That is how I feel today.
I am stressed….I am worried. I am so many negative things..despite that this week I can see all the blessings I have recieved. I thanked God so many times today for the big and small blessings. But It seems with each blessing he gives me I feel so much more that I need to do. I know that is not HIM. He tells us we don’t need to DO anything. we are supposed to love him and his people. But I was watching something today …..I got to thinking …love language. Right? For those of us who always think we have to DO something..is that our love language? There are many peope on earth who don’t feel the need to DO anything when they logically know they don’t have too….so why do some uf us ( many of us women) always feel like we have to Do something. We are always trying to SHOW our love. We also hear things all the time like “actions speak louder than words”….”You can read a person’s body language” Aren’t those all secret codes for …”Show me you LOVE me?” I know we have to separate other people from God…..after all his love is unconditional. It’s AGAPE Love….other people in our lives aren’t equipped to love us like God does…so we have to therefore “Show” our love through actions, gifts and words. Or whatever else..it’s been awhile since I read the 5 love languages.
From my perspective when we “Do” things for God…we are actually refining ourselves…in a way. Right? I mean if we have a personal hang-up with greed (money) if we start giving our money away…something changes within us and we don’t hang on so tight..right? We learn that God is more important than money.
When we build walls because we are trying to protect ourselves…we learn that we are missing out on so many important things in life. We are told we need to Love and Forgive…when we choose to do that…our eyes open to so many things that can be possible. We can see hearts change ( like the Grinch right?…Give it up for Cindy Lou Hoo..she did what God told her to do!). That doesn’t mean we will never be hurt…..but what happens when we are hurt is that we are more eqipped to handle the pain….because we are never alone. We know God loves us no matter what. He cares about our problems big and small. I have to remember this all the time. I am always listening to people around me and afraid to talk about my issues….because it always seems like I put everyone else ahead of me. Which is also a way to “show” my love…right? I don’t mind. I just need to think about myself sometimes.
I never thought I could leave the country and work in a poverty stricken village but when the opportunity presented itself..I didn’t even hesitate…I knew I was supposed to be there. It was a part of my refining process…I changed. I am a person who is allergic to mosquitos, I don’t camp well..and when I do camp..it has to have a bathroom..showers..running water. LOL So to know what was coming and not think about it…WOW!
Part of my refining process is also accepting the blessings God bestows upon me. I can’t question what He does…good or bad. I have been so conditioned by earth and life that I accept all the BAD things that happen to me…waiting for the other shoe to drop. Constantly. But when something good happens I have to process. What is WRONG with me? Honestly…..? When something good happens I think I am not worthy…or something bad is going to happen to me now …so I would rather just not have a blessings because I don’t want the aftermath..you know? But I noticed today that that is slowly but surely going away…I mean, Is it true that we can really change our thinking? because I was just greatful. Grateful for the grace given to me by a woman this week. grateful that I can pay my bills. I was even greatful for a front row parking spot at the grocery store this week, Grateful that all of my kids are getting good grades…and each one is preparing for college. Where I came from?? That wasn’t talked about. my kids are preparing…talking about it and planning. If all of my kids actually go to college…I will feel like I won the lottery ..Honestly! I know that education is going to be their ticket to a healthy life. I don’t care about money or “success” the way the world defines it….We enrolled Jeri into her classes or her senior year ( next year) we made sure she had all of her required classes….it doesn’t seem possible I have a child going into her last year of High school? I feel like I was just there in many ways. But the time is here…and I don’t know that any of us are ever “ready”
So many blessings today…and I am just at peace with what God has in store for me. I am also just thankful that my train of thought can change. I am not immediatly going to the “wait for the shoe to drop” mode. I am just thankful that I am worthy of grace….and blessings. I am worthy because of Him…not because of what I “Do.” But I want to “Do” things because I want everyone to see Him ( Love) through me. Pretty amazing huh?
Well it’s going to be midnight soon…I need to catch some Z’s after I shut down my studio. I am always running on empty.
Oh but “lifestyle” update. I did poorly for about a week. I find myself doing well for about 4 days then 3 days off….because my family is home those days. It’s difficult for me. still going to Zumba..I have to talk myself into it sometimes. but I have been doing well so far this week..I think I had one bad day..but hey..one step at a time. I have lost 10 pounds…but I still have like 100 to go…so drops in a bucket..but I figure that 4 good days a week is better than no good days a week..and i need to make it a change and maybe 4 days is all I can handle at this time. Eventually I can make it 5 days a week…and what not. So there’s the update on that.
I hope you all take your blessings with thankfulness!