craved and wanted. I was always game for a party…..not a bad party…any social function. Now …not so much. I wonder if this is a phase? Is it my husband’s influence? Am I getting so wrapped up in my work and family I don’t want to bother with anything else. Or is just plain knowing what I can and can’t handle. Am I truly getting better? That I can recognize my limits before I am already committed? That just seems to reasonable to be true! LOL I am ambitious to a point. I work all the time…not to please anyone anymore…but because I find comfort in my work. I think it’s a double edge sword that I love my work.  Is it ambition to LOVE your work?

I know it really isn’t…but how much is to much?

I can justify my actions away to myself and everyone around me everyday…but to get to the root of it..what is it?

I love that God gives me work…he has brought all of this about. I love when he gives me divine inspiration in particular people and projects. I CRAVE that. I know I am right where I am supposed to be. I love the people I work for and with. I love my happy place ( studio). I love challenging myself..and seeing things nobody else can see. I love when I am pushed out of my box …and it turns out fabulous. I have never had a profession before where all of these things happened. I am moved all the time. I am surprised all the time….I am amazed frequently. These are all good things that keep me going. I also have struggles..no doubt. As with all good things.  I don’t ever want to not be amazed!

So I wonder if ambition gets in my way because of my work ethic and my love of my specific work? I keep wondering about this. But I have to say I have been taking more time off…more days off as well. I am still selfish with my time. So I wonder if anyone else has been through this? Is this just growth on my part? Am I growing again? Sometimes I have to have one of those moments when it just happens before I can believe it.

Well today is our church BBQ ..we have it once a month. It will be fun. Clarissa made 2 dozen cupcakes. I made potato salad and pumpkin bars. We always have a great time…and it is a function I have actually committed to….it’s once a month…I think I can make it.

:)

Have a blessed day!