Grieving

I am grieving.

As much as I don’t want this to take up much space in my blog…currently it’s taking up to much space in my head.

The story gets worse. I am trying not to watch the news or read reports today. I don’t want my life to revolve around the latest updates. Yesterday was a good day until the 11:00 news last night. My brother was also involved. If the reports are right…he introduced a blow torch as a form of torture. I know the investigation isn’t over….I know all the charges have not been brought out. But honestly if my sister is only charged with second degree kidnapping..because she has a prior record that means only 12-14 months in prison. That doesn’t seem like enough time. I am praying they add more charges. If a burglary happens..the guy driving the get away car is charged with the same crime as the guy that pulled the gun and went into the store….right? I think it should be the same here! Do you know if a person rapes an animal they get more time than if they rape a child? None of it is OK…..but a child is kidnapped, raped and tortured and they could just get a year in prison? I am bewildered. ANGRY! Mad! And I want justice for this poor girl.

Clearly she has her own set of issues….if she is involved in drugs at 16. But I pray this draws her close to God and she gets out rather than dwelling further.I hope she can heal..I know the only way she can is through Jesus.

Then I go into a wave of grief. I tried to protect those two kids. I helped raise them..being the oldest. I am just sorry.

Then the devil gets in my head and says…..you aren’t worthy. You didn’t do a good enough job. You didn’t help them. You didn’t do this or that.

Then I want to turn on everything in me. I am ashamed of who I am. What they have become…and think to myself “that is me”. This is who I am. I have this running through my veins. How long before I act like them if they live in me? Maybe I shouldn’t have bred this kind of evil. Maybe I am not even fit to be a mother myself….how could I pass this on?

Why does he get space in my head? How does the devil do this?

I AM NOT THEM!

JESUS LIVES IN ME!

GOD SAVED ME!

I have to keep chanting this to myself to rebuke the enemy.

I woke my husband up in the middle of the night. I feel sorry for him. He is speechless. He doesn’t know what to do. or what to say. He has to work long hours ..and I needed his comfort & was selfish cause I needed him. He provided that comfort to me. He does just what I need. I am thankful.

I am beating myself up for grieving. I walked away. I RAN away. I got away. Why is this affecting me? Why can’t I let it go? Why did they do this? then all of the other hows, wheres, whens…it’s really endless.

I don’t want evil to come upon any of them. I want them to try on Jesus! I want them to die to themselves and pick up their cross. I am grieving for their lost souls. I am grieving for their pain. I am grieving for my lost family. That next nail in the coffin that confirms I won’t ever have a relationship that I would love to have with them. I want a healthy loving relationship….and I will never get it from them…..

But God has provided me with many friends & HIS family. He thinks I am worthy. He has carried me, delivered me and stays within me. I do feel really vulnerable right now. I just want to give up…..I feel weak. But where I am weak he is strong. I feel like I can’t concentrate, my voice is weak…..and I can’t collect my thoughts. I need peace, strength and protection. Please pray for me..I think it’s the only thing keeping me going.

Your friend.

C

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “Grieving

  1. when we are at our weakest he is at his strongest keep holding on and praying God is there for you, and I think you are being the best Mom you can be for your kids. I’ll be praying for you.

  2. Praying you will find peace. You did not cause any of this. You are strong and you have God in your life. Turn it over to Him, he loves you as all of us here on the blog.

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