~This is a personal post…please bypass if not interested in those~
I am overwhelmed with gratitude and warm fuzzies.
I have shared many times how terrible my childhood was…and how I have overcome that. Conquered it and created a life & family for myself. I have a beautiful family and a blessed life. If you all just knew where I came from you would understand what a walking miracle I am. I am aware of this everyday. The things that maybe some people take for granted…I do not. I am in love with everyday normal things. I hang onto things bit more than a normal person should….and I am a hopeless romantic so I always have clouds and rainbows in my head anyway. LOL I honestly, think it was a good coping mechanism for me to survive the life I was brought into.
There were a few people that came into our paths and offered us ( myself and my siblings) warmth & comfort. Despite the most honest efforts and good intentions of those other people (not my mother in any way) who genuinely loved us and cared for us…most people couldn’t stay in our lives long because of my mother’s lifestyle and the fact that she didn’t want to be held accountable for her actions.
So in the last few years I have been making full circle connections back to those people who we (my siblings & I ) were robbed from.
I am here to offer proof to someone who isn’t making good choices while raising your children..that at some point your children will figure it out and know who was really there for them and really loved them.
My Aunt Marti is one of those people….We have been writing letters, sending packages, texting and talking…but she actually came to stay the night here and visit. I can’t tell you the feeling that over came me. It was like coming home again. Not a literal home. But a comfortable cozy home..where only love abides. I think we were so taken with each other. ..we kept staring, hold hands..and hugging. She kept looking for those signs of familiarity…She talked about how my voice was the same…my fidgeting is the same as when I was little and looking for all of those things she remembered. I saw them in her as well…..but mostly what I remembered was the warmth & love & comfort I felt from her all of those years ago. She spoke about how I was glued to her all of the time when she was around…and I am sure that was true. I remember always wanting to be near her. Children ( especially broken ones like me) will be attracted to good light sources. 🙂
She shared lots of family history so I could understand maybe some circumstances of life. Offering perspective. Despite all of the love and guilt she had for not being able to save us…she has no hatred for anyone. That speaks volumes of her character and the type of person she is. That is just so beautiful to me. She is incredibly thoughtful and brought some of her mom’s (my grandma) jewelry for Clarissa. Clarissa was taken by it..she wore a piece to school today. 🙂 and she is infatuated with clip on earrings now…Clarissa was cracking me up last night asking questions about my fractured childhood. It seems so foreign to her….that someone (my mother) would marry so many people..and have kids with different bad guys. I am honestly glad she thinks that is whacko and maybe she will choose a different path.
Marti and I are so similar..it’s so uncanny. A scenario would come up about me..and she would say..”I do that too!” ….She also confirmed to Rob that I was “Bossy” when I was little as well. My brother can confirm that as well. Hey…someone had to run that ship. I was just a wounded bird who had to be able to control something in her uncontrolled environment. Those coping mechanisms die hard….what can I say?
We had a nice dinner together and she got to experience what it is like to have dinner with my fun-loving family. It was a typical meal and conversation and…._> in that moment I just felt the pride I have in my family. We are imperfect..have flaws..but as the boys were reminiscing and telling their tales…I was just so thankful that those are the tales they have. They can laugh and remember so many good times and I was a part of providing that…..I don’t take 100% credit…God saved me and provided me that opportunity. I was just open to receive what he had to offer. Just as I am open to expand my heart for loved ones to come back and help me realize-> that all along God provided people in my path to help me along the way. I love those days….those days that I can see exactly why I am the way I am..and who left a lasting impression. I don’t know how anyone can doubt God ..when I experience him everyday..and in so many AWESOME ways.
So aunt Marti had to cut it short for some obligations and she left early this morning…I have to say I was sorry to see her go…. But we are already making plans to see each other in a few months a few states away can’t stop us from connecting.
My heart swells!
God has been bringing so many people from my past back to me. My heart is so full with love ….I no longer feel like an orphan. I know I belong to God and he always provides exactly what you need to fill those voids within your soul. I simply belong.
Belong is such a beautiful word. belong. BELONG.