These Last Days

Well today is the first day that I have gotten up and not been riddled with heartache and pain for my family. Honestly the last week had me consumed. All the grieving crying, anger and everything else. Tomorrow is the day that I will find out what all charges my sister is facing and I already feel let down….I am further reminded that there is no security in our system only God. I have no faith in Child protective services….and I fear my sister won’t have to do much time for what she has done…and that will not be enough for her to get clean and stay that way. Human life is not valued in our world.

I just want my family of addicts to try on Jesus. Jesus is the best drug! Once you fall in love with him you know you are loved, wanted and never alone. It hasn’t escaped me that Mother’s day is this weekend..and I am not a fan of that holiday. It never goes well. It’s a day I would rather just stay in bed and forget it exists. Even though I am a mom..all I can see are my own faults…and that I have a crappy mother. Bad outlook, I know.

I also chatted with my convict brother on FB the other day. It didn’t go so well. Rob said I didn’t act very “Christian”. UGH! Conviction! I did send him an apology the next day. I am so darn frustrated with them I can’t believe this is happening. He’s not real smart. He’s running from the police..texting everyone, chatting on FB ect. It’s all going to be evidence used against him..I was trying to get him to turn himself in and make a deal. But I know there is stuff he isn’t telling and he is just a liar. ( They all are!) Then it became a name calling fest…and not very good. I didn’t swear or anything…but I did call him an inappropriate name that applies to this situation…he didn’t take it to well. UGH! So the only light in their lives and I didn’t show it. I felt so guilty yesterday I asked God to forgive me about 100 times.

Talking with my family and all of the dysfunction of this week..it hasn’t escaped me. That people think just because you are a Christian that you are automatically a “door mat”. I have been asked…”What about forgiveness?” What about it? I have forgiven. I am allowed to love from a distance. why should I subject myself or my kids to this type of abuse and behavior? It’s amazing to me! Just because you forgive doesn’t mean you don’t get to set healthy boundaries and it certainly doesn’t mean you get to enable them or allow them to treat you anyway you want. I have forgiven them…but unless they change their behavior I don’t need to be a part of their lives. That is the problem with the world these days. every kid needs a trophy. Every body needs to be a winner. Every person get to act how they want or do what they want without consequences. That’s not the way it works. God allows us free will and he makes it so we have to pay the consequences for our actions….he gives us healthy discipline and he doesn’t expect us to keep taking heartache and abuse from people who don’t care about you. If they cared they would value you. My family doesn’t value me. I am their enemy because I don’t value what they value. Just because I don’t do what they do I have been subjected to such ridicule. I don’t ridicule them…..( in a weak moment if I am pushed..maybe) mostly I just tried to talk to them and tell them they needed to quit taking drugs…..get their lives together ect. But why should they? They have a mother who keeps telling them it’s ok to do what they do. She is afraid to be alone..so she would rather have them be this way so she can feel better?
So I have news for people…..If you are Christian…..it’s not ok to be a DOOR MAT! How is your light shining if you are constantly being oppressed by someone else’s darkness? I did everything I was supposed to do with my mother. I went to her I was honest..I set a healthy boundary. I told her if she needed me I would be there for her…and she quit talking to me. It’s been years now. SHE quit talking to me…not the other way around. All I did was demand respect and asked her to value me as a human being. She couldn’t do that…resentment of me seeps out of all of her pores. That is totally on her…not me. If she called me I would talk to her….I think she just wont like what I have to say..so she doesn’t. I am OK with that. I would rather her feel comfortable ( and myself) than for her to be in my life and we both feel uncomfortable. We as Christians are allowed to set healthy boundaries.

Just in case any of you had a question about that. LOL

I also just want to say for the people wondering…the commandment of “Thall shall honor they mother and father”

I am honoring them. I am honoring them by living a good life, by raising my kids in a better way and by letting my light shine in spite of them. You don’t have to have a relationship to honor them…you have to lead by example and live your life in a way that honors them. Just like the way we honor God. It’s all about the example.

I know some people think I am hard and bitter…from the way I talk. But I am not..it’s all about self preservation and loving myself enough to value myself even if my family doesn’t. I know God values me..he knows every hair on my head. It pains him to know that all of this is going on….and I can’t imagine what he must feel. Devastating.

I decided that today I was going to get my hair done. It’s been 9 months since I have done that. I deserve it. Its amazing how much I feel better. I decided to go all wild and crazy and put a few pink streaks in my hair. They wont last long…..but I have to say ..it’s taking a bit to get used to them.

It’s been really hot here..the grass is dried up …and I need to start planting again. I also need to get our loan paperwork done for our heat pump. Our furnace went out…so we currently have no central air. Not comfortable. What little sleep I am getting is interrupted because I am dying of heat. Then on top of that Rob’s car broke down on the way home from work last night…so that’s another bill we don’t need. I also found out my oldest isn’t engaging in very good behavior ( she’s leaving in a month….hallelujah!).. I am just about ready to have a melt down. See why I needed to get my hair done? I could forget about it for a few moments and just focus on something else.

So that has been this last week in a nutshell!

But here’s the good news!

On Sunday the 28…or whatever that date was..I was so looking forward to Monday( the day it all came crashing down) because I didn’t have any work to do. I only had two small ones to get done…and then my intake shelves were empty. That has never happened to me. Honestly I have been busy since I started quilting. Monday when I woke up I felt a heaviness on my heart. I didn’t know what it was…and I typed on my FB status..”It’s monday…enough said” I thought to myself why are you feeling this way? You get to work on your own stuff all week. Maybe write a pattern. Then the news came crashing down and I haven’t been able to focus or get anything done…God knew it was coming and he paved the way for me to have less stress…See, He has been taking care of me all along. He knew I would need a clean plate..or I would crumble. I find comfort in that.

But I have to tell you if that ever happens to me again..I will wonder what is coming. LOL!

now my shelves are full again and I am ready to get going.

So I just want you all to know I appreciate you sharing with me, loving on me, praying for me…so many of us can relate…and I am truly blessed to have you. You all really don’t knwo how much you kept me going and helped lift me up! Thanks for everything!

Blessings

C

 

 

3 thoughts on “These Last Days

  1. I, too, struggle with “honor thy father and mother” – well, I don’t so much struggle with that, as with the fact that I really don’t have much respect for mine either. And, like you, the best I can do is to be healthy & live a good clean life without ’em. I refuse(d) to be their scapegoat or the reason their lives were crappy – I’m pretty sure I never asked to be born, so why be angry at ME? (I asked them that for yeeeeears before I got up the courage to just leave (at 17)).

    You’ve got to stay strong and distant for the sake of your own kids, so please don’t waste any time or energy feeling guilty for any of that. Best thing you can do is be separated from it.

    God bless you!!

  2. Very wise words Charisma! Even Christians themselves sometimes confuse being a Christian with being a saint. Yes, we hold ourselves to a higher standard (Jesus’ standards), but we are human and therefore flawed, we mis-step now and then, we stumble and fall on occasion. And that’s okay because we are works in progress, not finished products.

    I admire and respect you and through your blog have found you to be a terrific mother, wife and friend. Chip up girl! You’re doing great!!

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