Hi Everyone…..well I have only had two conferences so far…..
OK I am so totally that person who believes she has failed as a parent if I go to a conference and get a bad report on a child. No matter how constructive that conference is supposed to be…my whole method of parenting…and the way I view my parenting abilities falls apart if my kids aren’t well behaved and reflect poor test scores/grades.
Well….I knew it would happen. one day. Today I went to Clarissa’s conference…and I was so embarrassed…..and thinking I am the worst parent on the planet…cause you know..it’s all about me..right? Clearly…cause f it was about my kid she would be doing well. right?
See how horrible I am on myself? I come home and think …” I am not a good parent” Forget that! She has her own mind, personality and weakness’. Then I think…oh no…her jacket is dirty….she has a hair out of place..so now that my kids is struggling academically, not behaving..she isn’t pretty either? No hope. WOW!
After I leave and bawl my eyes out…I realize Ok….STOP!! This is ridiculous! You need to re-group. YOu need to focus and get her there. What are the “real” issues.
Clarissa is so dang stubborn. She refuses to ask for help. I know part of it is her own personality…the other part is our house hold. Her older brothers will make her feel like she is stupid if she doesn’t know something. They are always in competition with each other…critical of each other…that has trickled down. She watches and learns everything…this is her perspective. So she won’t ask question for fear of looking dumb. Then when she doesn’t want to do something because it’s difficult she talk… socializes..doesn’t listen in class. She doesn’t want to do things that will stretch her mind…she likes to stay in her comfort zone. LOL
WOW!! Wasn’t I just talking about this?
So let’s not make this about me…but inadvertently, I am raising a mini-me……She reads people and knows people’s hearts and feelings. She knows how to people please.
This week we bought her new snow boots. She wore them for the first time to school yesterday. When she came home I saw her wearing her bestie’s older boots. I said “Why do you have Shelby’s boots?” She said “Because Shelby wanted to wear mine”…while looking down at her feet. I said “Ok…well tomorrow you tell Shelby to give your boots back…Or I will call her dad”…She looked at me horrified like..I can’t say that to her. Today she came back with her boots….I said “what happened” She smiled….and said “Shelby said we had to trade cause her Dad told her she couldn’t do that again”..LOL Clarissa was so happy she had been rescued. I wanted her to learn how to take care of it herself..and she was saved again..which is perfectly fine. But I am the same way. I struggle with this acceptance thing and I am 34…WHAT am I doing to my kid?!!! I want to scream inside..it’s like a generational Curse! So enough about me. LOL
I will put my BIG..Big girl panties on and I will make sure she does better in school…but I have just had this inner war for the last 2 hours…
Why do I let outside things matter. How can these outside things influence how I think or feel about myself? Something as simple as that can ruin my whole self image..the way I view my parenting…and think I am a failure? Clearly we all have stumbling blocks and struggles? I want to believe I am not alone in this? right? Does it get better with age, experience…spiritual growth? Intellectual growth? Probably all of the above. I am tired just thinking of how far I need to grow and learn. My brain is already tired. LOL
I know part of it is that I want to be a good mom so badly..that I hold that role in such high regard…that if i fail in some tiny way…I might as well have failed everything..their whole lives will be ruined because of me….all or nothing attitude. Why do I have that?>
Well I got up after 5 hours of sleep..YAY ME! LOL. I made a deposit at the bank…was making my way to Wal-Mart and realized..I better call because if i walk all the way to the back of the store and that department isn’t open I am going to be upset….Yeah..Thank goodness i called….it didn’t open til 9. I could have stayed in a nice warm house? Ahhh well.
So Beth came over today…Beth is my binder. She is making a bunch of cute Christmas quilts to sell at a craft fair next weekends. I usually trade her binding services for quilting….and well at this time of year..I can’t quilt 8 quilts…LOL. So she is using my second long arm. It’s nice to have company during the say when I am so frequently by myself. Several times she said”Ok I need to work…I can’t multi-task like you” …LOL. Well darn it…I get a friend over and I chat their ears off..because I am not used to having anyone around…..Oh I hope when I am 80 my kid and grand kids come to visit or call me…I suddenly got a glimpse of why my grandma says she loves it when we call.
