As you all know we have been dealing with matters of the heart a lot lately. I am weak and tired. My discernment has been off…or rather I have not been trusting myself (God) when it does come through. That’s an unsettling place to be. I have been listening to that still place in my self for so long and it’s a bad place to be when I am not operating there. I feel everything crashing in on me.
We had an incident that I wont speak out on this weekend. I called it before it happened. In fact I said it a few times and it happened. I could say it was a coincidence? But I don’t believe in those. It was my discernment. But I didn’t trust it enough to act on it. Hold my ground and stop it from happening. I hate those moments. Something HORRIBLE always happens when I don’t act on them. So now I have to wait. Wait on God. I know he will take care of me no matter the outcome. I am not scared. I am just going to accept it. But I am mad at myself. Mad that this is where I am.
Rob & I are hardening our hearts. As much as I don’t want to happen….as much as I know I shouldn’t let it happen we are letting it happen. I think we both feel it’s the only way to protect ourselves. We don’t want to help anyone anymore. We are tired of being burned. It’s one of those things that only works out about 10% of the time. Honestly. That’s how low we feel right now. I have dedicated years of my life to service and I am ready to throw it all in and just forget it.
You all are probably sick of hearing this. I know. It’s so painful for us we can’t get over it. We wept on Friday night wondering. How do we let go? How do we just exist without a piece of our hearts outside of our body making poor choices? Nobody tells you how to do this. This is one of those painful lessons you just have to live through. Rob is in so much pain he just wants to cut her off and act like she doesn’t exist. That seems more harsh in black and white than it really is. But we are talking about a man who took in a little girl from the moment he saw her, claimed her as his own and she has never reciprocated that love. He has protected, loved, provided and cared for her. She doesn’t honor or respect him in any capacity. The wounds run deep for him. Not many people have reciprocated this type of love that he gives. He feels he is unworthy most of the time and every time this happens I have to make sure he knows that he is. It really kills me. We are all worthy.
I can’t blame him for wanting to protect himself. I would do anything to protect his heart and make life easier for him. But I can’t ever in my wildest dreams turn my back on my child. It’s like I have invested all of my soul into someone and I can’t walk away from all of my hard work. It’s so much more than that ….but it’s the only way I can describe it. To turn my back means I think that person wasn’t worthy and I made a mistake. It’s not about pride its about not abandoning someone I love to the depth of my soul. My heart just weeps knowing this is where we are. Why was not one lesson I taught her learned? Why was not one value absorbed? I cry out and wonder why she was brought to us if we weren’t properly equipped to handle her or help her rise above? I wonder if this is what I am supposed to learn? That nature just takes over and it didn’t matter? She is who she is when I got her and she will not change? She has the power to change…..she has been handed every opportunity but she likes her craziness and the division she causes every where she goes. I called this situation before she left our home. I knew she would divide us all. This is what she does….with everyone in her life. She can’t manipulate if she doesn’t divide and conquer. Oddly, that happened again this weekend with someone not involved in this situation what-so-ever. I saw the manipulation they were trying to cause and use the “divide and conquer” technique and Rob called him on it. I love that about my husband. He sure doesn’t talk alot but when he does..it’s powerful. People listen.
I have learned to accept that my mother isn’t going to change, my brother and sister aren’t going to change. This is a result of the choices they make. Why am I surrounded by these people? What is it in me that chose the narrow path? Why me? I used to wonder why God planted me in this family. I wished/prayed that someone else would adopt me. I’ve accepted that God knew what he was doing. I have accepted my extended family the way they are….that’s all I can do. So I keep my distance and I accept the prison phone calls on my dime just so I can be a light. I write the letters and try to raise spirits. I have learned that is all I can do in this position.
But to think that is the path my own child is taking? That is just a difficult thing to wrap my mind around. I am supposed to just choke back the tears, accept the scraps she throws at us and take a back seat in her life. While watching her manipulate and hurt people in her path. I am trying to not to accept responsibility for that. She is an adult making poor choices and other adults are letting her. How could a child that I raised be so selfish? How could a child that I chose to want……cause so much pain. I have to learn that she is not an extension of me. In some cases even if you live a good life…..demonstrate a good life…like I have done. It doesn’t sink in. We learn to be good parents that you have to LIVE the life you preach about. You can’t tell your kids not to smoke and then smoke. I never smoked. You can’t tell your kids that service is important you have to serve them and let them watch you serve others. I feel we have done that. I have also worked really hard. My husband has worked really hard. We have never just expected things would be handed to us. He is working 13 hours a day 6 days a week right now….and he’s worked more than that other seasons. I would never manipulate someone to pay my bills. So I feel we walked the walk and we walked the talk. Apparently it takes more than that? I feel inadequate as a parent. Why? WHY? WHY? Why was she given to me if I couldn’t make it work? sob.
You know how you come across a lesson in your life….and it’s like a lightening bolt? Yeah that happened this morning. We have all heard this in several ways…and demonstrated in different scenarios. This is not a lesson I haven’t gotten before but you easily forget when you are in a storm. And it was said so easily by Pastor T.D. Jakes……that it just hit me.
He said “Ten gallon people are sometimes put into families with pint size people”
He is referring to the heart. Size matters. I wear my heart on my sleeve….I am a ten gallon heart person. So much of me operates from my heart. But I have been planted into a family with people that have pint size hearts. That is not a “bad” thing. That just means that you have to learn as a ten gallon person that not only can pint size heart people can only give so much love …they can also only accept so much love. Pint size. So as a 10 gallon person to expect all that I give is unreasonable for a pint size heart. Also to give ten gallons of love to someone who can’t accept it is a waste. They can only accept a certain amount…they don’t understand the “extra” If we look at our own relationships with God that is true isn’t it? He loves us infinity. He created us……and he loves everything about us. Yet we can’t accept it. We grow to accept ten gallons worth or where ever are at in our process. But we can never understand his type of love. I have been planted in a family with pint size hearts. My mother, brother, sister, and now my daughter. I have been able to accept my extended family where they are. But I keep trying to “grow” my daughter into a ten gallon person who will trust and love. She can’t. I can pray that at some point she will…but that is nothing I can do for her.
