Spring Break 2014

This is a personal post. 🙂 So delete if you aren’t interested in reading about my personal struggles.

So you know that I keep writing 2013 on everything that requires a date? I just can’t seem to get the concept of the new year and we are a quarter of the way in…..seriously? That third grade paper I had to write keeps creeping in closer & closer. In the third grade my teacher asked us to write a paper about our lives in the year 2020. When you are in the third grade writing a paper about how your life will be when you are in your 40’s seems a world away. Now it’s seems a blink away.

This week was Spring Break. I have learned that while my kids are home I get less done. It’s not even as if they are requiring a lot of me….it’s just that I do well in routine and well any break in routine will throw me off. So it’s my own fault…and work style.

I am also a blog reader & follower. I know I talk about a lot of my personal stuff on this blog. I don’t think of this blog as real-estate. I know I am trying to run a business…but I really think at the core & heart of everything is my relationships and how I relate to people. So I treat this as my journal. It’s a good thing too. I am so behind on my scrapbooking that this blog is helping to keep all of those milestones & memories of not just my growth but also the growth of my family. But the blogs I follow religiously are the ones that write about real life. It is vulnerable. It is scary sometimes. But how can we help or relate to perfect people? I can’t. So lets just be real. I could post a bunch of happy pictures of my kids & dogs about Spring break…..which are all true….but it only shows one side. We are going to play board games on Sunday, we have visits from friends…we have been cooking & baking. We have been laughing and having life. All of those are good things to document. They are all real. Those are all the things that keep me going and paint my world wonderful.

But I have a blended family and the other half of the story is that:

The 3 boys actually went on Vacation with their dad this week. So it has been quiet. They are in San Diego.

Clarissa is trying out recipes for “Clarissa’s Canine Cookies” she is going to start a little dog treat business.   So we worked on that some. Carl is kind of anti-social. So he has been around the house. Nick stopped by a few times to get him up and about.

We did have a tragedy this week. I am heartbroken.

Our neighbors dog is a Jack Russell. Kind of an obnoxious dog that thinks she owns the neighborhood. When she would get loose the owners could hardly control her. Which has never really been a big deal.  Our dogs didn’t ever care. However last week she was taunting Merle through the fence. Rob had to shoo her away. Well we have a hole under the gate to our fence…it’s big enough for a cat or small dog to get through. Our dogs don’t dig or try to escape. So it’s not been an issue. This dog ran into our back yard where our dogs are contained. The small dog attacked Merle…..and Merle fought back. I tried to intervene….it was a sad helpless situation and the other dog didn’t make it out.  Even when I was restraining him so the other dog could run away…she never ran away…she kept coming back to fight. The whole situation was heartbreaking. Clarissa was right there with me in the thick of it all. I would have just let the dogs duke it out instead of getting in the middle of it. But I didn’t want Clarissa to see what was about to happen.  The neighbor came over to hit Merle with a stick while I was restraining him. As much as I was in his face and holding him…he never once turned on any of us. He didn’t ever show aggression towards any humans. I am proud of him with that. I also think the other dog could have survived if she would have backed down and ran.  Clarissa and I were a bit distraught. In the end I think that had I not intervened it could have been a lot worse in terms of what Clarissa witnessed.

Our dogs were defending their territory. It’s the animal kingdom and I have no idea what Merle’s real history is since he is a rescue. But clearly from his scars he has been in battle before. But honestly walking him outside of his territory & everything he has been fine. Big crowds of people..he loves. All people. So it’s just a quirk we will live and deal with accordingly. NO small animals…..and no other animal better try to fight him. I was pretty helpless trying to contain a 200 pound dog.

What made me really sad was the next day at the dinner table. Clarissa said “I think Merle is different now” We had to explain that he isn’t any different. It’s how we view him or more specifically how she views him. She is heartbroken. This is because we didn’t raise our kids on a farm. They don’t see the bad parts of raising animals or instincts. They see puppies & kitties..and sunshine & roses. It made me flashback to when one of our small dogs had puppies and one died. We were all heartbroken….even I couldn’t get over it when the mom was trying to make that puppy come to life…..but Clarissa……it was to much. She was young.So in time I think things will get back to normal with her & Merle.

This is not the first time any of my dogs attacked another dog….I had a husky at one time that was an attacker….especially of anyone that got to close to me. So I understand. But I also think this instance isn’t exactly Merle’s fault…..would I have loved it if he could have ignored her? Sure. But What I do know is that he loves us…and we love him. So we will all work through it. He just needs a stable home and guidance. Which he now has…but that doesn’t erase 6 years of history. It will take time. That’s the difficult part about a rescue. But somehow my heart just melts for him …just like it does for humans who need to be rescued.

