Thursday Before Good Friday

I know it’s supposed to be “good” but to think of all He suffered for that good….well it really makes my heart hurt. What a sacrifice. I am very thankful for Jesus. I know that he did what he was supposed to..and I strive to be like him more and more….it’s always a struggle. Last Sunday’s sermon was about stepping out in Faith. We are studying Matthew and we focused on the stories of the Blind men, the girl Jesus raised from the dead and also the bleeding woman.

I know we have all studied these before. I know I have talked about stepping out in faith. Many times. My whole business was a step out in faith { I have shared that story many times}. Starting my business was an intentional step in faith. But I was thinking about all of the times that I made hard choices …stepping out in faith on not really accepting it as a faith step…if that makes sense?  I find it odd now that stepping into my marriage wasn’t as stressful as starting my own business. I think, I also stressed more about buying a car and having a car payment then jumping into marriage with Rob. Doesn’t that seem strange? Well if I think about my background it doesn’t.

See my mother conditioned me. She conditioned me to believe all the wrong things. She told me I could never make money creating art. She conditioned me to believe I wasn’t good enough. She also didn’t help me build confidence in any of my abilities. I just have to say that I don’t think she purposefully made these choices…I think she just didn’t get it herself. I also believe that my mother conditioned me to think a man was the only way I could have success. My mother had a philosophy that “Any man is better than no man” So all of us kids were subjected to every type of abuse and wrong way of thinking. Our parents were drug dealers, racists and uneducated. So do I think they set out to create us a specific way? No. I think they just did what they thought was OK…and what they didn’t think was OK they justified to themselves in some defunct way. I think they didn’t think….they just did. There was no purposeful act of “If we do this…..we will get this result.”  It is what it is.  I remember from a young age not ever wanting to do drugs…I hated that my parents were racist..and used derogatory terms. It just killed everything in me. I remember having a crush on LL cool J as a 6th grader and I could never say that out loud because I would have been ridiculed by my parents. I remember a young black boy really wanted to”go out” with me in school and as much as I liked him ..I knew that I couldn’t or I would really be putting his life in jeopardy with my family. ( I really felt that way). I have not raised my children that way…and I have to admit that most of the TV guys I have a crush on are black guys….LL Cool J still being high on the list. ( just ask on my friends)

So when I think about how not wanting or even being able to walk down the isle of my first marriage…and knowing I shouldn’t marry Landon….he had to talk me into setting a date and following through..I didn’t trust myself enough to think I shouldn’t follow through. I thought I was supposed to take this next step. That’s what I was told. So I followed what I thought I was supposed to do. Kind of blind faith …but hopeful that it would last despite the problems we had.

So when I think about how Rob was pushing for marriage immediately after we started dating…I wasn’t sure I wanted to marry him either. But they were both a step in faith. You never know where your marriages will end up? I was worried because I had already been through a divorce and I really didn’t want to put myself or my kids through anything like that ever again.

Looking at my own experience…Landon and I were young in love teenagers and thought we could grow and have this fairytale life. We dated and had a true love story that we thought we could share with our grand kids.Obviously not.

With Rob we immediately had LOTS of stress ->a blended family with the “extra” parents and all the baggage that comes with that.   Rob and I had the statistics far from our favor. But he was {so} willing to step out in faith…much more than I was willing. I made a mistake and got “knocked up” with our precious princess, Clarissa. So I felt trapped. I know the odds were stacked and I just wanted to give it my best shot. I felt like even though I had screwed up and went against what I believed I should do…God still blessed me and there was a reason I was going to be tied to this man forever.  On the opposite end of the spectrum…Rob was excited to find out we were having a baby.

So I had both success and failure. Rob and my story is not over..but I honestly think as far as our family is concerned we are in the thick of parenting and we are stronger than we have ever been… I could also maybe deem my first marriage a success even though we are divorced just because I learned a lot from it and it has shaped who I am. Nobody knows what will happen from day to day. We just have to step out in faith and know that HIS plans are much greater than our own. I just know I prayed and prayed for my first marriage to workout and that God would change us both so we could come together and be a family.   While that was happening Rob was Praying to God to bring him someone special that would be his mate…So God was preparing us both and I know our relationship is divine..or we couldn’t have made it this far. I am not sure if it’s considered blind faith if it’s unconscious?

Stepping out in Faith

I am getting a big lesson on this in a few short months. I have no choice. I will be stepping out in Faith that someone other than myself will be able to take care of my child. She will have to do a bit on her own….and that is so difficult for me. I will have to know that God will ease my heart and comfort me in these times. I know i need to be strong and know that he loves her more than me. After all he has taken care of me…

Stepping out in Faith

I think Stepping out in Faith is just a measure of your relationship with God. Do we believe he has our best interest at heart? Do we believe he is everything?  How much do we want to give him? That is how we measure our faith.

I think it doesn’t matter how you do it…I think it just matters that you do it. We are so quick to put our faith in so many other things. Our jobs, money, the stock market, our car…..I mean in all of these things we have certain expectations. All fo these expectations take a measure of faith. I expect that my car will start tomorrow and take me where I need to go…isn’t that faith?

The problem with trusting God and putting our Faith in him is that we don’t ever know what the outcome will be…I don’t know that I will get where I think I want to go..I just know I am going…then he takes me where he wants me. I have to admit that sometimes that destination is not where I want to be….but once I am there I know it’s where I am supposed to be.

So I just wanted to share a bit…when I hear a sermon i always feel the need to apply it to my own life and look at what I have been through…where I struggle…what I do ok …and how far I have come…it’s really a good thing. I give God all the glory! He has given me the greatest gift!

I hope you all find the strength within yourselves to step out in Faith. The best rewards are there..when/if you do.