Even though I work for myself…and often my days run together there is still something about Fridays. I know my family will be home for two days..even if they are doing their own thing….I just like the “buzz” of activity. You know?
I am have a rough time letting my kids grow -up ( as always) …Rob had to give me the lecture last night (again). It’s spirit week…so there are several activities going on at school. I have serious trust issues. Jeri kind of ruined everything for me….that’s after my own up-bringing & my siblings ( so she’s not completely at fault). So I try so hard to protect them from themselves..I just have this need to know where they are ..who they are with and not let them experience anything that will make them stretch their wings. Logically I know this isn’t right or good. I know they need to make some bad choices so they can learn…..I know this. But there is a certain level of trust that I don’t have…. I guess, in myself. I should be able to trust that I raised good kids that know right from wrong. Dealing with Jeri and her illness has me reeling. Logically..I know she is ill and it didn’t matter. She was/is always going to make bad choices. so along with not trusting myself….because I couldn’t help her. Along with not having a proper gauge growing up of what is safe and not safe….I am white knuckling it and hanging on so tight I am smothering my boys. They are somewhat resenting me for this. They know why…..they tell me all the right answers. They thank me when I do let them out of their site and they have done nothing to prove me wrong ( so far) that they shouldn’t be trusted. I seriously need to get this in check…but I feel anxiety and sick to my stomach thinking about it. The whole control thing….the whole smooth sailing ship thing…All of it is my need to keep peace within myself and has nothing to do with them. I will feel so guilty later when they can’t problem solve..or manage themselves because I have control issues. What is wrong with me? I feel like they are my most precious gifts and I just want them to be safe and secure….my need to keep them that way will keep them from flying on their own. I also feel like it is a reflection on me. If they don’t become productive members of society it’s my fault. If they make mistakes it’s my fault. But if I hold on to tight ..they are going to become serial killers with a mommy complex. LOL ( see the stuff that goes through my head???)
So I am trying to get in a healthy space in my head..that my junior in high school can go to activities with his friends without complete supervision. It’s scary. I know some of you are probably wondering how I have kept them in this long? I know? It’s a miracle honestly.
We were going to go out of town this weekend but had to change plans. Bryce is going to homecoming with a friend…he’s not real excited about it. His girlfriend dumped him several weeks ago..after we went through all of that “mumbo jumbo” to ask…seriously? So since it wasn’t like a real date..we were just going to let him stay with friends. But then Carl got a date. It’s a blind date with a new girl in town. She is a niece of a church member. I immediately discounted Carl when they called….because he hates social situations. We tried to make it through a dinner with strangers a couple months ago..he got such bad anxiety he created a scene. Which is really unusual….and embarrassing. So I am not sure if he is just rebelling against me because I said “no” or if he is just so curious. I also think he is so much like his father….that a blind date is the best kind of date because there is no history. When you live in this town you know everyone from kindergarten….and he is pretty choosy. Plus he is the invisible child. Even at school. The other thing is that he is highly sensitive…and would hate for anyone to feel bad. He felt bad for her because she didn’t have a date and really wanted to go. So my heart is thumping a mile a minute because his need to love and have compassion is stronger than his fear of social situations. I must be doing something right? Or maybe not…he is pretty easy to raise.
Rob and I immediately went into over drive mode. We cancelled all of our plans. It’s like DEF COM 5 Mode. LOL
For a normal everyday kid….a first date is exciting. But you know your child will flounder through and figure it out. Normal everyday kids get math test anxiety. They worry about their appearance and what people think about them. They try to fit in and conform. Asperger kids aren’t that way. Carl accepted the fact that he was different years ago. He is who he is. A math test is like any other paper ( cause he is genius smart) and that doesn’t make him lose sleep. A social interaction like a date has us ALL petrified. We are all holding our breath for tomorrow night. We have to give him all of this help without over-whelming him..or he will panic more. So we are all on a slippery slope…trying to manage. I wish we would have had more time to prepare..but then again that would be more time for him to back out.