So we are at this place. The place where indeed we have to let her lead her own life. Accept the trash she wants to throw at us because she doesn’t have love to offer. She has some twisted notion of what true love is. So on some level I think Rob is right. I think we do just need to act as if she doesn’t exist until she makes herself visible. It’s to painful to think about. I am not turning my back but I am shutting my eyes. I will open them when she comes around…….I will offer her a pint size worth of love when I see her. Just like I do with my other family members. I have to accept that I am not going to have a close relationship with all of my children. I can’t expect something they can’t deliver. I have to understand myself. I give all of myself to people in my life and I want the same. If they can’t offer that then I have to put them in the backseat. Just give them what they want/need from me and let go.
To think that I will have grandkids that I can’t give ten gallons of love to….that I can’t have all of those “experiences” I dream of is heartbreaking. ( I say that because I know she will get pregnant before she gets her act together…and she will be living on the commune) But people do it everyday. It’s not by a choice I made. It’s by someone else’s choices…..and that is difficult for me. I can’t make someone love me. I can’t make someone choose to love more than they want to…..and I can’t control it. *sob* This is the hard part of meeting someone where they are. It’s a tough place to be. We only ever want what is best for our loved ones. I pray……that one ay my daughter will be able to accept and offer more…but this is where we are and I just have to accept it.
But one issue I am struggling with is this: what does that look like to others? This is what my daughter uses to tear us down. That we don’t love her..we have treated her differently…..(actually a few of my kids have felt this way..it’s just that when they start to mature they understand…she has never matured). So they will see how we interact with our other children..believe her lies and then try to compensate her for the “bad” parents she has had. It just kills me. I am supposed to keep my eyes on God and know that he is leading me to this path…..but it is very difficult to let the people who should know better think these awful things about you? I know the answer is to just “shut it off’ and “shut it out.” The truth does come out in the end. sometimes the end just comes alot later than we want it to. I know not all of my kids will be far from me…I will be close to several of them. I will be close to my grandkids…and it will be genuine. But that will be organic , natural and safe. It won’t be that way with my oldest. She doesn’t do things that way. She can’t attach properly. Can I truly be held responsible for that? I think not. I can’t be held responsible for someone else’s actions…even if it is my child.
Yesterday the boys and I had a good talk about all of this. Not specifically these issues. But life issues. we teach people how to treat us. Bryce has a girlfriend. It’s a new relationship…and at least Bryce hasn’t really had a relationship. He’s been on a date and dated a girl one time for two weeks. He has really good discernment and reads people well. He likes good girls and he believes he deserves that. I love that about him. But his current girl is kind of insecure. She doesn’t want him talking to other girls. He sees this as a red flag. Just as I do. He told her that she can break up with him but he doesn’t deserve to be treated that way because he hasn’t done anything wrong. He feels that he deserves honor and respect because he is a respectable man. I told him that is exactly right. These patterns start early on in a relationship and if he caves now then it will only progress. She needs to honor and respect him early on or give into her fears. He hasn’t done anything wrong. If he does..well that’s on him and he will need to jump through the hoops to prove himself worthy. teh boys and I all talked at great length about any and all relationships. We all have gifts and weaknesses. It’s how we use them,serve and honor people.
It made me feel better because where one child is making poor choices..another is making good ones. All is not lost. They all talked about how they will make mistakes. I told them we all do everyday…..I don’t ever want them to feel they can’t come to me…but the true lesson is how you learn,grow and change. I have a problem when you don’t. So I used Jeri, My brother, sister and mother as examples. I feel like they truly grasped the lessons. Especially from their sister because they have been growing up with her side by side. They have also been hurt by her….and again I had to explain why she acts the way she does around them. They can pick out pieces of why they think she is wired wrong…..but they don’t understand the whole picture. It’s difficult to understand fully.
I also have a praise…….Clarissa has a new friend. She came home on Friday with a spring in her step. Her new friend”K” gave her a friendship necklace. Clarissa talked to me and told me about her. She told me that “K” was a christian and I happen to know that’s true because i attended a bible study with her mom and grandmother. I told her I was excited for her and I am glad she has a new friend. After I dropped her off at my friends house…I cried for her. God is helping her heart heal by bringing her a new friend. I am glad because I know this new friend is growing up in a healthy happy environment and Clarissa can feel safe and secure in that type of relationship. It will be good for her….even if it if fleeting. You just never know with girls this age..but Clarissa is loyal to a fault. Once she has a friend she stays forever. I don’t know where she gets that from? But she has a play date at “K” house Friday. YAY! Some other prayers are being answered and I am just so blessed.
I have also learned another thing about myself.
Sermons. I really need some sermons aimed at the heart. My pastor gives really good sermons. He likes to dive in and give you the history lesson and the context of the word. Which is really good. He also applies it to our lives.
However….I sometimes need a sermon that just speaks right to my heart and emotions. I need words that I can apply to my heart and then my life. So I will have to supplement in some way with podcasts and what not. But I think that will really help me. T.D. Jakes did that for me today. I am going to try a few more. TD just has a way of saying what he does and it just gets right to me. Every time I hear him it just gives me all of these light bulb moments..I sometimes have to rewind it and hear it again. I would encourage you all to find what works best for you…try a few things out to see what really speaks to you. My heart has been wounded recently and I just needed a fill up.