Happy Birthday Bryce!
My words cannot really express what I feel to have an 18 year old son. Bryce is the first child I gave birth to. It’s overwhelming. To think I am old enough to have given birth to a child this old. To think of all we made it through together. It’s the most constant & longest relationship I have had. I didn’t have good parents…I haven’t been married to anyone 18 years (yet)….and it’s been through thick & thin for Bryce & I.
I didn’t know how to be a mother ( I didn’t have a good example). I did everything wrong in the beginning. I doubted everything. All I knew is that I loved him. More than I thought anyone could possibly love another human being. I knew that I would protect him with everything I had in me. I knew that I wanted him to grow up and do great things.
Bryce has a discernment-> he can read people very well. He has a great intuition about people. He always has. I love that about him. Unfortunately he has yet to learn to refine those instincts. He needs to trust it more and follow it more often. He needs to use it for good rather than to be a snake charmer as I call him. He can sell ice to an Eskimo. I always say he is going to be a great used car salesman or politician. Neither of which I want him to be…I might add. His current plan after he graduates this summer will be to go to community college for a few years and then he is going to go to the university to get his teaching degree. He is very unsure…..he gets antsy and military is his other option. It changes from week to week as to what he is going to do……which is really causing anxiety in me. I just want a clear choice. But I know that 4 years is a long time and a lot can happen even if he has a clear choice now. I told him that he will have to leave home and move in with his Dad 2 hours away ( after graduation). I have to severe the ties with Bryce. I will never let him go if he is still with me. I will be checking his grades, bank account and interfering. I already know that. So as much as he wants to stay home and be with his friends..in order to be healthy & let him fly I have to let him go. He will still be in good hands. He will still have a soft place to fall. He really needs to have more time with his Dad so they can seal that relationship even more after Bryce moves out on his own. I think they both will appreciate that time together. So there are many reasons that the move needs to happen. But I have to say the lump in my throat appears just thinking about it.
My journey as a parent started this day 18 years ago. ( it really started when I got pregnant…but I didn’t understand it until this day)
I had a really difficult time when our oldest left home because she was in no way prepared for the world. I knew she could not make it on her own. I knew she would burn every bridge along the way. Hurt people and crash & burn. All of that was true. It was so difficult to let go because it’s painful to watch your child fail….in small and big ways.
I am not really worried in the same ways with Bryce. There are some things he could work on..like budgeting & saving. But he grasps the lessons quickly (sometimes). Bryce can hold down a job. He has common sense and he will survive. Bryce can put himself in sticky situations but he relies on himself to get himself out…..because his Dad and I make sure that is what he has to do. He doesn’t have someone coming into rescue him. I have to say Bryce isn’t happy about that all of the time but after he gets himself out he feels pride in himself.
Pride is something Bryce has to work on….:) LOL. It’s a constant issue with him. But he is actually aware of it ….so I guess that’s the first step.He is the oldest yet smallest of our boys. That isn’t good for his ego. He is a scrapper though and very scary when he gets mad…..We say it’s the white trash he got from my side of the family. I am not sure that’s a good thing? LOL but it’s true.
Bryce started working at Mcdonald’s this last week. Everyone has to put in their fast food time right? I am praying he can keep this job and maybe transfer to one in Spokane when he graduates. It’s a great starter job.
Bryce and I will always have a special bond. Through thick and thin we have made it. We love each other even when we can’t communicate. We can give each other a look that says everything we feel and understand it. Some of my favorite memories of Bryce from this past year are:
1. Dancing with Carl. Bryce has a HUGE ego and would never be caught doing something “girly”. However when it comes to helping someone he takes away his ego. He has always been this way. He would hold hands with a special needs boy. He finds great pleasure in teaching someone something they couldn’t do before. He tutors a special needs boys several days a week…he actually had to quit to work at Mcdonalds and it upset him because he had bonded with this boy and didn’t want the boy to have to start all over with someone else. But he can’t fit everything in. Carl needed help learning how to slow dance with his homecoming date and Bryce taught him in our livingroom. Which means 2 of my boys were dancing together. Not all boys would do that.
2. Playing with babies. He would really play with Reese or Elias when we visit. He loves babies and one day he will be a great father. He loves to make babies laugh. It makes him laugh.
3. Playing board games. Seriously he is the biggest complainer about family night. He thinks he is to cool to sit and play games with his family. texting or watching TV would be so much better….but he laughs, cracks jokes and says stupid things the whole time that all of us are dying by the time we are done.
4. When he finally got his license and started driving. He was so proud of himself. It took him a long time because of his pride and behavior issues to get that accomplished. Once he realized how much freedom and different responsibility there was in driving I think he regretted not doing it sooner. Which was good.
5. Our talks. I see how insightful he is when it comes to some things and I just hope he doesn’t lose that. I hope he learns to see his own choices and have foresight along the way.
No matter what happens I know he will know how much I love him and I am so blessed to have him as my son. He has taught me so many things about myself good & bad. I woudln’t have had it any other way. It’s was divine that he should be my son.
I love you Bryce! Happy birthday son. May you always take the narrow path and be blessed.