Rob started coaching him. I have to spend some time with him teaching him how to slow dance…and I think I need to take him on a practice date so he will be more comfortable. Teach him manners ( he knows proper eating etiquette) about how to treat ladies. Opening doors, pulling out chairs…letting them order first ect. His biggest issue is going to be engaging in conversation. Starting one…keeping one going ect. Which is usually a male issue anyway but him having Aspergers is a huge back step. He just answers questions and says what he needs to say. He doesn’t elaborate. He doesn’t want to make small talk…ect. He doesn’t talk about himself or his family..everyday things like normal ( I hate that term cause he is normal) people. So I was interested in hearing what Rob had to say to him on this subject while he was trying to prep him. His biggest advice was to let them (her) do most of the talking about themselves. LOL I kind of chuckled inside. That’s also a strategic plan so they themselves still don’t have to talk. LOL. Just keep those hens chattering on about themselves…and act like you are listening?? Is that really sound advice? Seriously. I wasn’t going to but in because it needs to be a father son moment…..but coming from Mom..I would say I listen alot….and I am always interested in hearing about everyone else. So we shall see. Maybe it’s different for teenage girls. But if she leaves the date not knowing anything about him…how will she be interested in seeing him again? There needs to be something she likes about him? If he doesn’t share anything about himself……I am not sure that will work out?
We did give him a good back up plan….Bryce will be at the dance with his friends…..so if Carl is really having a difficult time …Bryce said he will help him. Let him hang out with them so the girl doesn’t get bored out of her gord..ect. I am excited for Carl. I am also in panic because..she doesn’t know what a HUGE step this is for him and it could make or break him. What if she was mean to him or ditched him or something? It would crush him. He is really sensitive and he is going out of his way for her. I would have a hard time not lashing out at someone..I will just say that right now. LOL I will cry then I will go into Momma Bear Mode. I will be calling their whole family. I know there will be nothing I can do to fix it if it does…so I am just praying that they both have a good time and it’s a success…not as in they date or anything ..I just want them both to have a good time and for him to make it though a date without fearing for his life. That way I will feel better knowing that he may someday get married and have a family. He has so much to offer. He is really a good boy….and so CUTE! His anxiety just usually rules his life…and he needs to know how special he is. So he is going to get his clothes ready today..he is perseverating a bit ( which is what Aspergers do) and his nerves will be paralyzing until it finally happens. But the boys are boosting him up because the girl happens to be really pretty ( or HOT as they say) and they are proud of him. Good Grief!
I may not make it through any of my other boys dating either! So I will keep you posted. I will post pics of the boys and and their dates. I ordered her corsage….figured out dinner plans. Now it’s just waiting for the date. I am happy for him….and excited. But also sad that all of my kids are growing up and in a few years he will be gone. I pray we have taught him everything he needs and of all the kids he will probably be the one I am most scared to let go of. Jeri was difficult because she was the first ( I know you are all thinking….I don’t know how it could get any more difficult than that? after everything I have written about..LOL) and she is ill. That was hard because I knew she would have a hard life and letting her go knowing that was so difficult. But Carl is so soft & sensitive and literal. I just don’t want life to hurt him and kill his softness. I think he will have a good life….he has great things in store for him..it’s just a matter of how much of him he will share and let us see…after the world has hurt him to many times. Of course as his mother I want everyone to see all the beauty in him that I see. but I can’t control it…can I?
We also have a few funny things going on around here that I will share…in a few days…I am waiting for all the applications ( from my kids to come in..they have a deadline) to be my “golden child” I will explain more on that later.
I am busy working and trying to get my cutting table in order. I have so many half started projects…it’s driving me crazy. Why do I do this to myself? So my goal is to finish something this weekend…just so I can see it again. 🙂 Well and maybe start something new..or two? You know like we all do.
well I should go for now..I need to make deliveries…and get things in order for when the kids get home. Have a blessed day!