But poor Beth…LOL she got 4 quilts finished…She had to rip out a bit…..but it’s all a learning curve..she told me if she doesn’t show up tomorrow ….I can keep all the quilts. LOL Yeah..rough day for her.
Rob had a “talk” with the boys. They cleaned and organized their rooms..they look so nice….we have stuff to go to the good will. They also got half the family room painted..that is the project this week…so maybe by the end of the week we can have it finished…I think Rob is taking off Wednesday and Thursday….and he already has a 3 days weekend…so he can dedicate time to the house…I am at a point where I just want it done. I know this isn’t extreme case of home renovation…but I already have so much going on….I get bidgegity. Yes that’s a word. LOL
Tonight was bible study. That is such a good place to fall. I can be honest and be myself. Velma offered to adopt me. LOL Do you remember a couple weeks ago when I talked about that? That tinge? Velma didn’t know about that and she was just displaying her love for me…and I honestly LOVE her for that. I know God is just bringing me mothers and sisters in Christ to life/lift me up. I ask for that so many times….and when you are an unwanted child there is a void that is always there…I think only other unwanted children know that void. But I actually think I am beginning to feel some healing. When you let go and let God …amazing things happen.
So we are ending our study in psalms next week and starting in proverbs..if anyone wants to work along with me ..i will let you know what I am ready everyday? We can discuss it. If you want?
Well It’s getting late….I need to finish up my dinner and get some work done..have a blessed night.
Well I decided today that Rob and I should go Christmas shopping for the kids. Usually we make several trips to Wenatchee (an hour away) and try to get shopping done..then we have to wrap everything right away because we have nosey kids.
Rob isn’t exactly fun to wrap presents with..LOL. He thinks he needs to have all the cool gadgets and supplies on his side of the room..and I am supposed to wait 30 minutes to wrap my gift until he figures out how to wrap each one of his..this year..I am buying him his own gift wrapping tools..and I get mine..they will be labeled and color coded. I guarantee you …he will find a way to lose his and take mine!
I have to tell you all that I really love my DH and I drag him shopping…he isn’t really a “shopper” ..but when it comes to the kids I think he genuinely likes to shop for them. He likes to really know what they open on Christmas morning…and quite frankly when it comes to the boys ..I would rather him shop for them….cause I am clueless. But I have to honestly say this year was HORRIBLE. I was even at a loss as to what to get the girls. We finally figured it all out. But when your kids already have so much”stuff” it’s hard to shop for them. I am also not one of those parents that buys them a bunch of useless stuff…the only useless stuff they get is in their stockings..candy..little toys…that kind of thing..but our stockings are so huge..LOL. I spend a small fortune in those anyway. SO we decide what the plan is going to be…..what we are going to get each of them…and fill the lay-a-way cart. Then we find out lay-a-way is closed. DANG! LOL. The guy said we could park our cart and come first thing in the morning. Thank goodness.
It’s nice to get it out of the way…not spend hours upon hours shopping and taking trips out of town…just for Christmas shopping. We still have to get for the adults we have to buy for…but I will probably have to do on-line shopping for that. We get to have Christmas at our house this year. YAY! We are rotating between our house and my ex-husband’s house. He got to host last year..and this is our year. He lives two hours away…We decided it was better to spend the holidays together than splitting up the boys….and the other half of my kids. But also because both families get to spend the whole holiday with our kids. I am so thankful for that. When we split them up ..Christmas just wasn’t Christmas….one day while Landon and I were arguing about the rotation..we just decided it needed to change.
Why not? SO we have kind of made our own games and traditions…..I am pretty proud of us. Our kids come first….always. I think all the parents in my situation believe that.
