It’s the same old question…nature verses nurture? How do you know?
It’s been a heavy night…not heavy like they used to be and I am focused on different aspect which I think shows growth….
I think many of you who have been reading my blog for years..when it started on the QB…know lots about me. I have not kept secrets..maybe a few. Just because. Vulnerability but for the most part I am pretty honest. I think I felt safer, even though that blog was accessed by anyone that was willing to look for it…. I have come out with many things from my childhood without saying them blatantly because well we have a mixed crowd here….and this really needs to be a happy place. But in the grand scheme of things the reason I have friends ( in all of you) is that I have been my authentic self..the good, bad and the ugly. The reason you relate to me is because I am real and maybe a part of you feels the same way I do or you can relate to some aspect of my journey. I am not a victim…..I was a survivor and now I am a thriver …right?
Last night I had the honor to help another one of my sisters declare honesty and take leaps into the growth process. We talked and she was going to use a quilting class as her platform to tell her story ( afterall quilters are a safe group right?) and apologize for all the lies she has told over the years. The lies to protect herself from hurt and to protect people that didn’t protect her from the un-imaginable abuse ( unless you have been there). I already knew it…because we discovered early on we were sisters. we had been through that war..different times, different places but we have been there. I think my growth started early …because I adopted a child that had been through that war..and alot of self discovery happens when you try to get to the heart of any issue and you make yourself go to the deep places so you can parent in a better way. At least that is my experience…Motherhood is not something that I took lightly.
One of the commonalities that I shared with my sister(friend) is that somewhere along the way we had a family that showed us care, compassion and what a true family was. Family dinners, conversations and real life. The friend that took us in never asked questions..they just loved & cared for us. ( both of us had different friends of course…I just mean the type of friend) Isn’t that just a Jesus friend? I mean he doesn’t ask questions ( of course he already knows)….but I think it’s just a sign of having a Jesus Heart. You just love whole heartedly. I can’t imagine what my life would be like had that not happened at some point. Definitely nurture. right?
This is nothing new that I have shared…it’s just nice to hear that someone close to me has had the same experience. The other similarities…the need to accomplish things….prove our worth. Be educated. We look for anything to strive to be better because it has been a healthy coping mechanism. The only way we have what we have or got out of what we had was because we worked to get it.
I wonder if I would be such a hard worker if I didn’t have the abuse…If I didn’t have a need to run so far, would I? Now I don’t need to run…and I have learned to say “no” and realize my limits ( sometimes…probably not as much as I need to if you ask Rob)
She asked me the same question…..in the world of success she gained much more than I did……and then gave it all up because she realized it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be..money isn’t everything. I got that early on…of course we all want to be comfortable…but I think the more you have the more complicated it gets…I don’t know? I think I will never know what it feel like not to have to worry about money…so I don’t even think of it as an option to me.
She had wondered if she would be a different person. so much has to do with nature verses nurture.
Of course all of our thinking processes are different than anyone else..but we have a longer process. We always think a person’s motives are dark..that’s what we learned. Now as as adults once we get to a healthy point ..I realize that I can’t over think a nice gesture..that’s all it is…a nice gesture. There is no motive. The process our brain goes through..all those pathways…and why we do the things we do..to protect ourselves and others…dis-associate, lapse in memory, high tolerance of pain, lie to ourselves and others. ….all of these things certainly alter some things. But I think the core person is always there. I don’t think we are a blank slate. I think there are many traits and we just maybe heighten a few and repress a few. I don’t know the answers. I know God created me, he thinks I am worthy and I just have to make the best of what I have got. Their is always a reason. There is always a struggle or there is no growth. We have to expect the unexpected. There are no coincidences. I am always loved. These are my truths. These are a few of the things that I have processed. I need to let go of the why…all the answers are there…in my truths. Right? Any of those answers can answer the why. the history behind all of my truths has the answer to the why.
I need to quit wondering if I would be a different person…because I can’t change it…I don’t know that I even want to…when I do think of the reasons…it’s always because I am bitter about something..or wondering if I could be better than I am. If I had suffered less abuse would I be a better mom? If I had been encouraged more ..would I have a different career with more money..or a better house? In the grand scheme of things material things are not of value….would I want to be a better mom..of course. Who wouldn’t? No matter where you come from or how you are as a parent…most of us would do a few things differently.
So when do I quit agonizing over my flaws..and celebrate me? Who cares about what ifs? Those ruin your life and thought process. what about my success? I have a healthy thriving family. I have a house to live in……I have a Dh that adores me. I have much to be thankful for..and I wouldn’t have that if things were different. I need to nurture myself. I need to nurture the “real” me. The me That I always think doesn’t measure up because I am afraid……I am afraid that people don’t know the “real” me…like I haven’t shred my heart and soul. LOL
I said this to Rob one time..he gave me a funny look. Of anyone ..he would know the “real” me right? I mean I live with him..and I share everything. He said that I am real. I think nobody can deny that I am real. So I just say to all of you…be real. It’s exhilarating..no pretenses. No judgement…all love. It’s way easier to love a real flawed person than it is to be nice to a fake person. Whether it is yourself or somebody else!