Speaking of that……

Other news  Our oldest got fired from her job after 3 weeks. I am always upset when she fails because at some point I hope she proves me wrong. She doesn’t have fall tuition lined up yet either and she is failing some of her non-college level classes? So it’s looking pretty dreary for her as far as how she is going to live in the real world. She’s flunking out of school and she can’t hold down a job? Yet her boyfriend’s family will continue to support her. They bought her a car…..ect. They don’t know they bought it…but she got the money from her boyfriend…who gets money from them.  How can you not know? Turning a blind eye. So any lesson I hope she learns gets interference from that family. It’s a dead end. So I am sure none of us will actually know if she is going to school in the fall until fall comes…that’s how she operates.

So who knows?

What I do know is that life is going by so fast. I can’t stop it. I can’t freeze time and I can’t control it. So I just have to go with the flow and rest in the Lord. He is more than enough…I just have to trust that to my core.

I also heard a song yesterday that has me thinking about lots of things. This one.(there is cussing)

You can read the lyrics here.

I have not heard from my bio-mother in years. When I do it is never good. I got hate mail from her a few weeks ago. All the same stuff she always says…doesn’t take accountability for her actions..wishes she never had kids(which started with me…so I ruined her life)..wishes that she had not met my kids or had a relationship with me once I turned 18…ect-ect.   None of it is worth my time or worth thinking about. But a few years ago I decided to listen to Eminem because my son was listening to him and really likes his music. I just wanted to know why. How did he relate to such bad music? While driving down the street tears were flowing from my face. He’s a sad angry guy….with all the lyrics and what not ( I hate all the cussing…I honestly do) …but I was able to relate to several of his songs. The ones where he talks about his childhood and terrible mother. I had to ask my son why he likes the music….his life  in no way relates to that. He likes the beat..I think during his rough hormone years he relates to the anger and the energy. Which I don’t think is a good thing…..but he will need to be convicted and change his ways on his own accord. I am not a fan of Rock music…..but I do like rap and I can listen to this hard core rap without a problem. Just not all the time (because I know it’s not good for me). Anyway On mainstream radio {I had gotten in the car } Eminem’s new song about forgiving his mother came on the radio.  I am glad for this song for a few reasons….if my son is going to continue to listen to this music…he will at least see the growth that this man is experiencing. He is not saying that he accepts her behaviors but the hook of the song says “I guess, we are who we are” and it’s about meeting each other where they are. That’s not an option in my case. For several reasons..and I have written about them before.

Last week when Bryce was struggling with his dad ->I was feeling guilty. Maybe my kids think they can just walk away from relationships so easily…maybe they don’t value them because they see that I am estranged from my family. Maybe I am setting a bad example? But All I have to do is reference the hand written letter from the woman who gave birth to me. I can reference all of the emails in the last 5 years.

Do Landon, Rob & I agree on everything? No. But As I explained last week to my child…who is a few months away from being an adult….and learning from the men in his life. The ones who stuck around. The ones who have protected him guided him and love(d) him. I asked him how he could even think about writing off his dad?(over a silly disagreement?) Even though we are divorced..he stuck around. He paid his support……he was there. A phone call away or drive away. Every other weekend.Every school break.. Not only that he had a dad that lived with you. Rob & Landon accepted each other early on and worked together. 2 men who put their pride aside for the love of their children. How many boys would love to have just 1 dad that stuck around? My boys had 2! So I would not hear the disrespect. I had to tell him that I would not interfere with any of his dad’s decisions and that I trusted my judgement enough to choose good men to father my children. So if this is the way he would treat people that I love or that love him..he would have to deal with the consequences. He did come around in a short time after that…but honestly on the inside I am beating myself up. I am doubting everything within me…..how could I have a child who can even fathom throwing such an important relationship away?

The reason is because he hasn’t felt true pain. He doesn’t understand true hardship. I had to turn it around and think of everything I did right. I protected him from the type of pain that justifies walking away. I wonder sometimes if I will ever be able to defeat that automatic response of blaming myself for everything? I am getting better at turning it away..changing my mindset…..but I just want it to go away all together. No doubts. Maybe that is just the human experience.

So not to paint rainbows with a black paintbrush…I am just keeping it real. The ups & downs of life. This season will pass. I am sure of that. But it’s good to document them so I know that I made it through. LOL  And to also know that the good times are that much sweeter. Thanks for hanging in with me on my journey!

Blessings

xoxoxoxox

 

 

 

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