Anyway..so tomorrow…I will get kids out the door..then race to wal-mart and get my items on lay-a-way….Darn it! I have never done lay-a-way but I am so glad because it makes me feel like I have it all done and taken care of ..and the items get to hide at the store..rather than in my closet. One more thing off my to-do list.
I have to say…I am pretty proud of Clarissa…she has almost all of her lines memorized for the Christmas play..she only struggles on a few at the end. I didn’t let her use her script at all during practice tonight. Carl has all of his memorized..the boys weren’t there. Jeri is doing alright….I just hate that I have to nag her to do it.
She is a teenager…I could be having worse issues. So I will let it go.
The boys came back and checked out their new room. They all love it. They all want bean bag chairs to play games and what not…WOW! I just see the dog getting a hold of one of those and then I will be swimming in stuffing….IDK?
Thinking on that one.
So a little interesting fact about Charisma…..I LOVE Christmas music….I listen to it all year long. I always get upset when I go to the music channels on my TV and they have one called “Holidays and happenings” or something….it is only good during the holiday season..I try it every time ..darn thing never works..I always just hope i guess that someone made a mistake and it suddenly comes on in June..no dice.
I was thinking about this the other day..why is that? Why is it that I like Christmas music so much? Well because it is always happy. I have never heard a sad Christmas song. Am I right? There may be a beautiful one like “Holy Night” but that is not sad..it speaks of our savior being born…that’s not sad. But for the most part they are fun and lively and beautiful. Speaking of that I got Michael Buble’s new Christmas CD…It’s fabulous of course..I also have his other one..also fabulous. I have been listening to it all week….So there is a funny thing about me. when I lived in Spokane they had a station that played only Christmas music during the holidays…On I loved that! Memories.
Another tradition in my family well not mine but my Grandma…She always plays Liberace on Christmas. As soon as people arrive she puts in her Liberace…It used to be an album..then it moved to cassette..LOL Now she has a CD. I think she gave everyone a CD one year so we could carry on the tradition. I am pretty sure i don’t have the CD…I think my brother may be the only one who remembers that. LOL I should maybe start that…..but IDK? My kids already think I am crazy.
Well have a great night..while your Christmas music lovin friend gets a quilt done!
Well today’s sermon I knew would be good. Tommy (pastor for newcomers)…asked for prayer earlier in the week because he knew this sermon would speak to so many people. You know if your Pastor is asking for prayer…well change is coming! Right?! I actually asked him for the notes (he usually records his messages on a lap top). I tried taking my bible and a notepad into church to take notes…but the problem, I have is that I will miss what he is talking about while I am recording what he already said..so I quit that…..the sermons are getting longer (which I love), so that means I can’t remember everything. But It is all so profound. It’s all building upon each previous lesson. Last weeks lesson…anyone remember? Pride.
I think there was so much in this lesson for me to grasp..I may take it bit by bit and write about it all week.I need to digest and study it myself.
This weeks lesson? Conforming…transforming ourselves to be more like Jesus. We need to let go of the negative stronghold in ourselves and be Christlike. What are strongholds? what are the things that get in the way of our relationship and transformation of Christ?
I am not supposed to be the best ME I can be…I am supposed to be the image of Jesus…That’s how God created me.
1. The World.
2. Experiences…what has happened to us..and what we have done to ourselves.
3. Relying on other people to have our relationship with God.
I actually think i am may be mixing up a few of the lessons ….I will fix it later if I have..so on these subjects….
Lets see..what do we all think I probably need to let go???hmmmmm Well this week going through this “trial” I got a few phone calls from some elderly women in my church. Very loving and nurturing.
