Part of My Personal Journey

Hi friends,

This is a personal post. It’s been awhile since I have posted a “personal” post. A few years back it seemed I had more of those than anything else because I was going through a growth process and this blog was a soft place for me to fall and sort things out. IF you are just here for quilting you may not want to read further… 🙂

I have shared much about my past …several of you know and relate….Who have been following from the beginning. But to make a long story short  for new comers….I come from a terrible background. My mother is not a good woman and she made many mistakes …and I am her oldest child that she drug around despite never bonding to me or really ever accepting or treating as a child. ( we don’t have a relationship at her request)

I have forgiven her and I honor her by living a good life and raising a healthy family myself.

So as you can imagine I am the oldest of 4 kids…all different fathers…one of my siblings doesn’t even know who his father is….but as dishonest as our mother is…I am not sure without testing we could listen to her word on any of them anyway. However, I do know who my father is…and I don’t need a test….I look a lot like him and because I was the first….I am trusting that my mom at least got that part correct.

My father was only 17 when they got pregnant with me….it was a rough year for him because he was also diagnosed with schizophrenia that year. In the 1970’s they didn’t have the designer meds that they have now….and in my fathers words…..they didn’t work for him and he went nuts. ( he is very honest about his diagnosis and journey…he lets me asks questions ..he has spent many days in mental institutions. I am very curious and he lets me pick his brain)

But even if my mom was the type to stick around ( which she is not) It wouldn’t have worked. She left and moved us to AK….for several reasons ..but one of them being she was trying to get away from CPS. ( nice, right?)

My father due to his Diagnosis did get SS and he sent his child support through that. I did get letters and Christmas & birthday presents. Irregularly, I am sure that is a combination of my mother keeping me away..we moved alot ect) . I met him for the first time at 13….on a visit to WA State.  My mother would tell me that my father was “crazy” and I must be just like him. I honestly, lived in fear of becoming ill. We eventually, moved back to Wa and I met him semi- regularly for meals…and we talked on the phone. Since he was not on his meds regularly and he didn’t understand a teenage girl…and I didn’t understand his disorder ( illness…I don’t know what you call it?) I think we just eventually quit talking. He changed numbers frequently and I didn’t keep up when I started my own life.

Well that is the background because I have not had contact with my father in 20 years. Rob has never met him. My father didn’t know I had 6 kids….or any children at all.

Through a chance encounter ( because my dad avoids the computer and all social media) I saw one of his brother’s names on a fb page…weird. So through that I was able to find him. Very quickly.

We made contact. I have spoken to him every day since. We met for breakfast a few weeks ago while I was in Spokane. We are also going to visit him and go to church with him Today. He is over the moon excited to share us with his church family.

I will not say this is a perfect scenerio and all is just peaches and cream. My father is very sick. He manages ok with meds and what not. But as a 38 year old woman I can appreciate some things in him now that I couldn’t have understood 20 years ago. So I know everything happens for a reason.

Despite all of the heartache. pain, difficult life ect that my father has had….he smiles and laughs every day. Seriously. He has so many things that he could complain about or be negative about. He isn’t. He doesn’t say anything bad about anyone. He loves everyone. He lives in the ghetto. Seriously, we are talking the serious ghetto. But because he has a regular income and “help” he is always helping his drug addict-criminal-prostitute neighbors. They steal from him ….he doesn’t care about material possessions. If anyone asks him for anything..he gives it to them. His needs are few. He will offer a meal to anyone that comes around. He tells me at least once a week “Make a new friend” …..he loves people…no matter how he is treated.

Now do I think this is always a good thing? No. I don’t. But I love his spirit. I love that he sees the good in everything.

I love that he doesn’t judge or want to hurt anyone. That is very refreshing if you knew my other parent.

My father has been praying for a “family” ….so he is excited that God answered that prayer for him.

He has been feeling alone. He goes to church every week and reads his bible every day.

Both of his parents are dead and he was the middle of 3 boys. Both of his brothers have died. he is the only one left in his family. He has 4 kids scattered around the country. 2 of them don’t know that he exists. They were adopted out. That leaves me and 1 brother…..that one brother is almost exactly 2 years younger than me, to the day.

