My First Run #378

HI friends, It has been busy around here. I have been busy with quilting. But also with training for my first run. I have been jogging & swimming. I have been eating right and obsessing about the “First” Race. I signed up for “Turkey On the Run” In Wenatchee, WA. It’s in a town about an hour from my house.

I wasn’t really racing….right? I mean is it really considered a race when you are just hoping you make it across the finish line before someone else? Anyone else? I actually knew I would be able to accomplish that and I was really in a race against myself.

Charisma first run

 

The truth is that I have never been an athlete. I don’t have the genetics for it….I am not coordinated enough to be any sort of “special” athlete with those talents or abilities. Which is completely fine by me. I have plenty of other talents that I am blessed to have. On top of not being born with those abilities …I had to learn to disassociate from my body at a young age to survive my environment. Due to that survival ability ->I am kind of just discovering my body and being connected to it. I think the jogging & swimming are helping me because I really have to be in tune with myself while completing those tasks to accomplish the goal.

So this was actually a HUGE deal for me personally. I lost 85 pounds and I have been training for this 5K. A 3.1 mile race that I had built up so huge in my head to mean so much to me. I think it’s because a few months ago I got winded going up my own stairs in my own house. I would have to hold my breath (not on purpose) to tie my shoes because of my belly. To think that a miracle like a little bit of hard work each day can accumulate to jogging 3.1 miles in such a short amount of time is just well   -> AMAZING!

I was not fast by any means ……I didn’t care about my time. In all reality I don’t even know what my actual time was….because I waited for the crowd to go first before I jumped in to go. I think the times are logged by a microchip…I will have to wait to see what those results are. But I did have on my own personal app to tell me how long my miles were. I was somewhere in the 12-13 a minute mile range. Which was perfectly fine for me. 4 months ago when I started walking I think I was at 19 minute miles or something like that.

A week ago I decided not to let the fear & doubt creep in. I was already obsessing within myself if I could actually jog the race. My goal was not about time..it was only about jogging the whole time. I didn’t want to have to stop and walk at any time. I know that’s not a failure…..I commend anyone just being out there in the race. It was just my own personal goal. I needed that push. So when people ( like Rob) would tell me not to fret about it…there was no shame in walking….I cringed. Yes…to me personally I would have felt like I failed. That is not the goal I had set for myself. So a week ago today I had decided that I would just go ahead and jog the 3.1 miles to see if I could actually accomplish the goal because otherwise I would have been a basket case for a week.    I did it. I cried…..like the ugly cry after I accomplished it. So I was armed with the information going into the race today that I could indeed accomplish the goal. I had to do that for myself so that I could sleep all week.

Charisma first run 2

 

But last night I was trying to explain to Rob…because he doesn’t understand me. Still after all of this time. (MEN!!). Self -sabotage means that I won’t let myself get to the race. I will make up excuses as to why I shouldn’t go to the race. I can make all kid of justifications. I could save gas $, I don’t need to prove to myself or anyone else that I can run it….I already did it. Who needs to be in a race anyway? I am not even a competitor. See they {excuses} just flow freely. But I knew if I just took the steps to actually show up I would & could accomplish my goal. The problem is actually getting there to start…I knew I would not sabotage myself once I started. I know that much about myself. I would rather not do something at all than do something half-assed (as the saying goes). Sorry for the language.

Charisma first run 3

 

So showing up …was the most important step in the process. …..Well after training and working hard for the months before that anyway. I have to say that I had feelings of love and support just come over me yesterday & today. I know that so many people get wrapped up in social media and texting ect. I got so much love & support from so many people that it really just lifted me up and gave me the confidence to follow through. I am so thankful for that. All of the good things that come from our instant communication …sometimes aren’t celebrated. I really feel like I have to share my struggles & victories so that people get a true view of my journey and while I do that I get so much love and support…it’s overwhelming & beautiful.

Rob and I drove to Wenatchee, yesterday for some shopping & so I could pick up my race packet. I drove the route of the race to get an idea of what I signed up for.  I realized that I was so thankful I had been hiking up Beezley all of those weeks and practiced running up hills because our route was very hilly.

charisma first run 4

 

 

So I have to admit that I was really nervous this morning. I almost started to puke. I had to really push those bad things out of my mind. I have to tell you all ->that I am like this with lots of things. I struggle with doubts, fears, & anxiety about lots of things. Every quarter of college I went through this. Anytime, I put myself out there…..I have just learned that if I am not struggling -> I am not growing. I have so much self doubt & worth issues that I have to fight them regularly.  If I am not pushing myself than I am too comfortable and I have to make myself do it. So I knew that wasn’t illness or anything other than my mind. So I know when I need to fight the fears and continue with the goal. I know that many people give into those and stay in the safe zones. I am not one of those people because I have learned in my own life that staying where its comfortable isn’t always safe. So something my dysfunctional family gave me was that skill…to leave and forge my own path. My own decisions are going to be safe even if I fail.