One of them basically said…what do you expect when you take on so much? LOL Why do you think you need to do all of that? You are already a good mother, a good wife, you have a good family…a successful business and a student…then I see you work with the youth group…How much do you think one person can take? LOL
In all reality…I tell myself that I am not into “religious works” right? I am not beating myself up to do God’s work for the church….I am beating myself up because I am trying to gain acceptance…I wouldn’t even dare say acceptance from anyone around me…I know I surround myself with people that do love and accept me. At this point it is overwhelmingly obvious that God loves me…I am trying to gain acceptance of myself. No matter how much I “succeed” in any area of my life I still hate myself. How can I say that out loud? I can say that because I know so many of you all ( reading this) are afflicted with the same self -hatred.
What causes this?…well first ..what the world has done to me (stronghold one)…my experiences…(stronghold two). So many of my experiences have shaped my thoughts and actions. So lets see..why do I have a need for acceptance??? There are to many to count…but without actually thinking to myself “Wow Charisma …you are so worthless”….if someone asks me to do something I will say “Oh sure…I can handle that no problem!” Aren’t I really saying the same thing? Sure Charisma that vacation you were going to take isn’t worth it…just whittle it away until everyone around you gets what they need first. Right? I can do that in a blink of an eye and not know what happened until it is already gone. I already knew my stronghold before getting to church this morning. God has worked on me all week about this.
How to re-train my brain to actually think about what I am thinking…I am already exhausted with thinking about everything , analyzing my every move…and thinking about the future. I can’t sleep at night because my mind is constantly racing…I have to have the tv on…to actually sleep. I put on a show or something I have seen a 100 times..so i am not stimulated to watch it…I already know what’s going to happen but it keeps my mind occupied enough to fall asleep for a few hours. That is not healthy ..right? I live in fear of having to get up to go to the bathroom..because once I am up..it is hard to go back to sleep.
A few months ago I justified my habits to myself. I was reading my bible one night and looked up what a Godly wife is supposed to be. The godly wife wakes before her household….and the Godly wife goes to sleep after her household. There is a whole bunch of stuff in between… but I focus on …”Oh OK ..well I am just doing my job…clearly sleep is not for me”…that’s ridiculous right? Totally wrong!
These negative strongholds are more difficult to deal with than pride. I am telling ya! I think (dare I say it) that if I can get a hold of these I will really start to flourish! But in our sinful nature we like habits…and hate change ( I am totally guilty!) so thinking of letting go of those comfortable places we dwell almost seems foreign….doesn’t it?
I have so many to think about personally and professionally.
I mean my professional life is documented ..as you all know. This week alone..I had to get rid of my comfortable place on my old PDA. That was such a secure place..where so many of us dwelled and chatted….and now we have this place. I hope we can make it a comfortable and positive place for us.
Remember a few weeks ago when I wrote about the sermon of relying on someone else to have a relationship with God? Well my Pastor was very strong in his convictions this week to say we absolutely cannot rely on anyone else. The chosen people relied on Moses to go up and talk to God for them..their faith was in Moses not God. We need to study and educate ourselves. I try to do that all the time. Hence the perfect wife thingy..right? See how I can twist that up and justify my own actions….and serve my own purpose?..this is why we need to study for ourselves…if some one is relaying a message to you ..you are getting their perspective..their thought process and their experiences.
We have just learned that the world and our experiences and religious teachings have a HUGE impact on our thinking. So why rely on them. Look it up yourself.
There are plenty of things I don’t agree with…even people within my own church. I don’t judge them…I don’t even doubt them or what they believe. That is not for me. I have good friends in many different religions …or religious backgrounds…People who don’t believe in God at all..I don’t judge them. I love them. That is all I am called to do..just like they love me. So I just want to say to all of you..I accept responsibility for my own spiritual growth….I do take this responsibility seriously of telling you my own experience..my own thought process and putting out there….in the world… my vulnerabilities..not because I want to shine light upon myself in anyway. I am all for the GLORY of God. I want you to learn from me…but I want you to learn more about God and your own selves so that you may also want to be Christlike.
I love that so many of you look forward to the sermons every week….because it makes me “feel” ( even though we learned that feelings lie..LOL ..) like I am on the right path.
