Family Changes

This is a personal post that I am sharing so that I can document things for my family. 🙂 So if you are not interested the personal story of my family please scroll past to the lovely quilts.

Oh it’s been a long haul.

when my kids were little and people around me told me that when they became teenagers I would have my hands full….I thought..”Oh No, I don’t think so…….my kids will never be like that”

LOL! I was in a fantasy land.

Teenagers are so difficult! with all of the issues of today and in our culture I don’t even know how anyone makes it through safe & sound. Having 6 children and 5 of them being teens at the same time…4 of them boys…..Well lets just say it’s been a ride.

I tease …half heartedly that I have PTSD from raising teens. I actually do think I have some trauma from it….because it’s full on war-zone from the time I get up until the time I go to bed. I wake up and it starts all over again.

I think there is a few things we have done right and a few things we have done wrong with our kids. But sometimes I wonder if it really matters because of the way the culture of society is with the entitlement and selfishness of kids today. No matter how much you try to instill good things in them the culture of today influences them.

Although, we are a blended family I have never let my kids pull that line that says “I am just going to go live with my dad” ..for several reasons. Trust me…When Bryce was here and he has a strong personality Rob, My ex and Bryce were all begging for me to let him leave….and I wouldn’t. The reason was because I knew if I let him go he would hold it against me that I gave up on him. He would also not work on any of his issues. I would also say to all of them….if we were not a divorced family and there was no where to send him…what would we do? I mean Clarissa doesn’t have a split household…so when she acts up…who are we going to send her too? I just knew that deep in my soul Bryce wouldn’t handle that well.  And we could get him to work on communication and skills somewhat…it was difficult but I knew it could happen.

Now Preston my 16 year old is having issues…..and we aren’t getting along. The problem with Preston is that he refuses to go to counseling and I am at a loss as to how to help him. The second issue is that Preston is an immature 16 year old in a man’s body at 6 foot 2.  I have sat him down to talk to him several times about how he treats Clarissa. He treats her like a brother…so he insults her and hits her. She weighs less than 100 pounds and she is tiny. She is having some self esteem and body issues because of the way the boys treat her. She doesn’t realize it yet….and the boys don’t understand. Even though us parents have talked to them several times. Preston refuses to quit hitting her and talking to her this way. So I have 2 deal breakers. One he refuses to get help from a counselor..and 2 he is abusing his sister- even if it isn’t consciously.

So I have asked him to move to his dad’s house. My daughter deserves to feel safe in her own home. I can’t meet someone where they are to help them grow learn and mature if they aren’t willing to meet me along the way. There is no accountability. This was a difficult decision for me. But I feel like I have to capitalize on the resources available. If I am tapped out and I am at a stand still isn’t it a good thing to use 2 other parents that are more than willing and capable to take on the task? Maybe if he has the same issues there (minus a little sister that he can’t abuse) he will understand that he has some work to do on his part and accept responsibility for his actions.

Now that Preston has been planning on leaving for a few weeks or so….Cole has taken on the task of feeling like I have given up on Preston and that I am a lousy parent. Cole has some different issues going on….he feels a sense of abandonment from his brothers. Bryce left after graduation, Now Preston is leaving and Cole absolutely hates change. He feels lost and he makes poor choices when he feels lost and out of control. A few things in his personal life have not been going the way he wants them too either and he is taking all of this out on me. Which is fine I have broad shoulders and a strong back. But due to his impulsive decisions and not thinking things through -> he has made some poor choices and it’s difficult to balance those out for him. So he was debating on leaving and convinced himself that he has too…..but has since changed his mind again.

As parents we have all said that they can’t yo-yo back and forth and it’s not helpful to anyone in the long run for that to happen because they don’t get stable long enough to learn how to work on communication ect.

I am thankful that these 2  kids are not “trouble” with the law or drugs or anything like that. They are just immature and not seeing past their own noses to understand what is best for them. I have to say it’s a bit nerve wracking to let them go….. They are going to be in a big city….more opportunities to get in trouble. They won’t have a parent home watching their every move because the 2 parents will be working ect. But I have to let all of that go because in the grand scheme of things…I have done a good job. They know truth. Cole is going to be 18 in a few weeks..so technically an adult?   It seems difficult to believe.

So Now I have gone from just a few short years ago to having 6 kids under this roof to having 3  as of today. One of them being an adult who is graduated and starting college in the fall.  One is a senior and thinks he knows how to be a better adult than me. The other one is 13 now. Learning to cook for 5 is going to be difficult…I must confess. ( Preston was a big eater and ate for 3) the restof us in the home are no longer big eaters and I will need to learn how to cook differently.

I think we have enough food to last us a long time!! LOL

This has been a terrible few weeks and it’s just part of the journey. I have peace about it all because I know I have been a good mom. I have not been perfect because nobody is….but I have been a good mom and provided a loving, stable, safe home for my children. That is more than I was given as a child. So it’s time to release them and let them come back to me re-newed with a new sense of self. I do that in faith and hope. God knows and loves them more than I do…so He will take care of us all. He promises that.

xoxox

Charisma

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “Family Changes

  1. Charisma – I went through your journey many years ago. You are wise and faithful and a good mom. It is easy to feel like you have failed, heaven knows kids seem to tell you often enough, but I pray you have strength and perserverance. My kids are older with kids of their own now and understand how the struggle was. I think they love and appreciate me even more know. I a glad you are letting someone else help you shoulder the burden. As hard as it is to let go, it will give everyone a chance to take a breath and regroup. You, and your entire family – close and extended – will be in my prayers. Think of the journey you have been on this past year and draw on that. Getting through this will be like conquering that mountain you love so much! <3 <3 <3

  2. Been there, done that. Three years ago, we moved and “lost” three children that were living with us. Lost in quotes because one got his own apartment as he was preparing to get married, one went to college in a different town and one went on a church mission … all good things, but happening at the same time was a bit traumatic. Now we are down from my six to only the youngest two … and the youngest starts high school in the fall. You will find your way. You care so much and pray about your decisions … I have confidence that the Lord is watching out for you and your brood!

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