Today is my 40th Birthday

I am 40 years old. Today. 40. How is this possible?

Some days I feel like I am 80…..other days I feel like I am still 20 and I have so much to learn.

a few weeks ago I was contemplating this date and I asked my Fb friends ( who are 40 & over) what advice they would give to myself or themselves at 40….

Most of them said to live each day to it’s fullest because each day is a gift.  Not everybody gets to grow old.

Is 40 old? What age is considered old? my grandmother is in her late 70’s and she still thinks she not old. She is in assisted living now, she is the youngest person there and she complains about all of the “old” people in the “home” …lol. So I am not sure I will probably ever truly feel old….that is just a mindset correct?

I am truly thankful for every single day of my life. The life I created for myself. I get full credit …well God gets the full credit…but I get credit for opening myself up to receive the life he had in store for me.  I think about this every-single-day. I live in gratitude. I know what it’s like to live a completely different life and I vowed to get away from it. Now saying that….do I live each day to it’s fullest? I watched a few programs on death recently…. ( talk shows) and we all hear how when people are facing death they think about how they worked too much, didn’t spend enough time with their loved ones ect. I immediately thought ….I am guilty of that. I am guilty of working too much, stressing to  much about housework and laundry.  Balancing everyday things in life. But how can I change that? I don’t know. But I find comfort in that as well…I am “normal”…..All I have ever wanted to be was normal. So here I am…..in all my normalness.

I am the last of my close friends to turn 40. Most of my friends had these BIG parties and they were themed, and fun and crazy …and suited them perfectly. I have been wracking my brain to figure out my theme…my big plans ect. I have had a particularly tough year. I had a break down a  few months ago and I didn’t tell many. I won’t go into the details of everything. I have never had a breakdown before…I was out of my mind for 3 days. it broke me down for several weeks because I felt I couldn’t trust myself. Thankfully I have a good therapist who helped bring me back.  But after all of this happened I was jogging one morning and the thought of my birthday came up and I just started crying. What should be this joyous event for me to plan and think about—> I got anxiety.  I had to process why.

I grew up white trash. I had a fancy name….that nobody would forget. I have always wanted to blend into the wallpaper because I just wanted to stay under the radar. Having attention like that is very stressful for me. When I think about public speaking I get anxious…I want to back out….I rip myself to shreds mentally and I freeze or panic. ( I will still force myself to do it because I can’t live in fear) I have never had a big wedding because I didn’t want all of the attention..it seems like so much… I hate weddings …like all weddings. I think my mom was married too many times and it just represents failure to me…and I get anxious. So having a big party to celebrate me….even though it’s for the best of reasons….with good intentions–> gives me crazy anxiety and if I am going to actually enjoy myself this doesn’t seem like the appropriate thing for me. I have found that If I am speaking publicly about quilting ( because I am passionate about it and comfortable with what I know) I am fine. But to have the focus be on me…..I would rather not. So I called my bestie and told her I would rather just have a small gathering with our close girl friends and go to my most favorite city on Earth….Leavenworth, WA. I am in love with that little German town. I would prefer to go in the winter because I love it there in the winter…in fact I love the snow and winter. So I will be 40.5 when I actually celebrate…but I will appreciate and love that time with my soul friends.

Part of being 40 is knowing what I do or don’t want. Being 40 is coming into who I am and asking for what I want. 40 means that I get to blend in the wallpaper if I want too. 40 means I get to focus on what makes me happy. I am not a selfish person by any means …but I have more adult children than not….and as each child leaves I have to figure out how to fill the void in my heart, home and life. I want to keep growing, learning and changing.

So what do I want my 40’s to look like? I want them to be peaceful. I want them to be happy. I want to continue building my faith. I want to let go of some of the expectations in my mind..so I can free myself and my children of the burdens I place. I hope that I continue on my fitness journey. I have maintained. The gift to myself ( & from my friends)  for 40th ( well apparently I am difficult to shop for…because my needs are few and I guess I just buy what I need/want…so my loved ones keep telling me I am difficult to shop for…I think I am easy to shop for) is an apple watch. My friends are taking up a collection to pitch in for my new watch.  It’s amazing and it tracks fitness ect so it just seemed appropriate for this stage in my life.

I have also discovered just in time for my 40th birthday that I am lactose intolerant. It’s been ok. giving up all dairy. but it’s better for everyone around me. trust me.

It seems that 40 must mean a lot. I am sure writing a lot about it….I am halfway through my life. midlife. I think I must have had a crisis a few months ago…lol. not really. but escaping to England for a time to walk it out and pray it out…was good for me. what does it feel like to be middle aged? It feels like I have so much more to learn. I feel a bit of anxiety wondering if I am on track. Am I opening myself up to receive the life and lessons that I need?

So here’s to 40.

What are the things I know for sure at 40:

  1. God is real
  2. love never runs out
  3. it’s never too late
  4. time doesn’t heal all wounds
  5. having adult children is the hardest thing in my life
  6. If I am learning, I am growing
  7. it’s best to always take that leap of faith
  8. you can’t ever have too much education
  9. never give up
  10. live in gratitude
  11. there are blessings in each day
  12. change in never ending
  13. nothing is ever resolved
  14. my weight is a constant struggle every single day of my life–> life doesn’t have to revolve around food
  15. work in your passion
  16. my friends have saved my life
  17. don’t waste time on people who don’t care about you
  18. communication is key
  19. I will always be a flawed person, I will never be perfect and that is OK.
  20. Don’t put up walls—> be vulnerable
  21. it’s best to plant roots every where you live
  22. Love from animals is pure
  23. life is full of surprises
  24. Everyday is best if you enjoy the mundane
  25. the universe isn’t against anyone
  26. my brain is usually full of rainbows and unicorns….I have to reel myself in occasionally
  27. being a mom has been the most rewarding and painful part of my life
  28. most pain causes growth
  29. I will never be able to give up chocolate
  30. I need Rob more than I think I need him
  31. There are no coincidences
  32. Hard work and dedication trumps talent
  33. being nice to people doesn’t cost anything
  34. I can’t be fake
  35. sleep is important
  36. glitter makes me happy
  37. pink goes with everything
  38. family is not blood. Family is who you choose to be your family
  39. If you do A+B you don’t always get the result of C in life
  40. never live in fear–fearless at 40!

What advice do you have for me? what do you know for sure?

Thanks for letting me share. Thanks for celebrating with me……I am thankful for all of you. You all bless me in little ways every day.

xoxoxo

Charisma

 

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “Today is my 40th Birthday

  1. Oh, Charisma! I sure do wish you a HAPPY Birthday! Sharing your background, thoughts and anxieties with us is hopefully helping you to gradually become free of them. Look inside yourself and discover all that is GOOD – focus on that. When I first heard of you it was through your posts on the Quilters Message Board ( I think I have the name right). As a new quilter I was blown away by your prolific and outstanding quilting. That was years ago. You have lots and lots of talent and creativity. Celebrate who you ARE, not your past troubles. Easier said than done, I know that. Accept who you are. I just hit 70 and am amazed to think about that! My mind and spirit are still young – it’s just some of my joints that aren’t LOL.

  2. Happy Birthday! My next birthday will be my 70th so 40 sounds wonderful to me. The one thing everyone should know is that age is a number; it’s not a limitation on living the best life you can and having the best day you can have and everyday being grateful all along the way for what you have an not fretting over what you don’t have. Seek God’s guidance and follow His lead and all will be well. Many blessing to you on this special day of yours.

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