I know several of you moms of sons will relate to this. I have 4 teenage sons. Girls are talked about quite frequently around here. I raised 1 daughter who didn’t make a good choice for a partner…..and even my boys recognize that. Simple things about how he doesn’t make big efforts like getting a job to support himself much less her. How when he comes here ( even though they aren’t welcome until she apologizes & quits lying) he doesn’t carry the heavy boxes or make an effort to help her with anything. He doesn’t open her doors….I notice it-> but I don’t say anything out loud to them. My son Carl actually asked her one day as he decided to help her..why isn’t your boyfriend doing this? instead of sitting in the car. I have to say I was proud of him for that. He knows what it is like to be a gentleman. A few things have been absorbed with my sons and they at least know how they are supposed to treat women.
But as time goes on and they are in more important relationships other talks come up. I want to get this down so that I can refer back to it later or remind them. I know every game, manipulation, insecurity ect. I had to learn how to be a strong, capable, secure woman and some days that’s even a stretch…:) I can see things in people that they can’t….and I so want to derail some trains…that I can’t. So I need to get this all out for my own sanity.
For my sons,
Who you choose in a relationship will have a lasting impression on your life. No matter how fleeting the relationship…no matter how long the relationship. These relationships are in your formative years..they teach what you do or do not want in a life partner. They teach you how to handle conflict. They teach you how to compromise. They teach you how to be gentleman. How to be selfless. Everything that is happening to you is also happening to the other person. Please don’t take advantage of or let anyone take advantage of you. You are a precious gift from God to the world. Please honor that by leaving a positive lasting impression on anyone & everyone, especially loved ones.
It is not exactly true that opposites attract. Those are outward facts. What is true is that like attracts like…..in all of the important things. If you are insecure you will attract insecure. If a girl is insecure she can’t really & truly love you…..it’s not possible. She can’t trust herself to know what love is because she doesn’t love herself to know how true love really feels. True love doesn’t want revenge or to get even…true love means sacrificing yourself in a healthy way to serve your partner. None of this will make sense to you now. I so wish you could hear me or understand this.It will save you so much heart ache.
I want you to know that as a man you need to help make your partner secure. Not by playing the games. Girls are great at creating games….they can’t help it. They don’t know how they are actually hurting themselves in the process. But you can avoid engaging in those games ( manipulations), by being a constant source of gentleness & love. You need to protect her heart and yours as well. That is what a strong man does. A strong man reveals his feelings….even if they make him feel vulnerable. A strong man doesn’t hide behind work, sports or money. A strong man reveals his heart. I promise you-> if you do this it will melt her heart and she will no longer feel the need to manipulate any situations. She will feel secure knowing where she stands with you. She will be able to function on any level of love & security.
A strong man opens doors, lift heavy packages, speaks with a nice tongue. No cussing ,spitting, or locker room talk in front of ladies. A strong man won’t hear a bad thing about his loved one nor speak of them in a harsh way. A strong man will lift up his loved one and honor her. A strong man will not take what isn’t theirs. I strong man will treasure every gift, kiss and moment. All of this is equal to respect. I promise if you do all of these things you will get all of this in return if you choose wisely. Hormones & hawt girls don’t create a great recipe for life choices ( if those are the only ingredients). Feelings are fleeting….promises are a lifetime. I promise that all of these principles will get you far in any relationship.
Please don’t settle for what is in front of you right now..in this moment…. You have a lifetime ahead of you. You need to open your heart and life to experiences beyond what you have right now. My quote for this week was “If your dreams don’t scare you …They aren’t big enough”. It’s so difficult to see at your ages that there is so much more to life than right now…the world is so BIG and scary…but it is so much more. It’s beautiful & lovely and full of experiences that will make your heart explode with gratitude, love, joy, wonder, fulfillment and excitement if you let it. Please see yourself the way I see you. Don’t I express how much I love you ? Every single day..when I hug you and (try to kiss you…hehe) tell you how much I love you ? Maybe you think I just have to say or do those things? I don’t HAVE to do those things. I WANT to do those things. I never want you to leave me even for a fraction of a second thinking that you are not the purpose of my life..that you don’t take residence in my heart every moment of every day. I love you so much I can’t help but express that to you every day. When my heart swells with pride and my eyes flood with tears because I can’t bear to think about you leaving me or hurting with a life choice you have to learn from.
Please understand that I know all of this because I have been through every thing I have shared with you. I was an insecure, unloved child that didn’t get affection or understand a healthy relationship. People have had to teach me along the way. I was blessed to have a strong man come into my life and show me what it was like to have a protector and a cheerleader. You know my husband won’t even let you (someone he loves & protects with his whole heart) utter a bad word about me. Please take note…..Please ask questions of your loved one. Don’t ever assume. Please don’t make the other person guess or assume. Be clear with expectations. Be clear with how you feel. Listen to how they feel. Let them speak…..hear them. At the heart of every single person is love-> everyone just wants & needs love. When someone is angry..what is really underneath is fear. Fear of a loss of love. If you wipe the word anger out of your vocabulary …and if you think of it as fear…the process of figuring out the other person is simple.
Don’t ever think that everything is perfect. Nothing is perfect. Don’t get lost in that thought of being “happy”. Happy is a passing moment. Happiness is not permanent. Happy is a feeling. Feelings fade with the wind. True inner Peace and Joy are everlasting. Listen to the inner voice…don’t fight it or reason with it…it’s always right. Personal experience has taught me this….always listen. If you get so far from it..you will no longer hear it and that’s a scary place to be. You will never make a truly right decision when you snuff out that voice. But if you listen and follow it..inner peace & joy naturally engulf you….it’s a miracle to be experienced every single moment of every day. That is not fleeting.
I will finish this by saying….You are handsome, loving, intelligent, young men who have so much to offer the world. Many people are blessed by you…more than you will ever know. I feel so daunted by the task of getting you ready to face the world…but mostly I feel honored. Honored to be your mom. Honored to have been a part of “creating” you with my own body.. ( inside joke..hehe). I have not taken this responsibility lightly of being the first woman you have loved or expressed or given your heart too. I take it very seriously and I want you to know how much I cherish that gift that you gave me. Please don’t give another piece of your heart away to someone who doesn’t value you. I know how precious that gift is….it makes me want to love, hug & squeeze you every minute of everyday…but I won’t because that might be weird for you. hehe. Please know that I am going to let you make these mistakes…..because I respect you. I trust you and I know you will survive. But just know that you will always have a piece of my heart with you and to at least value & protect that one piece that I leave with you-> so that you may see yourself a bit the way that I see you. Someone worthy of love and greatness.