Today I am still recovering from yesterday. I slept a good portion of the day….as much as I tried to do stuff in studio and around the house….I coudln’t keep focused..so I rested. Today is a new day..a bit better but still not 100%. That’s OK. I can only do what I can do.
But I have been thinking alot. (scary)
Today I woke up….and started watching TV. Saw that there is a storm coming upon Jamaica and could possibly go towards Haiti. I became scared. I am still getting that homesick feeling(more like being a baby…..this is odd for me). I have been leaving town and getting away from my family…which is always where my fleshy heart is…..and the possibilities of what could happen are running through my head. Who is the author of fear? YEs…he has invaded my head. I immediatly started thinking “what am I doing?”…”why am I so crazy?” and I have to calm myself down. I have to pray for God to ease my fears and tell me everything is as it is supposed to be. Then I question God.
Why? How? When?
You know all the normal reactions when you are going through something. I know there is a reason. A purpose. I don’t need to know exactly what or who for…but I just know.
I have been a bit emotional…probably just not feeling well…and lots going on. I need to rest my mind. I know what I need to do. But I have to just count my blessings before leaving on this adventure. I just want to share with you my process…..I think it would not be normal for there not to be a run of emotions when you go on a mission…..because I am treading on territory of the heart. Heart issues are much more scary than vacations. So this is how I processed these questions in my mind..I know it maybe sound like a lot…but it’s the iternal dialogue I am trying to change within my head so I can grow up.
1. How? It was paid for by quilting. Between the donations from all of you…and my auction/raffle/sale items. Quilting….who would have thought? I have testimony of this trip even before embarking on this adventure. I could shed 1000 tears (probably did) from the lovely cards and donations that came in…..all the love that surrounds me everyday even if I am not physically aware. AMAZING!
I had questioned how was I going to afford this? How was it going to happen? It all happened in unexpected ways. Expect the unexpected right?
2. My Worth. Why was I worthy of being a missionary?
Worth. Worth. NO matter where we come from or where we have been our worth is always at the root of everything. Who defines my worth? God….he created me. I am that unwanted child…..the one that was abused, hated and unworthy of her parent’s love. The one that will never measure up. The Star Chart Kid..who likes to guage her life in her accomplishments. But her accomplishments are still never enough…..yes….I am (was) that girl.
In the last 3-4 years this girl is growing up. It’s amazing to see and feel honestly. I am learning to say “no” ( still probably not as much as I should). I know God loves me..he created me and thinks I am worthy. I know God makes me beautiful even when the world tells me I am not. I trust. The paths that take deep root in our minds are hard to change…but when you trust God…the paths seems to dissapear. It’s amazing how that happens. I gave testimony at church twice this last month…..why because God qualified me! He gives me all the tools to turn it around. Sometimes I have wondered ”how stable would I have been had I grown up in a normal home?” But I can’t think that…because plenty of people who grow up in a normal homes aren’t stable…all that abuse refined me. I have clarity because of it and I am accepted and loved despite it. It’s amazing to say and believe that! The pieces of the puzzle just keep coming together.
So am I worthy of going on a mission and helping others when I myself am not perfect? of course! If I am worthy of love and acceptance..I can certainly share that and spread the wealth. God paved the way for me. Who understands the forgotten and unloveable more than someone like me? God……he places all the right people along the way. Always.
3. Where is my heart? Where does my heart lie?
I could give into the fear, the dislike of travel, the homesickness..the fear of leaving my family. Where does my heart lie…with God or the devil? Why should I give into fear? How many times have I given into fear? and for which results? They are never the ones that shape me in the way I am supposed to go ( or they do …but it’s the long way to lesson I should have taken in the first place). We all have. So my heart lies with God. He will give me all the tools..in fact he probably already has. I will go to the ends of the Earth for Him…just as he has for me. There are to many arrows that have pointed me here for me to think I am not supposed to go. Just as a drastic kind of childhood has refined me…I think it’s just my personality….clearly. I have to take drastic measures to find clarity. I have to fly across the world….give myself completely to God and my surroundings and be a vessel. I have to let the love flow and be open to my growth lessons. I can do that. No fear! If I decided not to go based on fear than I would have a regret…no regrets. Live fully and purposefully.
Above all else I am just amazed at my growth…and excited to see how God will continue to transform my heart and take me to my fullest potential….ideally without me kicking and screaming the whole way because I doubt myself. It is a new phase in my life. I am learning that when I doubt myself so much…and when I make choices for myself out of fear..I am truly doubting God because he doesn’t place you in position to scare you…but to rely on him and he will take you to the highest of your abilities. It’s pretty amazing. God always has a bigger dream for me than I have for myself.
So I am facing my fear …head on…..I won’t give in. I will pack a few items today to prepare my vessel.
I hope you all don’t see me as a crazy person…and that a small part of you can identify with me…..it’ makes teh journey so much better.