Grieving

I am grieving.

As much as I don’t want this to take up much space in my blog…currently it’s taking up to much space in my head.

The story gets worse. I am trying not to watch the news or read reports today. I don’t want my life to revolve around the latest updates. Yesterday was a good day until the 11:00 news last night. My brother was also involved. If the reports are right…he introduced a blow torch as a form of torture. I know the investigation isn’t over….I know all the charges have not been brought out. But honestly if my sister is only charged with second degree kidnapping..because she has a prior record that means only 12-14 months in prison. That doesn’t seem like enough time. I am praying they add more charges.  If a burglary happens..the guy driving the get away car is charged with the same crime as the guy that pulled the gun and went into the store….right? I think it should be the same here!  Do you know if a person rapes an animal they get more time than if they rape a child? None of it is OK…..but a child is kidnapped, raped and tortured and they could just get a year in prison? I am bewildered.  ANGRY! Mad! And I want justice for this poor girl.

Clearly she has her own set of issues….if she is involved in drugs at 16. But I pray this draws her close to God and she gets out rather than dwelling further.I hope she can heal..I know the only way she can is through Jesus.

Then I go into a wave of grief. I tried to protect those two kids. I helped raise them..being the oldest. I am just sorry.

Then the devil gets in my head and says…..you aren’t worthy. You didn’t do a good enough job. You didn’t help them. You didn’t do this or that.

Then I want to turn on everything in me. I am ashamed of who I am. What they have become…and think to myself “that is me”. This is who I am. I have this running through my veins. How long before I act like them if they live in me? Maybe I shouldn’t have bred this kind of evil. Maybe I am not even fit to be a mother myself….how could I pass this on?

Why does he get space in my head? How does the devil do this?

I AM NOT THEM!

JESUS LIVES IN ME!

GOD SAVED ME!

I have to keep chanting this to myself to rebuke the enemy.

I woke my husband up in the middle of the night. I feel sorry for him. He is speechless. He doesn’t know what to do. or what to say. He has to work long hours ..and I needed his comfort & was selfish cause I needed him. He provided that comfort to me. He does just what I need. I am thankful.

I am beating myself up for grieving. I walked away. I RAN away. I got away. Why is this affecting me? Why can’t I let it go? Why did they do this? then all of the other hows, wheres, whens…it’s really endless.

I don’t want evil to come upon any of them. I want them to try on Jesus! I want them to die to themselves and pick up their cross. I am grieving for their lost souls. I am grieving for their pain. I am grieving for my lost family. That next nail in the coffin that confirms I won’t ever have a relationship that I would love to have with them. I want a healthy loving relationship….and I will never get it from them…..

But God has provided me with many friends &  HIS family. He thinks I am worthy. He has carried me, delivered me and stays within me. I do feel really vulnerable right now. I just want to give up…..I feel weak. But where I am weak he is strong. I feel like I can’t concentrate, my voice is weak…..and I can’t collect my thoughts. I need peace, strength and protection. Please pray for me..I think it’s the only thing keeping me going.

Your friend.

C