Happy Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s day…..I admittedly have a hard time with Mother’s day. I don’t look forward to this one day every year. I no longer have expectations of what it should be for myself. I don’t expect my family to go all out and make me feel *special* on this day. I don’t know that I ever really did? (maybe so and I have blocked it out). I think you set yourself up for failure when you do that….if we have done something special on this day it’s because I have planned it myself…and that’s ok…because I think (probably…maybe) I am a control freak and I need to know what is going on..( I don’t think I like surprises…when I was a kid I had never experienced a “Good” surprise..other than Christmas morning.) …I also think that I didn’t become a Mother because I wanted to feel special one day a year.  I don’t believe It’s part of the package…….I gain more from them everyday..whether it’s a good or bad day with my kids..that the one silly day probably doesn’t matter.

I also struggle with Mother’s day probably because I am not self focused ( as most women aren’t) and focusing on myself..doesn’t seem right……but I also don’t have a Mother to celebrate. I don’t have a  relationship with my mother. It’s not an anger thing…it’s nothing thing. When you are indifferent …..and realize that you were an unwanted child….and you deal with that loss. So I realized a few years ago, I would rather give of myself.. when you don’t have someone to give that honor too..or celebrate it makes this day…..well …less.  Less than it should be. I will have to wait quite a few years to celebrate generations of mothers getting together and seeing the positive impact they have had on eachothers lives…God willing..I will celebrate with my children and their children so I can finally celebrate.

But what I realized this morning is that I am so judgemental of BAD mothers. I can forgive just about anything..any hurt in my life….I have even forgiven my abusers & mother. But I struggle with those moms you see on the street yelling at their kids…or the ones you know are neglecting their kids..sending them  ( to my house) anywhere away from them…so they can indulge in whatever they feel will make them feel better. I need to let that go and love them. I judge them because there is this deep seeded fear within myself that I am just like them. There I said it. It’s an irrational fear right? I mean I am involved in my kids lives..it’s all consuming for me….I try really hard to be an overachiever especially when it comes to being a mom. The problem with this job is that you can never be perfect. You can never get 100%. There is no black and white instruction book. So I keep score within myself…{that is never a good thing} I even recognize traits within myself that are like my own mother. I can’t believe that I don’t. There is nobody 100% bad. I have to embrace those things and use them for good. Even if my Mother was a bad mother…that doesn’t mean I will be..or am. I have had some really BAD moments..yes..believe me my kids remind me of them….even if I didn’t keep track myself (to beat myself up) they would remind me. It’s kind of like dieting..we can’t go “Cold Turkey” you always have to eat so you have to manage your food …..same with parenting..once you become a parent..you are in no matter what..it’s an exclusive club that you can never leave. Take it good or bad it there…..like breathing.  The really great thing about being a mom? It’s never to late. It’s never to late to change. No matter how old your kid is…….you can be the mom you should be..the mom God called us to be. Someday I have to go before God and be judged for what kind of mother I was. Afterall he loves his {my} children more than me…he loaned them to me….All I will be able to say is that I did my best…and I hope I was a good and faithful servant. Each of my children will have their own “truths” about how they were raised…those are already becoming apparent in these teen years…and all I can do is love them through it until they become parents. Then they will understand the strength, stamina,Faith & Love that is takes to be a parent. Not one of us can do it alone…We need God to be successful parents.

So many times I confess of my sins to my kids. many times it doesn’t involve them. I just want them to know..I don’t have it together. we all struggle all the time..every minute. Some of my kids understand…already. They can take my “confessions” and apply it to situations in the own lives. Others  take it in one ear and out the other. Its’ amazing to see either way. I already know which of my children will have a harder road ahead of them….it makes my heart break…but that is their cross to carry…..I can’t do it for them.

This doesn’t seem like a very HAPPY Mothers day does it?

LOL

Well you know …I just have to be honest.

I am very happy to be a mom…I have learned more about myself than I ever would have had I not been a mom. I also understand the sacrifice of Jesus much more now that I am a parent than I did when I was younger….Why…because as a Mom I would do anything ..sacrifice my own life for my child…and to think that God thought I was worthy enough to let his own son be killed…well this is really a day to honor my faithful Father.  I understand a fraction of his pain…{because I can’t possibly understand as much as him}. I can’t pretend to understand why he trusted me with 6 beautiful babies..his children….when half the time I don’t feel competent to care for them. I can’t pretend that I do this all on my own. So I am HAPPY. Happy to have a faithful father..who makes me worthy. I am happy that I get this opportunity. I am happy that I have these struggles…(even though my behind & muffin top shows it all..they are delirious!)….because it makes the good times so worth it. I am happy because God wants me….I am no longer an unwanted child. I belong to him.

Happy Mothers Day!