There are so many other things to discuss with this sermon…but I think those are my initial “personal” thoughts…as you all know sometimes I have to sort out certain other things as time goes on.
First strong hold to conquer (as always)…Love myself as God loves me.
I hope you all have a blessed Sunday.
I feel this is a good time to post a quilt I made for a special friend of mine. I posted it on a quilting sight…but She happened to have prayed for me this morning and I want it to have a special place in my new blog..not just mixed in with my gallery.
The Cross Quilt
This quilt is so special…I think it is my most favorite quilt of all time.
I was “inspired” on how to quit it. I actually asked a friend to piece it for me because I had so many deadlines…I gave her all the fabrics and pattern..and I had a vision of how to quilt it.
I quilted straight lines on the cross to represent the lashes Jesus took for us (me). I quilted scriptures in random areas around the quilt because his truth is woven in all the vines of our lives. I noticed when the quilt was on my frame that my friend had sewen a block out of place..I was going to take the quilt off the frame and rip out that block to fix it. It was divine. Honestly! Because the block that was out of place happened to be white when it should have been colorful. Isn’t that representative of us? Our relationship and Life with God? We are colored with wrongs and then he wipes us clean and we are made pure again. So I actually quilted that square as if it had been part of the original design….the reason? I had chosen a pure while backing fabric. When you turn the quilt over..it’s perfect..you can’t tell that there is a block out of place…and you can still see the lashes represented….The back is symbolic of what we can be….with faith in God.
If I ever make this quilt again I will always purposely make a colorful block “white” …but I would purposely choose a different block every time….so it’s one of a kind.
OK so do you hear the tunes? YAY! you can turn them off of course…lots of Frank Sinatra and Michael Buble…My Favs!
I DID IT MYYYYYYYYYY WAAAAAAYYYYYY! Love that!
Well today I didn’t get a lot accomplished..I felt like. I was going back and fourth between computer stuff….quilting…phone calls…meals and pushing the boys to get the room finished..and guess what?? Molding is up and painted..their sofa is in there. rob is currently getting all of their TV’s and electronics hooked up….For those who don’t know the plan…I have 4 boys they have two rooms…every other year ( it seems) they switch up room mates..or arrangements. So now they have decided they will keep 2 sets of bunk beds in one room with all dressers…and then have a media room for all of their “stuff” They have a TV for video games..and one for TV-movies. This new set up will keep them from having to compete with each other..have enough room for the wii…and whatever else. plus have a place to entertain their friends without their beds and stuff getting all messed up. That will be nice. They are taking much more pride in making their beds and getting everything more organized.
Tomorrow is Sunday..we don’t get much done on Sundays…you know how that goes…but the boys will be coming back home tomorrow ..so we can empty out some more stuff and get the family room ready to paint.YAY! But there is already such a big improvement for the floors…they are so easy to clean and it smells so much nicer down in our basement. Between dog accidents and smelly boy socks…carpet was not a good combination for the boys’ rooms. It’s like roses now. I wonder how long that will last?
We need to get everything in order..Carl’s birthday is just around the corner…and he wants to have his friends come over. Carl is turning 14. He is gifted intellectually…he is also a very gifted artistically and a sensitive boy. But socially he is “different” …the really good thing though is that he has a core group of friends…Carl told me that they each have “weird things” …and he even recognized that is probably why there were all friends. See how insightful he is? Anyway…he hardly has guests. I think it is stressful for some of his friends. Bryce my oldest son is a “popular,” critical boy that (I think) causes issues for Carl’s friends to come over. When they realize Bryce will be here they don’t want to come over..or some of them just have their own social oddities and don’t stray far from home. So Carl will go there from time to time…..but he doesn’t ask very often to go else where.
Anyway so getting back to the party…..he wants to invite his friends over ..he is so proud of his new room and all the work he has put in….I think it’s cute……er I mean “cool”.
Well I need to finish another quilt…have a great night!