Well who else is going to leave crumbs here, right?
It’s still pretty early to give a summary of my day….but guess what? I slept over 7 hours last night! I woke up this morning at 6….I woke up Rob….I said “Honey, I slept for almost 8 hours..that hardly happens”…he mumbled something and rolled over. I am pretty sure that meant he was excited for me…LOL. You can never tell with Aspergers..but he and I have a hidden communication technique…It’s called “fill in the blanks” LOL…I am pretty sure it’s healthy to do that. HA!
Anyway…I took Cole to breakfast for our Mom date…..he ordered a huge amount of food…and couldn’t finish it. But I have to say I was “plugged” in. we laughed we talked, we bonded for a few minutes. I am so glad i schedule them in …but I really want to have to not schedule time in with my kids..
I know i am making the right choice. I feel so much peace today. No internal arguments…..no doubts..but that is probably also because I haven’t finalized everything by talking to my school adviser. LOL. But I know my doubts will creep in…so I put a message out on the prayer chain for peace and prayer so my mind doesn’t go to the dark place after I do make the choice. AAAAAK! No rush I can do that tomorrow.
My friend text me a scripture:
Passage John 14:27:
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
I thank all of you who take the time to write me and share with me or encourage me….You are all truly a blessing. I am thankful for this opportunity. Just know I read every single message/email/text…I think thoughtfully about them and I pray for all of you…..you are all important to me in so many ways. SO just know if you are struggling..I am here.
Well today was a good day…hectic but full of many blessings..of course. Even if i have a bad day I can find a blessing right?
SO my friend Virgina came over to quilt today…YAY! I have had friends over everyday this week..it has been nice and I have gotten a lot of quilts finished..I just haven’t posted pics because my house is a wreck….tomorrow is the day.
I am taking pictures and posting. Stay Tuned. LOL
I also had ladies day lunch at the church today. It was a breakfast theme. Last night one of the gals called to ask me if I had a mixer. I thought she was asking because maybe she needed to borrow one. LOL. I said “Oh well I have a hand held mixer?” She said no..I have one you put on the counter..I don’t use it…would you like it? I said “sure….we would love to have one”
Today she gave me a new Kitchen Aid mixer. I was AMAZED! LOL I have always wanted one..but could never spend that much money for one. How amazing is that? So Clarissa and I will be testing that out! HURRAY!
Then I had my meeting today about publishing patterns..and the steps I need to start with…so I will work on that.
The praying and pondering has started about what my plans are….it’s so funny. At the ladies lunch…I talked with some of the women about school…they said ” You won’t be a loser for quitting…..Mary said”I think it shows maturity that you are putting your priorities in order”…then some others agreed. I thought about that. Then I talked with Rob…he had a counseling appointment today. He rarely shares with me what he discusses in counseling…today the topic was “me.” LOL. I need to do some prioritizing and value myself more.
Then I spoke with Carla…( HI Carla …waving vigorously!) …Carla is my sidekick..she is just like me…and she is always the one that says…”No don’t give up….it’s smart to finish your degree”…..today nope. She agreed that my life is taking a different direction and that i need to listen to the overwhelming answer. i kind of teared up. I want to invest more in the relationships around me…I am so pulled in many directions..school can always be on the back burner..people can’t.
I talked with my kids before play practice. I told them what I am thinking..they all said “Mom..just quilt”….I said”But I feel like I am a bad example if I quit…then in a few years you all will want to quit…cause I am telling you it’s ok” Carl said”Mom you have so many reasons to quilt….I won’t quit college because you did ..there would be no reason good enough for me to quit…you don’t need your degree to do what you like…and make money….why do you need to go to school anymore?” Bryce is all about the money of course…He said “Well if you are making enough money quilting…who cares about school?” That is exactly what I am afraid of…HA! All the kids told me to quit…I think they miss their Mom..so it’s kind of a bias answer. But a good reason. none the less. I am worn out yes…but I also know life is about choices..If I hold this mother role so near and dear to my heart and I want to succeed…well I can’t just trust that it will happen if i am working, studying and planning. I am in a position to where I can spend more time with them and its a choice…not a necessity? What am I thinking’?
I talked with my adviser today and got the classes I am supposed to register for..I haven’t brought myself to register even part-time…..I am not anxious….I am not sad….I am numb maybe. thinking I just need to let it go….change is so hard. It is safer for me to continue in this because it is something I know…trying my hand at a whole new adventure …..quitting school and diving into Charisma’s Corner.
I know i was like this the first day of school however many years ago…so I know i can do it. I can’t live in fear. I need to trust what God is telling me. I am worthy and he loves me. No matter what. I still keep getting that voice”School served it’s purpose”
So we had play practice….”Well that’s all I have to say about that” ( in the voice of Forrest Gump) LOL> stress….getting that many kids to sit and follow instructions for more than 5 minutes? Yeah.
