This is a personal post 🙂 So please bypass if you don’t like my personal posts 🙂
Well My brother and sister have committed horrible crimes and really put me through a lot personally just trying to process how this happens. It’s not as if what they have done or do truly affects me. I mean it’s not that my life is affected-> I am not involved. I am just saddened by the whole thing and wonder why, how …ect. I think it’s normal…right? I mean I wonder that with crime stories of people I don’t know…but when it’s someone in your own family …it’s just a different level. My brother took a deal. He will have to serve 27 months. I don’t know what to think about this? So I will just leave it be….nothing is up to me.
But what I do know is that even in the most horrible of situations…God has a way of bringing about change…or bringing people full-circle.
It’s amazing how it happens.
So my ex-step Dad didn’t father any of us..but came into my life when I was 7..I am the oldest. My sister is the youngest and she was 1 when he came into the picture. I was already wounded when he came into the picture…and he has/had a personality that was difficult. I think some of that could be the drugs…honestly ( although he will deny that). He and I didn’t part on great terms..I left home at an early age and told him I wanted nothing to do with him. That was over 20 years ago…..I am aging myself here. I don’t agree with many of his philosophies and he contributed to my dysfunctional childhood in a great way. However….when he left my mom…he got into another serious relationship (over 20 years ago) and had 2 girls. He has stayed in this relationship and raised two beautiful girls….One is 19 and one is 18. From what I can see they are happy-healthy girls.
My brother has stayed in a relationship with my Step-dad the whole time…all of these years. So whenever my brother gets in trouble I call R …to check in find out whats going on ect. R has tried to help my brother for YEARS. Why he hangs on is beyond me? Honestly. So I had no problems talking to him or visiting when we ran into each other…I wasn’t angry anymore..I just didn’t have him on my radar…..it was like a distant memory??? When I would talk to him ( about one a year or so) he would ask how I was?…what I was doing?..how my kids were ect. When we would end the conversation he would always tell me how great it was to hear from me and tell me not to be a stranger. I didn’t think ill of it..I just didn’t think of it at all. But I did try to call once a year or so.
Well this current issue that is going on I have called him several times….sometimes to fill him in, or ask if he had new info…..and then we just started talking. It never fails that when you are going through something like this you start to reflect on the past. Trying to process and answer those tough questions as to how this all could happen. Well R is a part of my past. I could dwell on all of the bad things. I could be resentful of everything and live in that unhealthy space. But I don’t like that. I think of the good things. I think of a man who always believed in my dreams of being an artist. He would always encourage me..even when my mother didn’t. I think I did learn some great things from him….I also got a good work ethic from my mom. So I am thankful for that. My mom is CRAZY but she works hard….and has held the same job for more than 20 years. So I can appreciate that.
I won’t agree with everything he says…his politics..or philosophies…but I think we have enough common ground to build upon. I also think it’s nice to be around someone who knows your roots and part of your past…he can say to my daughter that she looks just like me at her age…because he was there. I think the reason I can respect him is because although he helped raise 4 kids that were not his own and managed to help screw us up ……he learned his lesson and raised his own kids correctly. He decided to put them before his bad habits and quit. He decided to create a family….and I am sure a big part of that was his wife. But it doesn’t matter…what matters is he learned…and made better choices. I can respect that. I can’t respect people that keep making the same mistakes over and over …expecting something different ( my mom)….or not recognizing that anything is wrong (also my mom).
So he came for a visit a few weeks ago to meet my family. Just he & his wife. It was a nice visit. I am proud of my family and my accomplishments. I am glad to share that. I feel we have alot to offer and I am grateful he made an effort to come see us. If you only knew what it was like to be around my family…you would understand what that meant to me. Before when I would go home for a visit I would get anxiety and irritated. I hated it…things never went well..and I couldn’t behave like myself. Just the energy is difficult. So I always dreaded it. So today we are going to visit him and his family. I have no anxiety. That feels good. I am looking forward to it. I am going to meet his girls. They refer to me as their Sister.
That makes me cry every time I think about it. I have always wanted a sister. I have a sister that I grew up with…but she doesn’t want a relationship with me. We have different lifestyles. When she sees me I get disdain and ridicule. I don’t even have to say anything. She thinks I am a goody-goody….. or that I have never done anything wrong. She hates the way my kids are clean with brushed hair..ect. It’s something different every time. It’s stupid because all I have ever tried to do is offer a good, friendly time to her kids when I saw them. I wanted to offer them good experiences because they live such a horrible life. I wanted so much to be a part of their lives. I am the one who took my niece trick or treating on her first Halloween because my sister wanted to go to a party and that was inconvenient for her. So I was a single mom with 3 boys of my own..so I took all 4 of them out. I am the only who threw her daughter’s first birthday party ect. I wanted to do that…I didn’t want her to miss out on anything. But I left my hometown and started a new life with Rob. Then I would try to take her to our outings and what not when we went through town…but it was always such a hassle….and then we severed ties. Rather my mom and sister did with me. I really could care less about that…but I do feel bad that I didn’t get to be the aunt I know I could be. The kids are innocent and didn’t deserve that.
So….now I have an opportunity to have a “family” again. An attainable family. I don’t want to put any expectations on all of it. The oldest of the girls is 19 and just had a baby. His name is Reese. So I made him a quilt for our first meeting. If I am going to be an Auntie I think he needs a quilt…Don’t you? I am hoping & praying that I can form a bond and have sisters again. I would love to celebrate life with a new little one and spoil him rotten. I would love to share college tips with the younger sister and send chocolate for those late night studies….take them to lunch when I stroll through town…and talk on the phone …all things sisters do. Does that sound like I am not putting expectations on things? LOL. I won’t be crushed if it doesn’t work out…..if they are busy with their own lives and don’t have time to form a relationship with me…but I am going to put myself out there and take that risk. I think it’s worth it.
So it’s a full circle moment. A man came into my life to be a “father figure” when I didn’t want it……and when he wasn’t ready to be a father. Now almost 30 years later he can be a “father figure” in a way I am willing to accept and he can offer me a family. I will take the opportunity if it fits and see how it goes. There are no guarantees in life. But I also don’t like to have any regrets. When you try and fail there is never a regret. Just a lesson.
I chose these cute monkeys and made a modern type setting…:) I put the monogram and then also quilted Reece’s name in one of the stripes. I used a minkee backing..and once again tried to bring the binding to the front…I am NEVER doing that again. I can never make binding minkee look right. No matter what. I almost want to rip it out and just use a cotton binding. But I don’t have time to fix it…so hopefully she will just forgive the crappy binding. LOL But it does feel nice. 🙂
I also made an Apron for R’s wife, L. She saw one of mine while they came for a visit and asked if I would make her one. I found out her favorite color is purple. SO I chose this fabric and I am in love with it. I made a reversible apron…..it’s called “Almost Vintage” by Sew Simple patterns I of course bought it at my LQS. (The Fabric Patch 509-754-8280)
They say they are out of stock on the website. But I would call them…because they aren’t. If they are….they will get them soon because it’s a local designer. SO they will still take your order and ship it out. Otherwise I will get you a link to the designer. 🙂