I keep thinking…..How does life change so fast? Seriously…I know we all say it, think it and really mean it. But how does time escape so quickly? I had all of these little kids at one time. I thought that those years would never end and I felt so overwhelmed so many times. I was overwhelmed financially…I was overwhelmed with housework, keeping up with all of their needs ect.
I even left Clarissa in a hot car once….by accident because she fell asleep and I forgot her…It was only a few minutes..but honestly when I hear the hot car stories I feel for those people because it could have been me. I could have been one of those parents. I also drove off with my son chasing the car one time….it’s a funny story that my kids tell now…but it makes me feel bad every time I hear it.
But once we found our groove and adjusted to having 6 children..things evened out and we all had a great time…most of the time.
Now I am trying to adjust to having only 2 kids at home and in a few months I will only have 1 child at home. There is such a sense of loss. I think some of that is just bound to happen because it’s life. But now I think it’s especially difficult because my adult children aren’t making good choices. So I don’t get to rejoice in their successes. They aren’t having any success. So not only do I get to grieve the loss of our past….meaning the good memories and chaos, energy and lively home that we had….I get to grieve the loss of the dreams I had for my children. It’s so difficult. I know that all parents must have to go through this. I think that I am approaching 40 and I am still learning so much about life and love and parenting….I sometimes just want to ask God why…..Why can’t I just get an A+ in any category and just move on. Instead there is just no conquering any lesson. Instead it’s just a constant climb up the ladder….you graduate from one rung and go to the next. There is no time to rejoice or reveal…because there is another lesson. That is how I keep feeling.
I am not sure I am ever going to be a good “parent of adults” because I just have a difficult time letting go….I have a difficult time watching their mistakes and letting them exercise “free will”. In fact I suck at it. It’s better for me for them to be out of my sight. Having my heart ripped into pieces is unbearable. I think about God and how he has to go through this every minute of everyday and I have a new sense of how wonderful he is. Then I think of all of changes again…
Then it’s the little everyday things. I don’t need to grocery shop as much. I don’t need to make such huge dinners. All of that takes less time. Which is nice. But It’s difficult to cook for 2-3…it honestly is. I freeze a lot of meals to use later so we don’t have to eat the same thing for a week. It’s an issue. But we also don’t have to eat a bunch of casseroles and what not to make the budget stretch.
The laundry is easier to keep up on….but the house is still just as dirty. I blame the dogs for that. But the dogs bring so much love and joy to us…cleaning up after them is a minor chore.
so many things are changing and it’s been hard keeping up and keeping myself centered. But I am getting back to myself. I am really looking forward to my trip to England and Scotland. walking 86 miles at my own pace and just connecting to God, myself and whatever God brings me each day sounds like just the therapy I need. I sometimes feel guilty that I am taking that much time away from my family….but in the end…the truth is that I need it. I need to find myself and get centered. I can’t seem to fully do that when I have all of the responsibilities of my life.
that’s just a few of the thoughts I am working through currently. I realize that I am not the first parent to go through these things. I also know that I will survive….I will be better because of all of this at some point. I will make it. I have faith. I am finding peace. I know that I have God and he is with me and my children. he loves us all and I trust that everything works out for the best…according to his plan even if I don’t like it.
Thanks for all the love and support you all give to me. It’s amazing and beautiful. It keeps me going everyday.