Well I had to think about yesterday’s sermon a bit.
I have been struggling lately. Struggling with my life choices.
What do I want to do?
What are my options?
Where do I really want to be?
How much work should I take?
in my personal inner being:
I keep asking
Am I growing?
What negative patterns do I still have?
What am I learning?
Am I changing?
Last week I had this little “thing” at Tuesday night bible study. For two weeks in a row our lead Pastor was talking about condemning Christians. I am not sure if I am one of them..within our congregation. I know I have certainly gone through that in my walk…in my growth process but at this stage in the game( meaning my life) I don’t think I am so much that way anymore? I don’t know?? I think judging is such a bad thing we do it without thinking about it ( sometimes) if I am aware of it I try not to do it..but I also came from trash …so I tend to understand where people come from….and have empathy.
Anyway as people were talking about it, I realized I treat everyone better than myself. So I can go without judging others but I am so dang hard on myself. God doesn’t want me to judge myself like that either. It is just as bad to do it to yourself as it is to judge someone else. He is the judge period. I felt bad making myself so vulnerable to the group…but I let it go because ….well because I can’t judge myself for being honest and vulnerable. period.
Then On Friday I went to my therapist. Can I just say I LOVE him! LOL
He has been working with my family for years. So he knows us very well.
At the end of our session…He told me he felt I was on the right track with so many things and said (basically) “You know I am not just saying these things to schmooze you” ( he actually worded it differently) I said “I know..I don’t like sugar coating..I need a straight shooter ..that’s why I pay you!..LOL”
So I have been crippling myself with this “parental love” thing. When we are young we rely and need love from our parents to survive and thrive right? Our whole beings rely on parents to provide all of our needs. I think this is why (most) mothers love babies…We love to be needed and for that short time those newborns completely and totally rely on us. After some women have a baby (me included) we crave that newborn baby feeling. I think it is worse now for me..maybe because I was a young Mom….and I didn’t appreciate it as much then…or maybe because my kids are older now and they don’t need me as much. I will be an AWESOME grandma! LOL
So this pattern was created for me that I am always striving to gain that love and acceptance that I was deprived of….as an adult I have tried to get it from everyone around me….this need is so deeply imbedded in my self…
As adults do we need this parental love?
I don’t need it…in fact I am not only surviving without it…I am thriving without it. Why?
Because I have eternal love with my Heavenly Father. He can’t love me any more..he can’t love me any less right?
So I think my outlook is changing..it will take time to break that pattern…..but because I am aware of it…I can recognize when I am falling into it.
So working this into Sunday’s Sermon.
This week it was Emmanuel- ( the meaning) God with us. Jesus was born to be “with us” He lives in us. God didn’t intend for us to be alone ever. The holidays are here and many people are alone, feeling depressed, abandoned, maybe lost their loved ones. I can’t actually say I understand that loneliness..I can barely take a shower without someone knocking on the door because they need to ask me something. But I can say that I do know what it feels like to be alone within myself..and wondering if anyone ever feels the same way (type of alone).
God knew we would need a savior. He also didn’t create us to be alone. So even if our earthly circumstances create an environment for us to be “alone’ we have Jesus, Emmanuel -God with us. He lives inside of us and we always have him. SO if God is all LOVE and everything GOOD…and he lives in US??? That means we have all of his qualities as well…doesn’t it? That doesn’t mean that we are Gods…..but it means we can have the likeness of Jesus, right? We know we have a purpose…that purpose isn’t to be alone. We can rejoice in the fact that we will never be alone.
Why is this such a hard concept to grasp? People ask me all the time?? How did it click with you? How can you believe this? Where did this faith come from?
I can give you all the information…There are many preachers, theologians and people that study the bible and they aren’t saved….or in other words they have all the information and not the heart for Jesus.
In my case I started with the heart and had to gain the information (still am). But it’s about revelation.
When we get that revelation…we realize a change needs to happen. Not only that it needs to happen..we want it to happen. What is a revelation? According to webster:
an act of revealing or communicating divine truth or something that is revealed by God to humans or an act of revealing to view or making known …..Once you are open to those revelations or experiences I think it’s hard to deny God…and what he wants for us. Don’t you?
I recognized that early on in my life….At the little baptist church in Anchorage, AK. God revealed himself to me in a way that made me want to be with him. I can’t explain it other than that.
I have to say that just because you get this revelation doesn’t mean that your life will be perfect, that you will make lawless choices. I think some people think once you make that choice to have faith…..that everything falls into place..it doesn’t. Trust me. That is EXACTLY why I can’t be alone and that I HAVE to have Jesus with me…to pick me up when I fall….when I fail to listen or hear him.
I could write more..but i think this is pretty lengthy already….I have been doing lots of work inside lately…God is helping me ..he is “revealing” so much to me..but I am not feeling overwhelmed right now (in this moment) because I think he already prepared me for it. I LOVE him for that even more.
I hope you all have a blessed week and think about the birth of our savior as he meets all of our needs. internally and externally.