I found that brother. he lives not far from my brother, Nathan ( a sibling I grew up with…and the only 1 I have a relationship with). Ironically, Nathan could also be my Father’s bio-son…( the web is thick people)..so we are going to test that. So I have another half brother, Will. I met Will….. Will has a wife and 6 children as well. All boys. Will has had a background much like mine…..he’s the oldest of 4 all of the kids have different fathers..and mom was involved in drugs. Will didn’t get to escape the diagnosis. He also has schizophrenia. It presented itself when he was a teenager. So he has had a tough road.

I can’t explain to anyone exactly how I feel.

I feel excited to meet family.

I have so much love in my heart to spread around that it feels good to meet some of my people.

I am also so thankful…for many reasons. I have this swollen heart that is just exploding with gratitude to God for everything. I am healthy. In my mind, body and soul. Meeting all of them has made it even more clear to me…things could always be worse….and to see this JOY that just comes through the spirit of my Father. I sometimes wonder if it is ignorant bliss..but even if it is..who cares? I have always said that I don’t want to be one of those bitter, angry, hurtful people….no matter what life presents to me….and to see that that is possible no matter the circumstances. It just makes my heart sing, honestly.

I can appreciate the good things that comes with the relationship..even if i don’t agree with everything …or maybe that I just don’t understand the way of life….that’s a better way of putting it.

Even in my father’s state…he has moments of clarity and I can already decipher them….I can see some of our similarities. We are both God fearing people, he loves animals, he loves people, he is charitable, he is social, he reads, he loves quotes….( I taught him how to text..he sends me quotes all day long), we typically vote for the same candidates..even if for different reasons…LOL.

He tells me everyday how much he loves me, that he is so proud of me, I am his favorite, that I am so nice …LOL. I am sure he probably says this to everyone…who knows? but just to have that positivity…..I say this stuff to my kids all of the time too. LOL They don’t listen to me..because they think I have to say it or something.

My mother isn’t-wasn’t that way at all. It was anger or nothing. There just wasn’t any general happiness.

The clash of traits from my parents is quite shocking actually. I apparently got a good balance of things from both parents and I am thankful for that.

As I approach middle age and all of these things come full-circle-> I see the timing of it all….I see why some things are the way they are…and I am just more rooted in my faith. All of the connections have been made as far as my family.

I have no more dads-step dads- fathers ect to connect with. All of my connections have been made.

Most of my questions have been answered…..my wounds have been stitched and mended. ( as much as they can be)

Is my perfect world ever going to happen? No. LOL. There are no expectations of that I am too old for that…..but I can still daydream (something my father does as well) in the clouds and live the life that I have created for myself. What all of this has confirmed for me {even more so}  is that we get to choose so many things….and I trust myself more than anyone else. I have made good choices for myself and life is so good. When you feel secure in your faith, Trust God and know that when you follow him ….he takes care of everything. He designed me this way and He knew what he was doing.

Unending thankfulness!!

I hope you all have a wonderful day. As my father would say to you “Meet a new friend”

xoxox

C

 

 

6 thoughts on “Part of My Personal Journey

  1. Love your strength positive your thinking and most of I love you for being honest and yourself. God is so good. You are so uplififting and inspiring to me even though we have never met face to face. I feel like I have know you for a very long time. Stay strong girl friend you are beautiful, strong, and most thoughtful and kind.

  2. What a background you have and what a journey you have taken..I love how you are not a bitter mean person..you exude positivity and kindness..
    Continue to have gratitude and look forward to every day and all the people who surround you with goodness…

  3. Oh my Dear, You are young enough to be my daughter, and if my daughter had lived I would think she would have been as sweet as you, and as smart . You remind me of her each time I see a picture of you. She had long blonde hair and blue eyes . She loved every one she came in contact with. She was only 8 years old when she left us, but she touched a lot people both young and old. She had a smile a mile long. Take care of yourself and know you are loved

  4. Your quilting was the first admiration I had for you; now your story is even more admirable.
    May God bless you always for your sweet spirit.

  5. Charisma, I know you’ve told me about your Dad over our lunches. But today as I read this, I realize just how much like Jesus he is. Not caring for himself or his possessions, but always ready to give. Even to those down and out. What a wonderful man. We should strive to be more like him…

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