I am 43 Today

Today is my 43rd birthday.

I kind of forget when my birthday is. I don’t really think about it a whole lot, or my age. I had to do the math to tell you how old I am. haha.

I think about my birthday because it’s a few days after my husband and one of my sons and that’s my reference. I think, if it wasn’t near anyone else’s I probably would forget.

I don’t care about how old I am really. I know people around me kind of freak out that they are this age or that. I welcome all of the ages. The closer I come to getting to Jesus. That’s what I always say. hehe.

I am not sure if this is because of my age? or if it’s because ( ironically enough) I am not a person who likes to draw attention to myself. I didn’t want a big wedding. I have not ever really celebrated a lot of miles stones in my life. When I graduated from college, I didn’t go to graduation. I just wanted the diploma. I am sure there is some underlying psychological reason for this….but it doesn’t matter. I haven’t regretted not doing one of those things.

When my friends were turning 40..they all had these grand parties. I was so happy to share that with them. help them, be there, celebrate them. I am the youngest of my friend group. So when it was my turn to pick a theme and have a party they would have given me the moon. I was procrastinating until one day I just had a break down while jogging. I was crying. I was so paralyzed, I couldn’t pick a theme or a venue. How crazy is that? I asked if we could just wait until the winter and book a house in my favorite German town, go cross country skiiing with just the 5 of us. I would much rather connect with my besties and have relaxing girl time. Not the big party. That would just give me anxiety.  So that is what we did. I am so thankful for that time. I will always remember it fondly. My bestie also made sure I didn’t cook, clean or buy anything…LOL. I honestly wouldn’t have minded…but she refused to let that happen. haha.

This year I am faced with having to deal with lots of things pushing me out of my comfort zone. Some of those are putting myself “out there.”

That’s uncomfortable. I find it so much easier to write my feelings down and process them as I go. I hate being “on the spot”

I could go on and on with all of the vulnerabilities and reasons why I don’t want to do that…but the fact of the matter is that we are now in an age of video calls and every body needs videos for everything. It’s not so easy to just work and produce a great product. It’s kind of crazy, right? I kind of got comfortable working from home in my leggings and not wearing makeup. Now I wonder if I am supposed to get dressed for video calls? what is the protocol?

Not only that, when I see myself on camera, I see the 43 years. Let’s be honest…I think, I have lived a few lives in my 43 years. I see 83 years. It’s all in my eyes.

But as much as I hate putting myself out there….do you know the part I love the most (besides creating, that is)? People.

I love to inspire people. I love to meet people. I love teaching people.  I love to hear their stories. What gives them purpose. What makes someone tick. I love when someone feels good after their interaction with me. So I have to be real….and connect. That means being authentic, vulnerable and myself. So I am making myself rise to these challenges. As uncomfortable as it is. I feel like there is a bigger purpose for my interactions no matter what the reason is.

This year has been especially difficult for all of us. It’s made me want to book another walking trip in some country….just to meet up with strangers from other places…and hear their stories, what this year has been like for them and hear what we all have in common. I just want to feel freedom. Open pastures, long roads to something I have not seen before with fresh eyes, new stories and experiences. My heart is craving something like that.

When you get to your 40’s ( at least for me) a switch goes off and I feel like my time is getting short and I don’t want to waste 5 minutes on fake. I can never get that 5 minutes back. So I don’t want to waste my time ..not even 5 minutes on someone who is not authentic. Why? I can’t even in the grocery store. I see those people and I just wave and move on. I can’t suffer through that 5 minutes. My tolerance level is at zero. Something happened in that switch. I mean, I think it has been coming on for quite some time….but now it’s full on. I still kind of struggle with the internal dialogue that asks “Is that mean?” …”Is that showing kindness?” But I feel like it’s actually mean to be superficial. So I push that talk away.

You know what else has happened in my 40’s? I don’t care what anyone else is doing. I think it’s funny because sometimes someone will ask me something about someone and I have zero clue. I don’t ask questions. I don’t even know who movie stars are. I open the MSN page and see all of these pages and gossip columns….I have no idea who any of these people are and I don’t care. I don’t care who is dating who…who cheated on who ect. Why is that garbage important? I have no idea.

In the last year or 2 I have gotten a lot of great opportunities. I have received a ton of rejections. I have been snubbed by the mean girls ( it’s so ridiculous) ….You know what I hate about the mean girls? I hate that they are still around in my 40’s. WTH? why?  I have learned a lot about business, patience, life, pandemics, politics, religion, people, and technology. I have experienced love, loss and massive amounts of changes. Changes that were life altering and difficult to accept. I have learned that some things aren’t as they seem. That’s hard for a person like me who is pretty black and white. I have learned that simple things make me the happiest. I have learned that life always changes. I have learned that I will never resolve some things. I will never know the answers to some questions. I have learned that good friends are gold. I have learned that miracles happen everyday. I have learned that God will always have surprises for me. I have learned that brothers are the best.  I am learning how to be a mom to adults. That is a long transition and adjustment for me. I am so thankful for them. I have learned that sometimes I don’t have to accept the garbage that is handed to me. I can still say no. I have learned that I will always be learning. So here is to 7 more years in my 40’s. I am anxious to see what else I will learn in this decade of my life.

I wonder if I am going to be the old lady in the nursing home that just spouts off stuff and doesn’t give a rip what anyone says? Or will I be nice and sewing to keep myself busy? LOL Maybe both.

I am hoping for good things. I will always be thankful -> no matter what. Good times or bad.

43 years ago I was supposed to be aborted but welfare wouldn’t pay for it. I am thankful for that system. I will make sure I do good things. I won’t waste an opportunity. I will be thankful for all of my time. No matter how much time that I have. I will be aware of my lessons, blessings and opportunities. There is a reason that I am here. I know that. So here is to 43! I am thankful to be 43. Everyday is a gift to me. Maybe that’s why I don’t care how old I am? Maybe that’s why I don’t care about the date of my birth?

I hope you all have a wonderful day.  Celebrate today. It’s a gift.

C