charisma first run 5

 

Once I started the race….I felt fine with the process. I followed the crowd….and I just stayed in my zone. The pace of the other runners didn’t really effect me or make me nervous. The only time it effected me is if I had to work around someone else. When you have to adjust your pace to move around someone or something. Which is difficult if you are struggling…..but I was OK with that. There was a particularly steep hill that I was really slow running up and I was so thankful to see that I was near the top…..well once I got to the top I looked around the corner…it happened to be a road where we had to turn & go back to the finish line…it’s about halfway. When I looked at the road down the hill it was FULL of people going & coming in their own race. I wanted to start crying in that moment but had to push those feelings aside. I had to complete the goal. But the emotions came over me because in that moment I felt like I was part of a community. The running community. This is a special club that accepts everyone…but only certain people join, right? This community of people that were freezing, smiling, running in winter. Something about this running thing has joined all of us together. I know it sounds so cheesy……( as my husband would tell me…it’s difficult to be vulnerable around him sometimes) but I honestly felt connected to them. It kept me going. I had all of these warm feelings well up inside of me. I am that unwanted child…..the orphan and sometimes those little things like being a part of a community just fills my soul. The quilting community feels the same way to me. I am accepted and I love that acceptance. The rest of the race didn’t seem difficult at all. I was never struggling physically or anything. I just stayed in my zone and listened to my music.

Crossed the finished line…and the tears were falling. I felt so vulnerable near all of those people that I buried my head in Rob’s coat and just cried.

Why would I feel vulnerable after I completed it? I don’t know? I didn’t have anything to feel ashamed or worried about….but I still felt the need to hide my face & cry.

I just have to also say that I spend a lot of time in prayer while I run. I know that you all know that I am a Christian. Some of that prayer is just who I think of during that time..stuff weighing on me. But other times it is all about survival. Not letting the devil win and take me down….not letting the doubts & fears win me over. I feel like God is with me coaching me….and both times I was able to complete my runs…..1 of my most favorite songs came on the radio…I know it’s cheesy……but I just feel like that God’s little gift to me. My reward for sticking it out.

Charisma First run 6

 

I am so thankful for this day. I am thankful for goals. Hard work. I am thankful that even at my age I can make myself go out of comfort zone. I am thankful for this second chance at life. I am signing up for another 5K in a few weeks. YEs! I am also going to start training for a 10K. 🙂

I am also going to start cross country skiing …as soon as we get snow. I am going to make this second chance count. It’s never to late!

I didn’t want to stick around ….my goal was met and I was ready to go to lunch. The only restaurant open on Thanksgiving Day was Shari’s. I had a great salad! The Northwest Steak Salad…I highly recommend! It was so yummy! I have not eaten at Shari’s but maybe 1 time in the last 15 years…..but that salad was so good..I may go back. Just saying!

I am just going to be real honest here as well. I wanted Rob to take pictures of this moment because it may be small to some ..it was HUGE for me. I wanted this moment documented and pictures to go with it. But I have to tell you that as soon as I saw the pictures….all I could do was beat myself up. I sometimes wonder if I will ever not have humility or Body issues? I Lose 85 pounds ( yes I still have more to lose) and I go down 5 pants sizes…..and I see these pictures that he took of me in my running gear and I immediately feel ashamed and fat.  But again, I have to push that out of mind….tell myself how far I have come and for goodness sake-> be kind to myself. I have accomplished great things…and I need to savor that for a tenth of a second…at least give myself that much credit.

So I was thinking that today of all days…I would maybe enjoy a piece of pie. Since it’s a holiday and all. I finished a race. But now I think I won’t. I don’t “need” the pie. Who cares if it’s a holiday? What is the end goal? Should I let a holiday or celebration of any kind get in the way of that goal? I don’t know? I am debating. But what I do know is that ..no matter what my life is changed and I am thankful for that.

Everyday I write something on my FB wall that I am thankful for and I love that November tradition. I have so much to be thankful for…..the list is endless. But mostly in this moment I am thankful for my body. With all of my body issues…the fat, the shame, the flaws……my body is a machine. She has endured birth-4x’s, she has endured abuse most people couldn’t ….by my own actions and by others. This body of mine has remained healthy in unhealthy circumstances. She should have given up on me long ago…she didn’t. She has been faithful to me. Now it’s my turn to return the favor. I needed to get with the program. I am here. I am living. I am proof that anyone can lose weight & change their lives.

Running-walking-jogging doesn’t cost anything. I highly recommend a daily walk. I promise you will feel amazing!

Have a blessed Thanksgiving!

