I am 39 years old today. How is that possible?
This is the last year that I can say I am in my 30’s. I am OK with that. I have never felt a fear of getting old. I don’t worry about that for several reasons…but mainly because i have no fear of death. I think when I die I will be with Jesus and that will be WAY better than living on Earth. Do I want to die? No. I won’t do anything to make it happen. I have lots of work left to do here ( at least I think that….who knows what the real plan is) . So I will do my best to complete my mission. I have no premonitions about how long I will live or when I will die. I trust God to take care of that. But I really don’t ever picture myself old….is everyone like that? I make jokes about the nursing home when I am older…but I don’t actually picture myself there? But I do find myself wanting to complete things so that I am not leaving behind a bunch of UFO’s for my family to sell at a yard sale for 50 cents. IS that normal?
I remember thinking that 40 was so old when I was a teen….now I am almost there and I don’t think it’s so old. I am actually happy to be in this place and space in my life. Wisdom is a beautiful thing. I have come into myself a bit more with each decade and that is worth the aching back and the tiredness. I no longer have a fear of saying”no” or disappointing someone. I can’t please everyone and I don’t need to.
I get better at saying what I mean and meaning what I say. I will no longer be a door mat for anyone..even my family. We have had hard lessons this last year because of that. I am also not going to compromise my beliefs for anyone.
I have had an extraordinary year. Meeting new family members and discovering my heritage. Dealing with pain, divorce, illness , graduations and changing lives…it’s been a heartfelt 2016. I am honestly glad that it’s over halfway over. LOL . It’s been a difficult year.
I am the youngest of my core group of friends to turn 40…..this has been the year for most of them and they have had these BIG parties and events. It’s been so fun. I honestly have been so blessed to share my life with my core group of friends. We have been friends for more than 20 years and we have lived life, talked, cried, buried loved ones, celebrated births and danced the night away during divorces and weddings. I would not be the woman I am today if not for my group of friends.
I think one of the biggest lessons I have learned in my life is that we get to CHOOSE our lives. We get to choose who is in our lives. Recently I was talking with my therapist and I was talking about “family” and trying to define what that is for me. I keep having to define it because mine changes so rapidly…..even if we don’t know it- we all have expectations and definitions of what family is to us. I realized that my definition was all wrong….in my heart it was right…but in my mind it wasn’t.
I have marveled that in my life when I have trusted myself, made my own choices and let God guide me …that those choices are always blessed. Correct and work out the way they are supposed to. When I let the definitions in my mind get in the way-> I have issues. I was born into a family that didn’t like me…that didn’t agree with my values. However, It refined me in a way to know what I don’t have to live with or put up with…..I think we all have that to some degree. Now as I am losing my birds to the “world” each year and struggling to re-define my life….I am gaining new family members and losing a few distant ones, again because of their values and addictions. It’s difficult. No matter how old I get….I guess it’s just like a garden. You have to prune and weed to get good growth.
So I choose the people who get to share life with me and it’s a privilege for all involved because then we all are here out of choice, not obligation. It’s a beautiful thing to have freedom.
I think that’s what I love most about my chosen life. Freedom. I am no longer stifled by “rules” and “obligations” ….I am always stunned by people my age who do things because they think they have to….why do you have to do anything? if something is so painful? Life is too short…live it. I have learned to let go of a lot of things and not put up with things that I don’t have to. My “have to” list is pretty short as well.
I think at this age I have learned to recognize my patterns of behavior and acknowledge it ….to either change it or keep dealing with the consequences of it..good or bad. It’s like that with everything in our lives….but some people go through life oblivious to their own faults and think it’s “everyone else” that needs to change.
I am aware of my own faults and some of them are slow to change….but I am also not beating myself up about them because I have learned that when I do that …I spend less time learning to change it….because I am always recovering from my beat up sessions. It’s a bad cycle.
So I will have to see how my 39th year will be…Hopefully it will be a graceful transition into 40…but knowing me and my life…it won’t be. I guess my middle name isn’t Hope for nothing. We can always hope, right?
Well Thank you for being a part of my journey. I truly appreciate all of the love and support that I get from each and every one of you. The comments, emails, business, and support is treasured. I am uplifted and blessed by you daily and am truly thankful. I thank God for all of my abundant blessings!
Here’s to 39!!