So I am thinking about how I am going to organize my time after the first of the year so I can start some different things..and get on the right course…Cause if I quit school..I have to “prove” to myself it wasn’t in vain right? I know as soon as I let it go..little evil Charisma will be working overtime to tell me ..i made a HUGE mistake and that I am going to fail. I am preparing myself for the battle…mentally and also by being proactive and getting work done.
I think, I need to schedule in days off..and also non-quilting..work days. This will be hard for me. But I am going to do it. those non-quilting work days will pattern planning..working,creative days…so I can feel like I have quality and quantity. I am one of those over-achievers… because I am always trying to prove evil inner Charisma wrong..so she will shut up for a few seconds. Please don’t think I am crazy…or if you do..please start a donation fund so you can all commit me…and I can get spoon fed and bathed…..it will be like a vacation….:)
See how badly I need a vacation?
OK bad stuff is over…so many changes….Some of you may remember this a few years ago?…This just came to me!..I was trying to decide if I should go to nursing school or apply at the university. I was a wreck for a few weeks. LOL See how much has changed? a few months after that ..I thought, I would try my hand at LAQ? I worked so hard to make into nursing school…at the last minute I decide I didn’t want to anymore..( any nurses out there know how hard it is to make into school)I was doing the same thing to myself…I beat myself up thinking..”Ok are you just giving up because it’s hard?”…” How could you be so wrong about what you wanted??” I thought, I was destined to be a nurse…..in the course of all this I realized nursing wasn’t for me….I knew how demanding it would be and my heart wasn’t in it..plus I would be missing out on my kids’ lives.
So I applied at the university..I have never regretted that decision…I wanted to be home with my kids. So now I am home…but working harder than I have ever worked in my life….but it is something I love. I just had this moment of clarity while writing all this down. Please ask me how much I LOVE my BLOG?! ( Another prayer going up for Michael..rushing to get this up and running for me!)
OK no more battle..I am calm..spirit is good. Life is getting even better! Growing pains…Pride isn’t getting me this time! I am going to be a COLLEGE DROP OUT! I am NOT going to be ASHAMED. LOL
( However in fine print..if i knew how to do that?..I just want to say that I reserve the right to go back if and when the timing is right.)
Well you know most of my day..but I have to say it ended well.
We went to Wal-Mart ( yes..Wally’s everyday….again!)….Maybe I need to make a quilt about Wal-Mart..ugh! Again……it’s the only store in town for all that don’t know. So I have a love/hate relationship with Wal-Mart.
We ran out of paint..so we had to go get more….and toilet paper. DO you all remember that Chris Farley movie …What’s the name..anyway there is a line…”House keeping, need tp?” I think of that whenever I buy toilet paper for some reason….LOL Anyway…
We bought dinner..sub-sandwiches and chips..my kids think that is like a gourmet meal…lol. They were so excited.
We came home to a family dinner..and we were laughing, planning, talking…I had this moment..of clarity. “OK ….Charisma..you are so fortunate to have this family…..what a great bunch of people…LOL” I will never get this back again. What is important?
I am not smelling the roses….I fly by the roses and probably whack a few off their stems as I race by…LOL.
Priorities….what do I need to knock out?
What do I love…what’s important? Where is my pride getting in the way?
I LOVE my family and quilting. Even if i give up my business….I will still quilt. No question. Even on the days that I want to chuck my family out the window..deeeeeep down I still love them..and it’s just a fleeting thought. LOL!
So what drags me down? School
During the summer life seemed so nice…I was busy …I had turmoil with a broken machine..but no school.
I am being prideful about school..it is becoming clear that I probably won’t use my degree for anything ( it’s an altruism degree)…I am on a different path…but I want to follow through because of pride. I have worked to hard to get this far……I already have so much time and money invested. So I will test out one or two classes next semester and see how freeing that is and if I feel like I can juggle things better. I just keep going back to this thought ” School has already served it’s purpose” I don’t know which side this thought is on..good or bad.
When I started school….I felt like I was stupid. I didn’t think I could make it through school…but I was so tired of billing medical insurance. LOL What a far cry from what I am currently doing right? My first month in school I cried because things changed quite of bit from researching encyclopedias….and using a typewriter..LOL. I had quite the learning curve.. I made it! I didn’t even aim high enough to get into the university. That seemed so unattainable. Even with a GPA of 3.8 in Community college ..I was nervous that the university wouldn’t accept me.