 

 

28 thoughts on “My First Run #378

  1. Do not beat yourself up ,but keep reminding yourself how far
    you have come! The Bible says to speak words of life…so keep speaking positively about your looks and reaching your goals and you will get there!
    Happy Thanksgiving!

  2. If I miss church this week, I have just had the most wonderful sermon ever when I read this post. Congratulations on the 5K. I will never forget my first one. I kind of got short of breath and nervous, but got myself under control and did the route without any problem. At 70, I decided to do myself a favor and start walking 100 miles a month. I am now 72 and am still doing the walk. If I get a cold or an ache or pain, people will ask me if I think I might be walking too much. Isn’t that funny? Walking is healthy and free and I take days off. I met you at a quilt convention in Portland and you are a beautiful, articulate, spiritual young woman. You have a fabulous heart so put a smile on your face and keep up the good work. You are fabulous!

    1. Hi Susan! Thanks so much! You are fabulous! your first race at 70?….well that is just AWESOME!!! Just proves that it is never to late to start living a healthy life & setting goals! Thanks for sharing! Thanks for your kindness & support!

  3. You did it!!! First thing I said to myself when I saw the first picture…WOW YOU ARE LOOKING GREAT!!!!!
    I do the same thing.. Beat myself up, the anxiety usually gets the best of me! Be proud of yourself! Look how far you have come!! You ran through the fear and are a true winner!!!

    1. Hi Kat,
      Thanks so much! I think we are all our own worst critics. It’s a mindset we must change! Thanks for your kindness & support! You are a blessing!

  4. oh Dear One, you are beautiful even if you have some flaws that we can not see. To us you are a kind sweet lady inside and out. we all have thoughts of our own flaws. There are days that is all I see my flaws and fat I am at 160 and I see my 282. You are not alone in this Iam so happy you had a lovely Thanksgiving day. Love and hugs Pat

    1. Hi Pat, You know this journey so well…:) It’s such a process and we have to get our minds & body on the same page…it takes awhile. Thank you for always offering love & support! You are an inspiration because you are maintaining and living life! Love you!

  5. Nothing cheesy at all, Charisma! I’m so happy for you and hope you’re happy with you as well 🙂
    The sense of belonging is so important in our lives and there are many ways of doing it. We just have to find what works for us.
    You’ve honored your body, soul, and spirit! Thanks for the wonderful Thanksgiving post.
    Much love, Sue

  6. I applaud you my dear Charisma, You are my hero, I cannot imagine anyone ever hurting you, or that you are “fat” and have issues with your body. Your light shines so brightly that I think of you as an angel on earth, So talented, beautiful, and so loving that you make others want to be near you, and be like you. I give thanks that you are a part of my life, if only through electronic means, but I truly love you and wish you all the success you so richly deserve. May God continue blessing you as you bless others, You are a bright shining star for many of us. Keep believing in yourself as we cheer you on.
    Love and blessings, Roberta

    1. My Dear Roberta, You are so special to me. I sincerely wish we lived closer to one another. With all that you have gone through and here you are lifting me up! You are so amazing and lovely. I love you!

  7. I think it is interesting that when I looked at the pictures all I saw was the huge amount of weight you have lost and how good you are looking!!! You see “fat” but I see amazing progress. You are winning this and maybe you need to look at before and current pictures to see the benefits of your journey.
    Best Wishes for continued success.

    1. Hi Cheryl, You are right. It is amazing to see the before & afters. I think I just get hung up on how much more I need to do…which is a constant theme in my life in all areas of my life. Thanks for the reminder. Thanks for your support & kindness. I appreciate it! blessings
      C

  8. Self esteem & self worth are difficult but not impossible obstacles to overcome and many of us struggle with them. Its not enough for others to tell you how great you look, how wonderful you are; you need to believe it. It has taken me 50+ years to accept me and not let others and their perfections pull me down to feeling less than what I am. Eternally grateful that thru Jesus Christ I have unconditional love and acceptance. Believe in yourself. Trust your gut. Love thyself. You can do it.

    1. Hi Hope, Your wisdom is spot on. 🙂 It has to start within. If Jesus lives within us that we are Worthy. I keep reciting that to myself. Thank you so much for your wisdom & support. I appreciate that!

  9. I get it, but I’m here to say, YOU LOOK FABULOUS, and I’M SO PROUD OF YOU! You overcame your fears and doubts, and look what you accomplished, on so many levels! You GO, girl, you GO!

  10. Amazing to follow your journey. I just want to wrap you in a hug and help you learn to love yourself!!! It is hard for me to fathom what you have gone through, that you find so many faults with yourself. I pray and hope as you continue your journey, that these self doubts will diminish and you will truly love and trust the beauty that is YOU! Thank you for sharing. So very proud of you!!

    1. HI Amy,
      Thank you so much! I pray that I get healthy from the inside out as well! Thank you for your support. That makes me a little teary eyed that you get me. 🙂

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