Another personal post. You can delete this if you don’t like the personal posts. Don’t worry…the next post will be a something different…maybe like a quilt?? 🙂

What is the definition of strong…. Strength?

Do you remember that pivotal moment in your life when you realized that it had changed?  When we are young ..we almost always think of Hercules or He-Man or some other fictitious character we read or watch.  Then it changes…right? We learn that a war HERO is strong…..not for his strength on the battlefield but for surviving the battle at all. No matter how he survives..just that he does? I say that isn’t good enough. I mean it doesn’t matter how you survived the battle it’s that you THRIVE after you survived. That you gain peace, understanding….& that you grow and you apply the knowledge of that battle for a purpose bigger than your own. You no longer look at yourself …you look outside yourself.

Webster says this is the definition of strong:

1: having great physical power and ability : having a lot of strength

2: not easy to break or damage

3: not sick or injured

#2 is what I am referring to. If you survive the battle a broken person without survivor/survival skills…….than you are indeed NOT strong. It will have been for nothing. If you survive whatever personal battle you have….and you don’t learn how to turn it around and use for the greater good…it was for nothing. If you survived the battle to engage in the same behavior over & over again…it was for nothing. You are indeed not a survivor. You are a perpetual victim…only the second time it is not someone else’s is your own. Maybe you didn’t start the cycle….but if you keep putting fuel on that flame….you are now your own worst enemy. You are inflicting pain upon yourself for whatever reason…you think you deserve it. Guilt, pain, unworthiness…whatever it stems from.

I am trying not to get discouraged by people around me. I am trying to have compassion. I am trying to have empathy that comes all to easy to me….for most people. But I a having a  difficult time with people who CHOOSE to be victims. I say choose…because somewhere along the way all victims get a chance at a life raft. Seriously. Several times in all of our paths. I did. When I wanted to play the victim (for the few short years that I did)..people in my path told me things. I should have listened. My intuition told me things. I should have listened.  I can blame other people…..but where is that going to get me? I have to own it. I have to own that I am not a perfect person. I make mistakes. Daily.

There are plenty of people I can blame for the biggest “growth” lessons in my life. I could blame my ex-husband for ruining our marriage. I could be bitter and angry. I could have decided that marriage wasn’t for me..and swore off men. I could have let that turn & twist me inside out. I actually did for awhile…but what I found at the end of each day is that I wasn’t happy. My marriage to Rob certainly suffered by both of our baggage from our first marriages…..but if I had not let the hate & anger go….I wouldn’t have the bliss I have now with my Love. I can say ->I wouldn’t trade it. Even if Something happened to Rob and it would rip my heart out……I trust that there is a plan and that I would survive. Not only survive but THRIVE. Not because I know more than anyone else. Not because I am better than anyone else. Simply because I have faith. Not the kind of faith that can be wrapped up in a daily devotional…or a faith that says “I go to church every Sunday” ( because I don’t). It’s a faith that resonates in my soul. A faith that tells me God lives within me and he wants what is best for me. Other people find it in other ways…..I don’t discount them in any way.

But I am having a real issue with perpetual victims. I think God gave me such a great gift with empathy & discernment. However, why couldn’t he have given me the gift of peace in these situations? He is so magnificent because he knows all the answers yet he gives us free will. He lets us make poor choices and suffer the consequences of them. He is not trying to rescue us of our GROWTH. I am thankful for that… my life. I seriously am. I have often wondered before why I couldn’t have grasped the concepts I have earlier. When someone would throw that life raft to me and I didn’t jump in. But can I live in that? No. When we make changes they need to be for the good. Or again….surviving=no reason. So I understand the grace that God gives me in my poor choices. But I am having a  difficult time offering grace to my peers who consistently make poor choices knowing they will get the same results over & over.   How do I grow with that? Cause seriously…I don’t want to. Who likes this helpless feeling? Who likes to see people around them hurt? Who likes to see people turn bitter & ugly?    Who calls that strength? I think that is the weakest thing I have heard & seen in my whole life. I think I would have rather died in the battle with honor….rather than survive for no reason other than bitterness, ugliness & pain. That’s worse than the battle ever was.

That saying that like attract like. That has been so true in my life. I can see the people that have come & gone in my life. It’s amazing how you can attract life suckers. You think they are fulfilling something you need while they drain you of everything else good. Or they exploit my inner need to always help someone. I have learned that helping people is not always giving them the shirt off my back. I have written many entries about enabling. I think I have a pretty firm grip on what enabling is I have broad shoulders and a strong back…I can take the burden of living with myself for not enabling people any longer. It’s not about what makes me feel good. It’s about what is best for people I love. Even if they hate me for it. I can take it. I can’t say it doesn’t hurt. But I refuse to have people around me that will suck me dry simply for a endless hole of selfish pleasure that will make them ugly. But I can’t cut myself off. That would be the same as drowning myself in a bottle of sorrow….swearing off life…or using my battle scars for no good. At the end of each night….I have to be able to lay down knowing that I love myself enough. Enough to value my assigned mission. I want to know that I have made good choices.

Many people say that blood is thicker than water. I don’t get that? I think differently. I say God created us all……we are ALL his creation. Therefore we all come from the same source.  We are all related. Just because I met someone yesterday doesn’t mean I can’t love that person as much as I love someone I met 10 years ago. ……the person I met yesterday is just as related. It seems the people most loyal to me have been the people God has brought into my life…not the ones he planted me in. I don’t think being related to an earthly family is enough of a tie for me to alter my life. A life sucker is a life sucker. If I am a healthy person I will attract healthy people ( which I have & do). I don’t need to suffer my own growth. I don’t need to give up my mission. I don’t think anyone is worth that sacrifice. I truly believe that. There are people around me…who put up with unhealthy relatives..just because “they are family” or they are trying to get some approval.  I don’t do that. I have learned that ..that is really unhealthy. When you are happy with yourself….you learn you don’t have to compromise yourself for that. Now I have been on all sides of this. I have been the daughter, the mother, the sister, the friend, & the acquaintance.  I think at this point I am trying to navigate the waters of what I can accept. It’s not cutting people out. It’s having a line of communication. If I have learned anything from my bio-mother is that cutting people off at the knees and ignoring them doesn’t help anything. However, communication is key. It’s just a matter of learning how to get a message across that can be heard. But isn’t that what God does every time he sends us a life raft….and we choose whether to seize the opportunity? It all comes down to free choice. Free will. I can’t accept responsibility if someone chooses to ignore me. God doesn’t give up. I, in my own selfish mind want to. I want to give up on a few humans and just live my life. But somehow God doesn’t ever release me and let that happen. If I didn’t understand how loving he was……I would think this was torture….but I know it’s all for my own growth. He isn’t torturing me…he is teaching me. It is up to me to get that blessing. In time he will reveal to me what I am supposed to do. But I have to listen….& wait for that infinite wisdom to come along. That may be the most difficult because I know he is waiting on my heart. I know who is holding up this process. Which is usually the case.

Thanks for listening. 🙂 I know I can always count on my friends. 🙂

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