So to succeed in as much as i did..it gave me confidence to think anything was possible. That was a gift I had never had before. So many things in my life I was told I wasn’t capable of doing….I had believed it. Now i know it’s not true….the only person holding me back is myself. Am I dumping so much time and energy into something I won’t need? or use? All because I want that degree to hang on my wall. Just to say I graduated from a university. To other people that may be something they take for granted…it was expected….or doesn’t matter. What do I do? Is this pride..is this just my weary mind? I have to realize at some point I can’t do everything. I will have no regrets about finishing school..I know that…but I will have regrets about not spending more time with my kids…they are almost gone…it goes by so fast that I know within a blink of an eye…or a brush past those roses…I will be having a chin lift ….eye brow lift..wishing I still had my kids at home..LOL…cause then I wouldn’t be able to afford the plastic surgery…HA!
So those are my current crumbs….what do you all think? I Iike your opinions….some of you have much wisdom….but I am praying about it..I appreciate your prayers as well…I will know the right thing to do at the right time.
So after my moment of clarity at dinner…we were all talking about our Christmas plans….I need to quit telling Rob things. Honestly. He can never keep news to himself when it comes to the kids. I bought 6 bean bag chairs in all different colors for the kids…I even put out a text today asking if anyone could store them for me until Christmas….LOL. Rob told them at dinner….Immediately I said “Way to go Idaho!” (Rob is originally from Bonner’s Ferry, ID) “I can’t believe you told them!” They all started laughing. Well Dad what else are we getting? SHEESH! You can’t tell him a thing!
I am hosting a give-away:
We made 100 members pretty quickly…..I am willing to offer up a ***FREE**** Long arm quilt job using an all over design from my loricle groove boards for a twin size quilt…..Once we reach 200 members.
You pay shipping to me..I will pay shipping back to you….YAY!
These are the designs I own:
After we reach 200 members I will do a drawing of all registered members and notify the winner!!!
Hi Everyone…..well I have only had two conferences so far…..
OK I am so totally that person who believes she has failed as a parent if I go to a conference and get a bad report on a child. No matter how constructive that conference is supposed to be…my whole method of parenting…and the way I view my parenting abilities falls apart if my kids aren’t well behaved and reflect poor test scores/grades.
Well….I knew it would happen. one day. Today I went to Clarissa’s conference…and I was so embarrassed…..and thinking I am the worst parent on the planet…cause you know..it’s all about me..right? Clearly…cause f it was about my kid she would be doing well. right?
See how horrible I am on myself? I come home and think …” I am not a good parent” Forget that! She has her own mind, personality and weakness’. Then I think…oh no…her jacket is dirty….she has a hair out of place..so now that my kids is struggling academically, not behaving..she isn’t pretty either? No hope. WOW!
After I leave and bawl my eyes out…I realize Ok….STOP!! This is ridiculous! You need to re-group. YOu need to focus and get her there. What are the “real” issues.
Clarissa is so dang stubborn. She refuses to ask for help. I know part of it is her own personality…the other part is our house hold. Her older brothers will make her feel like she is stupid if she doesn’t know something. They are always in competition with each other…critical of each other…that has trickled down. She watches and learns everything…this is her perspective. So she won’t ask question for fear of looking dumb. Then when she doesn’t want to do something because it’s difficult she talk… socializes..doesn’t listen in class. She doesn’t want to do things that will stretch her mind…she likes to stay in her comfort zone. LOL
WOW!! Wasn’t I just talking about this?
So let’s not make this about me…but inadvertently, I am raising a mini-me……She reads people and knows people’s hearts and feelings. She knows how to people please.
This week we bought her new snow boots. She wore them for the first time to school yesterday. When she came home I saw her wearing her bestie’s older boots. I said “Why do you have Shelby’s boots?” She said “Because Shelby wanted to wear mine”…while looking down at her feet. I said “Ok…well tomorrow you tell Shelby to give your boots back…Or I will call her dad”…She looked at me horrified like..I can’t say that to her. Today she came back with her boots….I said “what happened” She smiled….and said “Shelby said we had to trade cause her Dad told her she couldn’t do that again”..LOL Clarissa was so happy she had been rescued. I wanted her to learn how to take care of it herself..and she was saved again..which is perfectly fine. But I am the same way. I struggle with this acceptance thing and I am 34…WHAT am I doing to my kid?!!! I want to scream inside..it’s like a generational Curse! So enough about me. LOL
I will put my BIG..Big girl panties on and I will make sure she does better in school…but I have just had this inner war for the last 2 hours…
Why do I let outside things matter. How can these outside things influence how I think or feel about myself? Something as simple as that can ruin my whole self image..the way I view my parenting…and think I am a failure? Clearly we all have stumbling blocks and struggles? I want to believe I am not alone in this? right? Does it get better with age, experience…spiritual growth? Intellectual growth? Probably all of the above. I am tired just thinking of how far I need to grow and learn. My brain is already tired. LOL
I know part of it is that I want to be a good mom so badly..that I hold that role in such high regard…that if i fail in some tiny way…I might as well have failed everything..their whole lives will be ruined because of me….all or nothing attitude. Why do I have that?>