First Day with {only} 5 Children

LOL! Am I a little dramatic?

Jeri left last night and what did she do after Rob dropped her off? Spent the night with her boyfriend. My Brother in Law set a notification on his phone for 9 months from yesterday ….hilarious but sad. Rob said she probably conceived last night as well.

I can tell you ….I didn’t sleep a wink last night…{ok maybe a wink ..but I was up quite a bit.} I keep giving my grief to God but I keep taking it back. I know, I need to let go….and I know he knows what is best. I am not acting out of my helplessness or loss of control. I am in a funk and hardly productive. But I knew this would happen whether it was a happy or sad time. I know it won’t last long and I need to grieve. I kept her pure until the end. I got her graduated. She didn’t ever do drugs or engage in criminal activity while at home.   I did my part. I think when God looks down on me and asks…I can say in this case I was a “Good and faithful servant”.

She left without saying good-bye. NO attachments. So I am not shocked. That’s the way they are.

Yesterday, I thought about some things coming full circle…yet again. My mother operates on a level of a 12-13 year old and she can’t attach properly to people. There has been no steady relationships in her whole life. Honestly, not one friend, not one family member or one of her children. God entrusted me with a child who is just like my mother..why? Because he knew I could handle it. He knew I could provide her a stable life and get her to her adult hood without incident. I was kind of laughing through the pain yesterday talking with my husband and BIL …I would think it was me and that I was the problem if it weren’t for all the other relationships in my life.  God took care of that too. He’s good like that. They both have so many commonalities it’s spooky considering there is no blood relation. I could make a whole list …but not helpful to anyone. I always dreamed that when my kids grew up I could have a relationship with them …that I don’t have with mine. I knew because of Jeri’s RAD it wouldn’t be possible with her. So I get to pray for the boys to find nice spouses and for Clarissa to grow up and be normal. LOL. I wonder if that is asking to much from my blood line? CRAZY runs through it.

But Rob feels so slighted…he has to try and make her make amends with me. He can’t stand for anyone to treat me badly….he would gladly take the heat any time, any where. So he wants her to apologize and say Good-bye. I don’t want to listen it..I will hear it because that is the proper and right thing to do…but I am so tired of all the falseness. It’s a formality that she doesn’t mean. So why waste my time..I can’t ever get it back? I wonder if it’s heartless to say “PLease think about what you are going to say” {before she starts}….and to say ” I don’t need an apology..I need you to live a good and wholesome life, make good choices for yourself and get your FREE education” That will be the only apology I can accept. It’s unrealistic…obviously. So I have to go through the formality of listening to her to please my husband and make her feel like she can manipulate even further. Clearly…..she made bad choices the minute she left home. So it’s all useless and fake. Rob has a hard time understanding the fact that she can’t attach and she can’t learn like normal people.  So I will go through the motions today. {again}

I also realized something else….the reason my mother can just act like my brother & I  don’t exist is because every time she sees us…she sees her faults and the damage she has caused. We are a constant reminder of her mistakes.  That was a break through. I am kind of shocked that I just came to that realization. This is why she can wipe  out all of our gifts and take our pictures out of the house. Jeri is the same way..she can’t face when she has made a mistake… so if I hold her accountable I am the mortal enemy and she can’t face me.  She can easily discard me because nobody likes to see their own faults. That makes it not so personal for me. Despite the sorrow and pain I feel in all of this…I am learning. So it’s a good thing.

Everything I can do to make it so I can understand none of this is my fault…it’s not personal and I couldn’t have done anything else. It’s all about living a right way…right is a blurry line …I get it. But trying to forge a new path in foreign territory is difficult but rewarding in many ways.

I don’t want to be sad..and bring you all down…LOL. I am just going through a lot lately…and everything seems to be on the surface. All this meshing of “sickness”….Satan is working double time in my life right now…but I am trying to be Jesus in the desert..that’s my mantra today.