Well I just have to say that I really love all the love and support and outreach that has been poured out from yesterday. Honestly….even though we are miles apart and we have never met in person….I truly think that there is a reason….for all of this. That we are all here to lift each other up and share. I will continue to pray for myself and for you. Your stories touch me deeply as I know your pain.
Yesterday was my Ladies night bible study. I refreshed and read the story of Hannah ( even before I posted my post about transitions) and I have always loved Hannah’s story. I can’t even really tell you why…it’s something deep within me. But I learned yesterday why…..she and I are alike in a couple ways.
When Hannah is ribbed and in constant pain because she is barren and her sister wife..kept rubbing it in her face that she has lots of babies and Hannah doesn’t…..What does Hannah do? She goes to God with her pain and cries. She continues to love her Sister wife. She doesn’t fight back. That is how I am.
When she is at the alter praying to God …she is crying out to him and talking to him and the Priest asks her if she is drunk…she corrects him. I would have reacted the same way ( many of us would). This part of the story has always made me think…was he really a man of God? Shouldn’t a priest have some discernment? ( i know we all have a bad day….so I can’t say) The priest then blesses her and sends her away.
But she told God that if he were to bless her with a child then she would give him to God. Then came Samuel and as soon as Samuel was weaned she took her little baby and literally gave him to the Priest so he could raise him up to be a Godly man. Indeed he was….But why do I share all of this?
As I was driving down the road yesterday..crying about my situation I realized….she only got a short amount of time with her baby ..and she had to literally give him to the the Lord. In that situation there are many ways as a mother we could have justified keeping our baby and raising him. We wouldn’t trust someone else to do it, we want to nurture him in our own way..we can’t let go and Let God’s plan work. I don’t think it was any coincidence that I was studying Hannah yesterday…..she got less than two years with her child…I at least got 11. So I have to let go…..clearly I am not the first woman ( I knew that already). I can’t imagine that it has been easy for any of us.
So I actually feel much better today..I just need to keep steadfast in the plan. I need to keep remembering that it is not my journey. It is my daughter’s. She will have to live with her choices. Tough Love. God practices it on us. He doesn’t rescue us….he doesn’t fix everything with a magic wand. He lets us learn from our choices…as good or bad as they are. So I will have to shut down my helicopter …no more rescues here.
SO again thank You for being so open and honest.