Storms

We had some major storms across the state last night. I felt comfortable with everything in our yard…I thought everything was stable and put away.

We’ve been working on lots of projects so I had to ask and make sure..the guys took care of everything they thought may be a problem. I felt secure in that and didn’t double check.

I also have to use Rob’s car today and i have some bad habits …purse, keys ect that need to be handled any time we switch cars. I didn’t take care of that last night. First thing this morning I realized that Rob could very well have my purse and keys..however my men were looking out for me and took care of everything. How well they know me. 🙂

The point is that I trusted..I didn’t worry about it. Even if they hadn’t done all of that what would have happened? I may have had to make an extra trip to Rob’s work…..which would have annoyed me. I am more selfish with my time than I am money ( gas ect) and that bothers me. I dislike road trips. I will do them if I must…but if I have to be in the car more than 1 hour….the thought of it just kills me.  IN fact I should be making more trips to go to costco and what not…but driving an hour to get there stops me…..The older I get the worse this gets. It didn’t bother me as much before to make a 2 hour trip but I think it’s years of delivering boys to see their dad…..and all that wasted time.  anyhow…I was getting off topic there. I trusted. even if I hadn’t rusted..I wodul have just needed to make a new plan. Course correction.

Why is it that I can trust in that situation so easily without thinking about it?

Seriously?

God is in control of everything and he knows best yet I keep trying to take control over situations in my life. The storms in my life that take over everything within me and make me just want to hide in seclusion ~in safety. Or jump ship. Or better yet fight back. I guess part of trusting is also knowing when any of those options are supposed to be used ( discernment) and applying the right reaction to action..or vice-versa.

I feel as if there have been many storms brewing this year….some have come to fruition. I am not a person who likes drama. I like to avoid that. But sometimes my avoidance is taken wrong. Sometimes I think avoidance is a good thing..sometimes a bad thing. Sometimes people can run away from a storm that is brewing and saved their loved ones….other times you have to let them go through so they can realize their own strengths & weaknesses. No matter how much you try to get them to go with you….they won’t follow.

How come our greatest strengths are our greatest weaknesses?

Its just one of those days. Where I am trying to gauge my growth.   Am I growing, Am I changing? How tough it is to see when you are in the eye of the storm.  I am trying to put it all in to perspective. I know there is no way I will recognize everything while I am in the thick of it all. But I know some things are better for me.

With each year (storm) that passes in my life I realize how easy it is getting to let go of the pain of my family. This year has certainly been a doozy. It seems as if you get everything wrapped up in a little box….and put it away and then someone comes and tears it wide open. I have had to grieve the loss of them…..in a much different way than I ever had. I have had to deal with some things that have come full-circle and realize that I have to accept things I don’t understand all of the time.

A person who has not been in my life for years has resurfaced in a different way…I had mixed feelings about that (at first). But I have been able to accept that and put that in a new box that …I again don’t understand. But I am not scared or frightened that I don’t understand. I don’t feel insecure. I think that is growth. For me I tend to gather information….process and sort…categorize and filter. Then I can place them in a box. The box determines my level of commitment, vulnerability, love, ect.  I am learning that the boxes aren’t always truthful. The boxes change as I grow and process. Which may seem elementary to some…but I developed this method of protection within my own mind. The pathology I have created is slowly changing. I recognize this and I don’t feel insecure about it….that is Trust & Faith. I know I am getting stronger. But I have to admit I am tired.

I am getting better at welcoming change. I am better at welcoming love from unexpected places. I am better at offering love. It’s all part of the refining process. I am getting better at looking at the other side. empathy. I have always had levels of this anyway…but I think it’s getting even easier for me.

I say all of this …not to say I don’t make mistakes….it is really difficult. I know I am on the right path. I have a LONG way to go.

I have made some changes in my mind and I feel good about them. I think I need to start working more internally again. I have had a rest for a bit…..rest isn’t really rest..it’s unrest. I feel safest and more balanced when I give myself time to work on myself. Even my discernment has been off key…because I am out of whack. I didn’t trust some of my intuitions….and that is so unlike me. Thankfully none of it is life altering….just need to avoid the next storm that is coming…..it’s safest that way. I trust that it will all be back to normal….and I just needed a course correction. We all have them…..many times. But it’s natural consequences to our actions.  We suffer through them and then learn through them. Can we minimize the pain..sometimes…sometimes not.  It’s all about our choices..and how badly painful we need the lesson. right?

Balance. It’s all about balance. It always comes back to that.

Well another storm is supposed to be hitting….I better get some work done…and start praying I don’t have to drive in it…I am not very good at that. 🙂

I hope you all have balance. Or know where to start.

Prayers.

xoxoxo.

Charisma

 

 

 

 

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