Things have been moving slowly around here. Or I should say I am moving slowly around here. hehe. This is a personal post about my feelings in this moment.
I am not in any pain. In fact I wake up every day feeling just fine. But then I get up and get going and then somewhere along the way I lose all steam and shut down. I know I should rest more and what not…but it is very difficult to do around here.
Part of the reason that I am the size that I am is because I don’t have a lot of support at home and I am the one who has to take care of everybody else. I think my family doesn’t realize how much I do. I am realizing that while I am down how much I really do….and how much I can’t rely on them. I am not saying this is a resentful, angry way. In a matter of fact way. I can barely ask them for something without getting sighs or they don’t do something correctly and then they get upset because I don’t want want they got me. I am not a selfish or ungrateful person by any means. I am just astounded at some of the behaviors. I try to lead by example…I thought when you served your family they would learn service….and maybe they will. But at this point all they do is complain about my choices. They are more worried about themselves and what might change in their lifestyles because of the choice I made.
I am so upset. I know that this is a process. I know I will have bumps along the way and that I will have to process them as they come along. But having an unsupportive family will probably be my biggest hindrance. As it always has been.
I know that this isn’t a miracle cure and that I took a lot of risks and that I have to change a whole lot of things fast…for myself.
I just wonder if my family understands how uncomfortable it is to be overweight?
I know they don’t.
In all ways not just physically. I have body shame like no other. I avoid mirrors and I have an on-going reel in my head that will tell me lots of ugly things about myself. I had to do something drastic to try and end that barrage of insults.
I also know the long term effects of obesity. There was nothing pretty that was going to come down the line if I stayed the way I was. An early death being one of those. So if that’s the case…me being dead certainly isn’t going to do anything to serve them….but they think about what is happening right now. I know they aren’t putting that together….but I am. I want to enjoy them long term. I don’t want to leave them early. I want to enjoy the fruits of my labor. My husband thinks I should rest when the house is falling apart at the seams. He doesn’t understand that just because he can live in complete & utter chaos..that I cannot.
I also feel like they are all watching me like a hawk to see if I will make any mistakes. I hate that. They aren’t doing it out of concern…but out of judgement. I know what I am supposed to do. I did this to get healthy so why would I sabotage myself by hurting myself in the process? It’s unbelievable. All of that was because in our diet phases ->I was told to stay on clear liquids for a week. However, the nutritionist said to pay attention to our bodies and if you were struggling you could move to the next phase at 5 days. So that’s what I did. I immediately felt better. I hadn’t had a meal in over a week….and my tummy wasn’t hungry..but it was acidic and achy. Once I gave it something a bit fuller it calmed down. I had thinned cream of wheat. I didn’t pull out fried chicken or pizza and try to kill myself. Yet I receive judgment? It’s crazy.
It’s as if they don’t know who I am. I researched everything. I am rule follower. I plan to take full advantage of this experience. If I need therapy along the way I will get it. If I need any type of assistance I will find it. That’s how I am. Why do they not know me by now?
What is so scary about introducing them to some healthy meals and having a healthier mom & wife? It’s just stunning to me. I can’t say I am surprised but it really makes me evaluate myself and what I have done wrong all of these years. I have created this pattern and now I have to create a new pattern. It’s a must and I think it’s going to be painful. For ll parties involved..but now that I am down and seeing for the first time how real this all is…well I can’t complain or get angry about it. I can only start changing it with myself. That means I am going to change it with love…but it is happening.
I already feel better & lighter. Since my process has begun I have lost 26 pounds. I am still not ready to state what my beginning weight was…because I am not proud of it. That will come after I feel better and I have lost some more. The scary part is that I am hard on myself for that…I think in 5 weeks I should have lost more. That’s more than 5 pounds a week…and anyone should be happy with those type of results, right? That is the mind games I am experiencing.
Other than the emotional trauma I have been experiencing (due to my family) ….I am just low on energy. My mind feels normal…and I want to do everything I normally do. I should be taking advantage of my time off….but with the light housework and things I “have” to get done I feel wiped out and not in any way able to complete much. I hope that dissipates soon. I am not feeling very creative or anything. I just am. Which I guess is OK…..I am not sure.
The kids will all be gone this weekend and Rob will be working….so I will be by myself. Maybe I will get back into a normal swing of things.
Hopefully. Thanks for listening to me. I am probably just suffering from a lot of things…and this too shall pass. But it helps me to write it out in my process. I know many of you have probably faced this situation and maybe have some words of wisdom for me??
If not please just send some prayers and good energy my way. I need it.