Resolutions

I feel like I need to make some resolutions to myself.

But I hate making resolutions because if I fail..I am hard on myself. who wants to fail? Nobody.

But knowing myself I hate failure..but I hate trying more…..on some days.

I watched 4 episodes of Oprah’s life-class. Are any of you watching that? Well I can tell you I heard some things that hit home. We are always about pointing out externally rather than internally. But it’s all about our perceptions and our internal filter of how we see and interpret life. Right?

So it seems to be a common theme.

I am conditioned to believe it is more important to take care of everyone around me…rather than myself.

On one of the episodes..there was a “hard talk” or “Carefrontation” these adult daughters wanted to have their om in their lives more. She was an awesome mom who stayed home and centered her life around her children..now that they are grown she is making choices to live her own life. The daughters want her to be the same old mom. I so thought that the end result would go another way…I thought they would tell this mother that she should continue to sacrifice herself to be the mom/grandma she is “supposed” to be. The little old grandma that makes cookies and baby-sits. Nope!  They said “Good for you!” Put yourself first! These are grown women with their own families…..it’s their turn. WOW! That was sort of an eye opener for me. I like to think that I am this “feminist’ in a way……but die to myself for my children….of course. That is what I am conditioned to believe. Why do I believe that? expectations. ( what the heck do I know?)

I have expectations of what a mother, friend, grandmother and whatever else “should” be and that’s it.

Well take out the expectations..they just get in the way don’t they?  I wasn’t casting judgement on this mother/grandmother….which I am proud of myself for..I was just wondering why? Why wouldn’t she want to be there? But I think that will also come to me…when I am an empty nester and I have a taste of freedom. You don’t know what you don’t have…right? Maybe I will be the same way? ( going through teen years right now isn’t all that great…and I am pretty sure that my kids nor I will want to be around each other much for awhile when they finally get to leave)

But it seemed like every episode, no matter the topic …the solution was something internal…not external. Our human nature wants everything to be external. I just wonder sometimes Why this is? why can’t there be some solution that is just ingrained? How come I can’t just get something easily? I already know the answer. Roots. Growth. UGH! Growth.

So I can “get”…”comprehend” lots of stuff. I understand that everything is internal.  All of my issues involve something internal. Now how do I change them?

resolutions.

*grown*

I hired a cleaning lady. She comes 5 days a week. now I don’t have to do as much around the house. There is no excuse as to why i can’t go for a walk/jog in the mornings. I am up early every morning. I will putter around and do nothing…….for an hour. So I have time. Why can’t I make that bridge from making excuses to thinking ” I love myself..and this will be good for me…this will make me feel better”

So I think I need to set realistic goals. Start out at 3 times a week. I am going to try this.

I need to drink more water and eat on a regular schedule. So many times I go without drinking enough fluids. I am running from one thing to the next..I skip meals and than eat big ones to compensate. I will be working until 2-3 in the afternoon and finally decide I should eat something. not good. Probably a huge contributor to my weight. But also a part of the whole process of how I will neglect myself for all the things “I have to get done”

I need to start looking inward when I have problems and decide what am I doing wrong? what do I dislike about myself….and why it’s ok to neglect myself. Also why I allow food to nurture and love me?

That’s as far as I am going right now…..because I could overwhelm myself with all that I have to think about. I think I need to take one step at a time and just try.

So today I am going to do what I need to do..then I am going to organize.

Have a great day!

C