I am having a rough day. I am sure it’s a combination of things. Loss….lack of sleep…..holidays and unmet expectations.
I gave up soda…..for the most part. I mean I will have one if we go out or something. But I don’t keep it in the house. I am trying to drink more water and skip the artificial sweeteners. Not that I care about all of the toxins. I would have to give up my whole diet if I cared about that stuff. I think we all have to make attainable goals one step at a time and then before you know it we are eating clean. I am starting by not keeping it at home. I heard if you do this than you sleep better. I thought to myself…Well maybe that is the reason. Maybe I have been fooling myself this whole time. I think I can’t sleep because my brain doesn’t shut off. I was right. My brain doesn’t shut off. I tried melatonin. That’s not working. I wonder how much of that I should take each night to see if it will finally work? But I find that even once I fall asleep…..if something is bothering me so much that it consumes my mind I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it. I can’t let it go. Those are the issues that I know about. The ones that naw on me that I can’t really identify…well that’s another issue. Does this happen to anyone else? Or am on lonely island?
Rob has not been sleeping well since our dog died. Poor guy. I know it will pass.
I am dwelling on things lately which is never a good place for me. I am linking things. I even see that in my writings. So I had some God time today. After that I decided to make a counseling appointment and God opened up a time for me today. THAT is highly unusual. I have never gotten a same day appointment. It was good. I explained the puzzle pieces I needed to find so I can put them together and why I am struggling.
He explained things so well to me.
When a certain issue pops up in your life time after time you have to stop and think……I am the common denominator. So what is going on? Is this a pattern in my life? Am I attracting this? Did God put this in my path for refinement?
My mother & oldest daughter are so similar in so many ways. It’s unreal. I had a flashback to something last week when Jeri was here of my mom…and it has bothered me ever since. Now we are not blood related…they have not spent significant time together. So is this a pattern I created? Or do the people with these same issues just come to me? I had a friend that was just like them for many years. I finally ended that relationship long after it was due ( that was several years ago….oddly I ran into her last week on the same day as Jeri’s visit). SO my mind started thinking. They have all come into my life at different times and at different ages. So I really don’t think I created the pattern. I feel like I did the right things in those relationships ( ending them)….but I am really having a difficult time with my daughter. I find it very difficult to respect her. I don’t have patience. I don’t trust her…..and if you don’t have those things what is left as far as forming a relationship? How do I love her now that I am not taking care of her? I don’t know how to show my love another way.
I had a divine appointment last week at the grocery store. As this person & I were talking he said on several occasions that God gave me a gift and to see things that others don’t see->This difficult. Yes….I have been frustrated with that for so long. Why when time & time again …when I tell my daughter-> I know what’s going to happen before it happens…and it does time & time again…Then why doesn’t she listen to me? I am not ever trying to harm her? Why doesn’t she listen? I have been having this struggle with my mother for years….like my whole childhood…..so why didn’t she ever listen? Instead I am painted with a brush of “heartless.”
I can’t ever just cut off a relationship with my child. So I have to put her in a box that I can reason & not suffer. Every time I see her she talks and lies. Or talks about her life and the stupid ( I mean stupid!) choices she makes. It’s never her fault of course. I don’t say anything to her……but inside I want to scream my head off. Then I think why did she come into my life? If she was brought to me…and I did all of this work…was it all for nothing? I can’t help her.
What kind of mother am I? I must be a terrible person. I must be all of the evil things they say about me. It made me not want to get out of bed today. Usually—-Honestly I have not felt that bad in a long time. So I know it’s a combination of things. All of the stuff happening lately. So I am not going to give into it. I prayed…I told God how I feel..praised him and just decided to look for my blessings. Then I decided to make an appointment for counseling. It’s been awhile and he always helps me with the missing pieces ->I need to process it. I got a same day appointment ….that has never happened before. With him you usually have to book weeks in advance and schedule your regular appointments weeks in advance. 🙂 So I got a blessing.
The appointment was great. My therapist has a way of saying things to me & making me look at things in a different way. Then I remembered Jesus & his disciples. I am not worried about my younger 5 children and their salvation. I don’t think any of them have made the commitment. Some of my wild boys will be in the 70’s probably before they get it but I know it’s in them…one day I feel they will make that commitment. Even Jesus lost one. It was difficult. Judas turned on him and basically killed him. right? So every time my daughter throws me under the bus ..manipulates & lies. She is who she is. I have written this before. But I think the piece I was missing is this: I kept thinking why? Why was she brought to me if it was all in place already? What difference did I make? Did I fail some test? How was I supposed to be refined by this process if there wasn’t a successful end?
