So I haven’t been writing as many personal post as of lately. It’s been busy. I also have to admit that sometimes I don’t know….it’s difficult to be vulnerable and expose everything.
I am a person who is always striving to get to the next level in my life. I love inspirational stories. I love reading self help books. I love hearing people’s stories. We all have a story and I find it all very fascinating. I have been reading a lot of books based on people escaping scientology recently. IN fact many people I know have been reading them because we all watched Leah Remini’s series on A&E. I am so sad that this type of thing is happening in our “free” country. But I do find their escapes and stories of finding themselves and freedom from the cult very fascinating…and I don’t know hopeful.
I have also been struggling with the divisive times in our country and all that is happening. I have conflicted feeling about a lot of things. So many people are so heated and upset about everything that even among my own friends politics can’t be a topic of discussion. I don’t have to agree with people to love them and carry on a conversation. But it’s making me think. I was honest about my feelings about this last election. I struggled the whole time. I didn’t want to vote for either candidate and I wasn’t convinced that DJT was a republican..but I had to vote for him by default because I didn’t want to throw away my vote…and I didn’t want to vote for HRC. My Husband threw away his vote because he couldn’t vote for either one.
While all of this is swirling I just keep thinking about all of the ways in which these things can inspire me to do things within my circle. In the grand scheme of things I am not in control of all of this….politics, the world as I know it….I can only control myself. I can affect the most change by the way that I treat people, love people and how I live out my life.
While trying to sort out all of this we have had some “hits” within our family that are scary, hurtful, worrisome and just plain struggles. I am so tired of dealing with teenagers or adult children …somedays I am not sure I can handle one more day. one more minute of one more day. I sometimes wonder how people get kids who just listen and do what they are told. LOL I wish I had kids who didn’t have to learn things the hard way. I keep thinking about a FB meme that says: The same water that hardens the egg, also softens the potato. It just makes me try to see a different perspective. When I think my heart is going to be ripped out and stomped on just a bit more….I keep thinking…..This could harden me or soften me. It would be so much easier to be hardened and just keep my heart from breaking every other day…..but I can’t be that person. I was raised by a person like that and I don’t want that life. So I am trying to base my decisions out of love….and it’s so incredibly difficult.
My cousin’s cousin told a story ( it’s not her story..its just the first time I had heard it) and I copied it here:
THE STORY OF THE CRAB BUCKET
One time a man was walking along the beach and say another man fishing in the surf with a bait bucket beside him. As he drew closer, he saw that the bait bucket had no lid and had live crabs inside.
“Why don’t you cover your bait bucket so the crabs won’t escape?”, he said.
“You don’t understand.”, the man replied, “If there is one crab in the bucket it would surely crawl out very quickly. However, when there are many crabs in the bucket, if one tries to crawl up the side, the others grab hold of it and pull it back down so that it will share the same fate as the rest of them.”
So it is with people. If one tries to do something different, get better grades, improve herself, escape her environment, or dream big dreams, other people will try to drag her back down to share their fate.
Moral of the story: Ignore the crabs. Charge ahead and do what is right for you. It may not be easy and you may not succeed as much as you like, but you will NEVER share the same fate as those never try.
This story really made me think because I have been struggling with this my whole life. My family of origin really tried ( and still do) try to bring everyone down with them….since I escaped..they have had nothing but resentment and hatred because their own lives are terrible and they don’t want anyone to succeed. So I keep trying. I keep trying to better myself. I refuse to let the crabs bring me down!!
I also remember a sermon from my pastor years ago. He was a city slicker that had moved to our small town. He had many experiences while living in this area. IN the bible we read many stories about sheep, herders, lambs ect. So we get the jist of why these stories are related to us. “God is a shepherd”….”Blind sheep” ect. Well we had a member who needed help with his sheep. So our Pastor went to help. he really learned that sheep do not like change. They don’t want to move from their own sheep poop….no matter how terrible the poop is….it’s difficult to get the sheep to leave their own poop , literally, to go to a clean pen. So as he was sharing this experience with us it made us laugh and also pointed out how sometimes we all stay in our own poop rather than going to a better situation. We know our own poop, we know what to expect and we have survived thus far…so why change> why challenge ourselves? Why leave our own filth?
As I heard these stories or recollect them I can see so many people in my life…or myself that continually struggles with these things. I know we all have our own challenges and battles. I also feel that I have been a good example to my family of how to break the cycle, break the chains and to push yourself outside of your comfort zone. I am constantly doing that….yet it seems all of these lessons are lost on my children. I wonder how’s this is possible? Why do they want to either follow the same path we did>? Or worse yet go backwards from where they came from. It so goes against my grain. I am struggling so much with watching some of the choices my adult children are making…it kills me inside.
But I read my bible faithfully, pray often, and hope for the best.
It’s all I can do. I am trying not to eat my feelings. I am not trying to bury the pain I am trying to live through it. I still want to live my life…..
it’s difficult. I thought life would get easier as they get older. I was wrong. So I am trying to find inspiration in many things. I have been listening to Ted talks, reading my bible and trying to focus on myself.
as far as the house….we are still in limbo. not worried or stressed. just waiting.
Also just a quick note to you all that my march is pretty booked up….and april is filling up. I will be gone in May. 🙂 I will be traveling through the UK.
I also really want to start some college classes again. So I am trying to figure out when I can fit all of that in. ….life.
I hope you all have a wonderful week. It’s Monday night and I need to get some more work done. But I really did want to share some of my personal struggles. I know we are all going through life and it’s easy to write about quilts. It’s not easy to write about my struggles….much less face them. haha! But it’s a journey. I am glad I keep good company.