I am 38.

Well Today I am 38 years old. I am not afraid of getting old. I am actually looking forward to 40. I have always heard from others that the 40’s are a great. Better than the 20’s & 30’s.  Mainly because we may know ourselves a bit better and we come into your own. I hope that’s true. Also during my 40’s I will be entering a new stage in my life of losing all of my kids and becoming an empty nester. That’s what happens when you start early. 🙂

I am not sure I am real happy about that part. Being an empty nester will be difficult for me. But we shall see. Maybe I will like it because I will have money, healthy foods in the house and a clean house? right?

How do I feel about all of this? I don’t really know. I just started a new journey and I am still in the throws of that.This weight loss journey isn’t easy…by any stretch of the imagination. But it’s a piece of the puzzle that I need to work on. So I am doing it!

I have lost 47 pounds this far. I am walking most days. I am sleeping better because I can actually breath without all of the extra weight. Its’ amazing how fast all of that has turned around. I can actually sit on the couch in my jeans….before that I would just take my jeans off the minute I entered the house and put on my pajamas. Now it’s not an issue because everything is loose and comfortable. So that’s really nice. I have only gone down one size….but that’s ok. 3 more pounds and I will show some before & after photos. I am still not seeing the weight loss on myself…so it will be nice to have the side by side. So that’s where I am on that front. 🙂

I am also learning (again) in my family (the one I came from…..if you can refer to it as family) that they can go to extreme lows. Don’t dare tell them “no” or “stay away from me” They are so sick & demented…& not used to hearing “NO” that they have to make a big deal about everything. They don’t care what they do to cause havoc on everyone around them…it’s all about them and what they want. All of the hope I had for them to change went out the window within a week of them getting out of prison. Nothing has changed. I have heard so many times that we can never give up hope. I know there is always Hope where there is God.  I am done. In all actuality none of us have anything in common. They are only half siblings anyway and I am sorry that I have to claim that much of them…..They are shameful and only intend to hurt anyone in their paths. It’s their mission in life. Hopefully, I will never again have to deal with them or their mother. I hope the best for them…I really hope they change their lives. But I don’t care to see how their stories end, anymore. I just want them to become a very distant memory. I can’t reflect back on my childhood with any good memories ….most people wish they could go back to their care free lives…..my childhood was anything but carefree…and I would rather have one rough day in my life now than for all of those years…that speaks volumes.

I feel blessed with the family that I raised. Even in our difficult times ( which we have had…believe me) ….my family is so much more healthy. I am so incredibly proud of that. Honestly. My oldest son is struggling with some things personally and he is seeing a therapist on his own. Makes his appointments and attends. I am so proud of this. Why? Because many people think that counseling is a waste of time….or that we don’t need that. I have seen a counselor most of my life. I will go when it’s needed & for maintenance. There is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it. If you can have someone help you process & sort your feelings….why would you not go? Why not go to someone who has been trained….and works with many people. The family I came from thinks that they don’t need it…but their lives are constantly in turmoil. Weird. Right?  When I heard that this was happening I was so incredibly proud. Even when you think everything falls on deaf ears …while you are parenting. Some things do sink in.

All of my children communicate well ( mostly). They are learning proper conflict resolution. I thought of this other day. You know Donald Trump is in the news a lot right now because of the primaries. I don’t want to share my political views right now…well mostly because I don’t know where anyone stands on issues. The issues are being glazed over currently. However, I really dislike that anytime Donald has an issue with someone he calls them a “Loser”. IS that really helpful? Let’s say why you have a disagreement with them?….let’s try to resolve the conflict. Why do we have to hurl insults and smear them?  This is how White trash argues…not the White House. . ( trust me I come from white trash I am very familiar with it…they can’t come up with anything concrete..they hurl insults, swear and then start with violence..& obviously take what they want…at any cost) I am wondering if this is why Donald is high in the poles currently? I am a conservative as most of you know….and even if he has good ideas..I am having issues with the commotion he is starting. I try to raise my kids to figure out why they feel a certain way. Why do they want to throw that punch? Or how to go to someone and properly communicate and this is what is displayed in the media by a potential presidential candidate?  Even though I wonder daily if I am in the Twlight Zone when I look at the media or news….I feel I need to raise my children with a higher standard. They are already in that space..I can see the fruits of my labor in small ways. Thank GOD!!

I feel in just two short years when I turn 40 I will see even more fruits of my labor. Each year things become more and more clear. I keep striving for better things and improving myself. That’s all I can do is try to be better than I was the day before.

At this point in my life I am feeling like I am handling things better than I did before..I see things more clearly. I am being more mindful of what I am spending. I am more mindful of what I put into my body. I am thinking long term and I am making healthy choices..in most areas of my life. That is way better than I was in my 20’s. I am not trying to please anyone that walks into my life. I am living to please God and my family.What more can I do?

So how does it feel to be 38? It feels better today than it did yesterday. I am not one to make a big deal of my birthday or anything. I just think it’s any other day…..But it does give me pause to think about how far I have come and to look forward to what’s ahead. Each new day is a blessing.  As long as I believe that I am thankful for each moment. Each year things change at a rapid rate and as much as I would like to go back to some times in our lives and relive them ……I know that’s not possible for a reason. We only get one life. ONE chance and I need to take each day ,moment, minute, memory and love them. It is mine.

Happy Birthday to me.





3 thoughts on “I am 38.

  1. Happy Birthday, Charisma. I have not known you for a long time, but you are an inspiration to me — altho you are younger than one of my children. God bless you!

    Love, Pat

  2. My 40’s were the best years of my life, but my 50’s are awesome also. Age is so much a state of mind! Enjoy your birthday, and remember that it only gets better.

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