When we give to charity we give without expectation. If you give a transient 5$ for a meal…..and they spend it on drugs…Then they spend it on drugs. You can’t dictate what they do with a gift. Giving a gift is giving away greed, Love, showing Christ ….No Strings attached type of love. It wasn’t for nothing. I gave her charitable love. When you give Charitable love you let go of an “investment” type love. God called me to love her. He brought her to me so I could love her in that season. But usually when “good” parents have children they want to love their kids and invest in their futures. You want them to be productive members of society and you invest in the world by raising up good people. But sometimes when children are brought to you…you just have to love them through and don’t think of love as an “investment” but as a charitable contribution.
He explained that all people are born with gifts & talents. Parents are supposed to help cultivate, teach and raise them to use their talents…..but if they squander them away and abuse them they won’t be able to keep them. I can certainly see those things in my own life from my own perspective. When she uses her talents to manipulate and lie instead of use it for good…they will go away and she will be empty handed. She is going to have a difficult life.
I no longer have a savior complex ( that was in my 20’s). I don’t believe I need to save her ( or anyone else) ….I simply just wonder how it is possible that I can help people around me and invest in lives every where….what did I miss with her? What did I do wrong?
The answer is nothing. I did everything I could do. My counselor worked in the CPS system for 20+ years. He said you know CPS parents are BAD parents and they are the only parents that think they are sufficient parents. If you ask those type of parents if they need help or if they feel they have any work they need to do…they will always tell you they don’t need help, classes or work. They think it’s unnecessary because they are good parents and the state just needs to get off their back. He said he knows I am a good parent anyway…but the reason to tell is that good parents always think they could have done more..or doubt their skills. I find that so true. My mom & sister have always had that attitude. “Nobody can tell me how to raise my kids..they don’t know crap!” To clean it up for ya. LOL Where as I am always thinking…Did I do enough? Did I miss something? Did I manage that situation correctly? I am filled with doubts all of the time. Then you get confirmation in little ways…when you kid handles a situation in a great way by themselves. They act great when you aren’t around ect.
So I donated a bunch of love to someone who doesn’t care. What did I lose? God does this to us all of the time. How many times do I not listen and he loves me through it? Love doesn’t cost anything. But I think our world defines love in a bad way. Love is things. Love is doing. Love has to look a certain way. So I am deemed heartless because I believe in letting a child deal with the consequences of her actions? Well that’s what God does. He gives us charitable love..no expectations. No strings attached type of love. He is investing in us…but if we don’t invest in him…he will still love us. Free will lets us turn our back on him. He chooses us…but he isn’t going to chase us down. He is going to be constant . When we choose to see him he will be there. I am not going to hunt anyone down. I am no longer going to think about investments. I am going to think in charitable contributions. It’s better that way.God doesn’t wave a magic want and fill our bank accounts. Even Jesus had to walk away from a leper colony and not heal them. God let his people wander in the dessert for 40 years because of their heart conditions. We can see it so easily. But when they were going through it they couldn’t……he let them un-do themselves. But in the end still fulfilled his promise. I promised to love her and raise her. I fulfilled my promise.
So I did have a great session. What another blessing!
Then I came home..my special order quilt ladder arrived. I ordered one from this site years ago…and went back for another. The first time around they must have been crazy busy because I thought it had taken awhile…but this time around it took 2 weeks. 🙂 They are professional and make a great product. You choose the type of wood, size & stain. I think it’s a great price. They have no idea that I have a blog..they have no idea I am sharing their info. But I think that if you find a good product you should help other small business’…..so that’s what I am doing.
Plus I know several of you probably have several quilts piled up and they could be displayed on a fabulous quilt ladder! 🙂
I now have 3. 🙂
Then my friend Penny stopped by with some special gifts. The bracelet she got me says : Friendship isn’t a big thing……it is a million little things.
How true is that? I wouldn’t make it through this world without my friends. Blessings!
A special lady from my church also sent me a bible verse in a text today (out of the blue)…she is just a gentle soul that prays for me…and love me with charitable love. It was the perfect verse for me today.
So the day started with me not wanting to face it. But through all of it I decided I would look for blessings and they were there all along. If we do that everyday..life will be so much better. Don’t you think?
I hope you are all putting the pieces of your puzzles together for personal betterment. I am always striving for that next level.